Chantelle says, “Friends and family have noticed that we don’t hold hands, and it’s become a running joke. My boyfriend, Hugo, and I have been together for five years, and he’s never been keen on holding my hand. I’d prefer it if he showed me some affection. It’s a small thing that reassures me about the relationship. Hugo says he likes to keep his hands free to gesture and that he doesn’t like public displays of affection, but hand-holding is pretty low on the PDA scale. In my family, we’re quite huggy and used to touching. Hugo went to boarding school, and I’m convinced that’s why he doesn’t like it. I went to school around the corner from my house. I still hold my mum’s hand when we’re out.”
She adds, “Sometimes it bothers me when we’re in a group and I see other people doing it. I say, ‘Hugo, just man up and hold my hand.’ But he doesn’t like being asked. Once, he did take my hand in front of my friends. They took a photo for a laugh since it’s such a rare sight. It’s become a running joke among my friends and family. There are times he will take my hand for a bit, but then, as an excuse to stop, he’ll go to pick something up and pretend he needs both hands free to do it.”
“Hugo is a lovely boyfriend and does lots of really nice things for me. It’s just that hand-holding is such a rare occurrence for us. When we moved house and had a really stressful day, we decided to go to the pub to drown our sorrows. I was exhausted, and to my delight, Hugo voluntarily took my hand. He realized in a time of stress that it’s a nice thing to do. I commented on it as it felt so unusual. I said, ‘Wow, is this because we’re having a bad day?’ He just smiled. On our anniversary, he might hold my hand, as it’s a special occasion. If it’s just us two in the park with nobody else around and he’s in a good mood, he might do it for a bit. If it’s Valentine’s Day, I might get a few minutes. I don’t want to guilt-trip him into doing it more often, but it would make me feel more secure in the relationship.”
Hugo responds, “I find holding hands annoying. Besides, I’m quite caring and I tell her I love her on a daily basis. I find it embarrassing to be really affectionate in front of friends and family. It makes me feel uncomfortable. Granted, hand-holding isn’t the worst type of PDA: it’s better than all that relentless hugging people do, but I still don’t like it. I show love for her in many other ways. I’m chivalrous; I always hold doors open. I’m the service-provider in our relationship—I sort out all the bills, and I always walk on the outside of the pavement whenever we’re together.”
He continues, “I just hate hand-holding. Hands get sweaty after a few minutes, and I find it annoying and impractical. If you’re holding hands with someone, you have to keep rearranging yourself to avoid bumping into people in the street or getting wrapped around a lamp-post. Whenever I see a lamp-post within 50 meters, I use it as an excuse to let go and say, ‘Oh look, we need to detach.’ Chantelle likes the performative nature of hand-holding. If we’re with her sister or friends and they are holding hands, she gets jealous. But if we are around single people, I think holding hands makes people feel as if they are third-wheeling. I find her insistence on it really annoying. It makes me feel as though I’m a bad person, but I’m actually quite caring. I tell Chantelle I love her on a daily basis.”
“My family don’t do affection. I was cast out to boarding school from the age of seven, so that’s definitely got something to do with it. We had a matron who might have occasionally hugged us as children. Or if we were upset, the head of house would pat us on the head and say, ‘Get up, boy.'”I’m not heartless. I know I’m being unfair to Chantelle, but I can be reasonable. On her birthday, she said, “I deserve more affection,” so I let her cash in her hand-holding tokens for about five minutes. And when we moved, I thought holding hands would help her—and it did.
It’s become a kind of currency. I know I can earn brownie points by holding her hand. The fact that I don’t go for those easy points actually shows my resolve.
The jury of Guardian readers
Even if it’s not Hugo’s love language, Chantelle has every right to ask for affection. Holding hands takes minimal effort, and relationships are built on compromise. It’s time for Hugo to break his family’s pattern and take Chantelle’s hand.
Rhiannon, 32
Hugo is self-aware enough to recognize his difficulty showing affection and that Chantelle needs more from him. But intentionally withholding it and treating it like a transaction shows he’s putting his own comfort above her needs.
Max, 33
As understandable as Hugo’s discomfort with hand-holding is, he needs to lighten up. Yes, Chantelle’s desire to hold hands in public might seem a little performative, but if something so simple matters this much to her, surely the answer is for Hugo to step out of his comfort zone and start feeling the love.
Jack, 20
As a former boarder, I get where Hugo is coming from. He wasn’t shown intimacy, so it doesn’t feel natural or comforting. Still, I’m on Chantelle’s side because I want Hugo to learn that affection isn’t transactional or threatening. Chantelle, try taking the pressure off so he can learn to enjoy being loved!
Leah, 41
Some people just aren’t that into physical touch, and that should be okay. It sounds like Hugo tries to show affection in other ways. Maybe they can keep finding new ways to express their love.
Annie, 49
Now you be the judge
In our online poll, tell us: should Hugo hold Chantelle’s hand?
The poll closes on Wednesday, March 25 at 9am GMT.
Last week’s results
We asked if Amy should stop warming her mug and then pouring the water back into the kettle.
52% of you said yes—Amy is guilty.
48% of you said no—Amy is innocent.
Frequently Asked Questions
FAQs Should My Boyfriend Hold My Hand in Public
BeginnerLevel Questions
Q1 Why is holding hands in public even a question Isnt it just a normal thing couples do
A Its a common gesture but its meaning and comfort level can vary greatly between individuals and cultures For some its a simple automatic sign of affection For others it can feel like a significant public statement or even cause anxiety
Q2 What are the main benefits of holding hands in public
A It can create a sense of connection intimacy and security Its a nonverbal way to show youre together can reduce stress and often simply feels nice and reassuring
Q3 What if I want to hold hands but my boyfriend doesnt seem to initiate it
A The best first step is to communicate Ask him about it in a lowpressure private setting He might not have thought about it might be shy or might have a different perspective on public displays of affection
Q4 Is it a red flag if he never wants to hold hands in public
A Not necessarily by itself It could be due to personal comfort cultural background past experiences or simply different love languages It becomes a potential concern only if its part of a larger pattern where your need for affection is consistently ignored or if he seems ashamed to be seen with you
Advanced Practical Questions
Q5 How can we navigate different comfort levels with PDA
A Open communication is key Discuss what each of you is comfortable with Find a compromise that respects both peoples boundaries Its also okay for comfort levels to change depending on the setting
Q6 What are some subtle alternatives to full handholding
A You can try linking pinkies letting your hands brush against each other him placing a hand on the small of your back or simply walking closely with arms touching These can offer connection with less perceived visibility
Q7 Could his reluctance be about something other than me or our relationship
A Absolutely It might relate to his upbringing concerns about appearing vulnerable in front of others sensory issues sweaty hands
