When children are young and their expectations of an event differ from yours in some important way, it feels awful. You might take them to a play, thinking they’ll enjoy it, but they thought “play” meant they’d get to run around—instead, they had to sit still while strangers shouted on stage. You feel their disappointment as sharply as your own physical pain.
Then when they’re “adults,” your expectations diverge again. They thought you’d drop them at university and leave right away, while you imagined unpacking, meeting their flatmates, exploring the city, wandering through a supermarket, grabbing a Nando’s, maybe reading a bedtime story, chatting with other parents, and perhaps all doing karaoke together. Well, then it’s time to manage your own disappointment—and the only consolation is that it’s far less painful than managing theirs.
When I went to university, my mum’s boyfriend drove me and there wasn’t room for her in the car, so it was a beautifully symmetrical event: I wanted him to leave and he wanted to leave. When she came to visit, I’d count down the hours until she had to go. I loved it when other people’s mums visited, because they were often nice—but also because the schadenfreude was intense.
Mothers out of context are unbearable. I don’t think there’s any feeling I remember more clearly. Tugging on that memory unspooled the whole Technicolor thrill of suddenly having your own context, one your mother is absolutely not part of. So there was more joy in being rejected by my son after dropping him off than you’d expect—plus I went to KFC with his out-of-context dad on the way home, and they gave us free chicken selects. Don’t know why, maybe because we looked so complicatedly overjoyed.
Frequently Asked Questions
Here is a list of FAQs based on the themes in Zoe Williams article about the complex emotions of a child moving out
Beginner Questions
Q What is this article about
A Its about the mixed feelings a parent has when their child moves out of the family home The author calls it a complicated kind of joy
Q Why is it called a complicated kind of joy
A Because you feel happy and proud that your child is becoming an independent adult but you also feel sad lonely and a sense of loss because they are no longer living with you
Q Is it normal to feel sad when your child moves out
A Yes it is completely normal Its a major life transition Feeling a sense of grief or loss is a natural part of adjusting to the change
Q What is empty nest syndrome
A Its a common term for the feelings of sadness anxiety and loss that parents can experience when their children leave home
Q Whats the main takeaway from the article
A You can hold two feelings at once You can be genuinely happy for your child and also feel a deep sense of sadness for yourself Both are valid
Advanced Questions
Q The article mentions a complicated kind of joy How is this different from simple happiness
A Simple happiness is a single positive emotion Complicated joy is a blend of positive feelings and negative ones It acknowledges that a happy event can also be a sad one
Q What are some common problems parents face during this time
A Common problems include
Loss of daily purpose Your role as a primary caregiver changes
Loneliness The house feels quiet and empty
Strain on marriage You and your partner have to renegotiate your relationship without the child as a focus
Anxiety Worrying about your childs safety and finances
Identity crisis Feeling unsure of who you are now that youre not a fulltime parent
Q The author finds joy in her sons absence What are some practical benefits of an empty nest
A Practical benefits can include
