In 2017, I had my son—and also a midlife crisis. Suddenly, my two-hour commute from our home in New York City to my job as an economist at the University of Pennsylvania went from manageable to unbearable. My marriage, which had once felt like a charming work in progress, seemed to be unraveling. At work, rejections were piling up, and I couldn’t escape the feeling that my male colleagues—some of whom were up for tenure years ahead of me—simply had more hours in the day. I also felt I was falling short in other areas: other people’s homes looked nicer, their children were better dressed, and they seemed to handle motherhood, work, and everything else with more ease.
The low point came when track repairs stretched my commute to six hours, leaving just four hours in the office. I remember pumping breast milk in an Amtrak bathroom, crying because I wouldn’t make it home in time to put my son to bed. I didn’t just feel like I was failing to “have it all”—I felt like I had nothing. Not the career I wanted, not the happy home life, and not even the fun, adventurous person I used to be. Above all, I was exhausted. All the time.
This is a story I’ve heard from so many working women—constantly juggling, and constantly dropping the ball. It’s no surprise. Gender roles have evolved at work, but not at home, leaving women to play both offense and defense. Women still do most of the housework, whether they earn more or less than their partners. In fact, a man who brings in just 20% of the household income does about the same amount of housework as one who earns 80%. Women who are the primary earners in heterosexual marriages do nearly twice as much cooking and cleaning as their husbands. On top of that, parenting demands have exploded since the 1990s—today’s mothers spend twice as much time with their children as the previous generation. Meanwhile, women’s wages have stagnated, and our representation in top roles has plateaued.
For too long, women have been expected to accept unfair, unsustainable deals in every part of life—and to make up the difference by working harder, optimizing better, or turning to “self-care” when all else fails. But it’s not working. Women’s happiness has declined over the past 20 years, especially compared to men, whose happiness has risen. We can’t keep going like this. Something has to change.
After that breaking point on the train, I made some big changes. I ended my marriage, moved to Philadelphia, and swapped a two-and-a-half-hour train ride for a seven-minute bike commute. In Philly, I could afford enough space for a live-in au pair, which meant I had real help with my son for the first time.
As an economist who studies the decisions women make and the constraints they face, I believe many of our choices come down to one simple question: Am I getting a good deal? I’m not here to suggest that a single life hack will solve everything—these problems are hard. But I want to help you ask for more—from your partner, your boss, and the system itself.
How to get a good—or at least better—deal
Figure out what matters to you
You can’t compare yourself to others. Only you know your own values and priorities.Just as for-profit companies are assumed to make decisions to maximize their profits, economists see people as individuals who maximize their own personal “profit” function: utility. But unlike money, which can be measured, utility is a much fuzzier idea. Think of it as your personal life score—like a video game score at the end of your life. The difference is, you decide what earns you points, because only you know what truly matters to you.
It’s important not to compare yourself to people who have different utility functions. We often fall into this trap. For example, you might get the most satisfaction from volunteering or traveling—activities that keep you away from home. There’s nothing wrong with that. But when you visit a friend who finds deep fulfillment in homemaking or cooking from scratch, you might start to feel like you’re falling short. That’s not failure—it’s just a difference in what you value.
Maximize Subject to Constraints
Most people face limitations in life—whether financial, social, or time-related. But women tend to face more constraints, even if they never have children. Just as we shouldn’t compare ourselves to those with different values, we shouldn’t compare ourselves to people who don’t face the same constraints. We may all be playing the same game, but some of us have less protective gear.
When I was one semester from graduating, I told a female professor I planned to pursue a PhD in economics after working at McKinsey. She looked horrified. “No,” she said, “you can’t do that. Two years at McKinsey, six years for the PhD, two more as a postdoc, seven on the tenure track… You’ll never have kids!” I was taken aback, even a little offended, but I knew she had a point. If I wanted children, I had to consider the timeline in a way men rarely do.
Work Like a Girl
Stop telling women they need to change how they work.
Sure, I give my students practical advice—like saying “thank you for helping” instead of apologizing for things beyond their control, or learning to take up space by observing how comfortably men ask questions in class. Improving communication is useful, but it shouldn’t mean changing who you are.
There’s a well-known study by economists Muriel Niederle and Lise Vesterlund titled, “Do Women Shy Away from Competition? Do Men Compete Too Much?” People often forget the second question. The answer is yes: 60% of low-performing men choose to compete even when they’re likely to lose, rather than take a guaranteed payout. Why don’t we question whether men’s over-competitiveness harms companies as much as we tell women to be more aggressive and “lean in”?
I think of Christine Lagarde’s remark: if it had been “Lehman Sisters” instead of “Lehman Brothers,” there might have been less risk-taking with mortgage securities, and the financial crisis might not have been as severe.
Women are often labeled as poor negotiators, but my research shows men are more than twice as likely to walk away from a negotiation with no agreement at all. What holds women back isn’t a lack of skill or desire—it’s the fear of being penalized for negotiating. So let’s stop telling women to change, and instead focus on the real barriers they face.Shift your mindset: instead of being told to change how you work, focus on communicating the unique value you bring. Aim to get more out of your job than you put in.
Always consider the balance between what you give to your employer and what you receive. In a workplace where women often face harassment, discrimination, and microaggressions that limit their earnings compared to men, how can you make sure the scales tip in your favor? Even if you love your job or some of your colleagues, remember that your employer will never love you back. Their goal is to maximize profit; yours is to maximize your own well-being. While your interests might sometimes align, they are fundamentally not the same.
It’s also crucial to distinguish between a job and a passion project.
When it comes to relationships, choose your partner wisely. Feelings are important—they’re necessary for a relationship to work—but they aren’t enough. Go into dating not just with your heart, but with a practical eye for who will be a true partner in managing a household and navigating life’s challenges.
Think of dating like a job interview. Even in those exciting early days when you’re talking about shared interests, ask practical questions too, like, “Who does your laundry?” or “What do you usually cook for dinner?” Just as you’d evaluate a job candidate’s experience and skills, assess a partner’s ability to share responsibilities.
Don’t settle for an unfair division of labor in your relationship. If you’re carrying most of the load and feeling drained, it’s time to have honest conversations and renegotiate the terms. Unequal sharing of household duties is a common issue that can undermine even the most loving relationships.
To address this, try tracking your time. Use a spreadsheet or graph paper to break down a week into 15-minute intervals, from when you wake up until you go to bed. If you have a baby, include overnight slots. Both you and your partner should log your activities for a week, noting multitasking too—like doing your hair while getting your child dressed. Remember, even enjoyable tasks, like packing your child’s lunch, count as childcare.
Include household management tasks, such as planning, emailing, or researching household matters. You might be surprised by how little time is left for work, self-care, socializing, exercise, or simply enjoying life.Men have been using weaponized incompetence for decades, and it’s time we recognize it. Start by looking at the data: who spends more time on which tasks? You might be surprised. Some of your overload may come from tasks you both agree need doing but disagree on the effort required. Others might be things your partner didn’t even know existed—like the hours spent researching, calling, and filling out forms for the kids’ summer camp schedule.
Next, reallocate the workload. I recommend Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play method, which divides tasks like dealing cards (you can buy the deck online). This works because if you only assign part of a task, you still handle the mental load—planning, managing, and tracking progress. The happiest married women I know say things like, “I don’t cook at all.” Yes, this will need adjustment and negotiation, but isn’t that better than being exhausted, resentful, and missing out on quality time with your family?
Treat leisure time as a non-negotiable commitment, not a reward for finishing your to-do list. Think of it like “paying yourself first” in finance—set aside time for yourself upfront, just like a meeting with your boss. Planning this time can surprisingly make you feel like you have more of it, not less.
Also, consider outsourcing. Society is more comfortable outsourcing male-coded tasks, like hiring a handyman, because men’s time is seen as better spent earning money. But female-coded tasks like cooking, cleaning, and childcare are often viewed as luxuries to outsource. Take a hard look at the true cost of doing everything yourself—including time, stress, and materials—and weigh it against investing that time in your career or well-being. If hiring help isn’t an option, try trading tasks with friends, setting up carpools, or simplifying your life to reduce chores.
Be ruthless with your time—think of it as Marie Kondo for your schedule. Convert time into joy and meaning.We cannot keep meeting everyone else’s needs and putting ourselves last. Photograph: 10’000 Hours/Getty Images
When deciding how to spend our time, we need to learn to listen to a deeper part of ourselves—the steady, lifelong presence within—rather than the fleeting surges of emotions, guilt, flattery, unhelpful social pressures, or digital distractions that create noise in our minds. Practice turning up the volume on your own truths about what you truly want in life, and turning down the influence of everything that pulls you away from it.
With so many demands on our attention, it’s easy for women to forget that we are the main characters in our own lives. We can’t continue to prioritize others while neglecting ourselves. It’s time to start writing our own stories.
This is an edited excerpt from Femonomics: What Data Tells Us About Women’s Lives and How to Get the Most Out of Yours, published by Hodder Press (£22) on 25 September. In the US, it is published as Having It All. To support the Guardian and the Observer, order your copy at guardianbookshop.com.
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Frequently Asked Questions
Of course Here is a list of helpful FAQs about putting yourself first
FAQs Put Yourself First Getting a Better Deal in Work Home and Life
Beginner Definition Questions
1 What does put yourself first actually mean
It means prioritizing your own wellbeing needs and goals so you can show up as your best self for others Its not about being selfish its about selfpreservation and ensuring youre not constantly running on empty
2 Isnt putting myself first selfish especially for women
This is a common concern Selfcare is not selfish When you are wellrested healthy and fulfilled you have more energy patience and resources to give to your family job and community Its like the airplane oxygen mask rule you must secure your own mask before helping others
3 Im overwhelmed Where do I even start
Start small Pick one tiny area to focus on like setting a boundary to not check work emails after 7 PM or blocking out 15 minutes a day for a walk or a quiet cup of tea Consistency with small actions builds momentum
Benefits Mindset
4 What are the biggest benefits of prioritizing myself
Youll likely experience reduced stress and burnout increased confidence better mental and physical health improved relationships and greater career satisfaction
5 How do I deal with the guilt that comes with saying no
Acknowledge the feeling but dont let it dictate your actions Remind yourself of your whythe important reason youre setting the boundary With practice the guilt lessens as you see the positive results in your life
Practical Tips for Work
6 How can I get a better deal at work without seeming difficult
Frame your requests around the teams or companys success For example instead of I need a raise try Based on my contributions to that resulted in Id like to discuss aligning my compensation with this increased level of responsibility
7 Whats a simple way to set a boundary with my boss or colleagues
Be clear and direct Use phrases like I can focus on that first thing tomorrow morning instead of responding to a latenight
