The Prosecution: Rasheeda
The smell is strong, it lingers, and it makes me feel sick. If she knows I can’t stand it, she should stop.
My friend and flatmate Farrah loves incense, but I hate it. I knew it would be an issue when I moved in with her 18 months ago and saw her walking around “sageing” the rooms to “cleanse the energy.” I asked her, “What are you doing?”
Every time I came home, Farrah had incense burning. I asked her not to do it when I was around, and she agreed. But since she works from home and still burns it while I’m out, I come back to a wall of thick smoke. The smell hangs in the air and fills the whole flat.
Our agreement isn’t really working—I’m still annoyed. Incense isn’t like a scented candle. It’s heavy, strong, and it sticks to fabrics and lingers in the air. For someone like me with sensitive sinuses, it causes headaches and nausea. It also affects the vibe of our shared space.
Farrah says it’s for “ambience,” but it ruins the atmosphere for me. We’re both Muslim and from Egyptian backgrounds, and she grew up with incense at home. But I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask her not to burn it around me.
She’s offered to try different scents, but they all smell the same to me—like burnt wood. It’s also triggering because it reminds me of a difficult time when I lived with my cousin who smoked a lot of weed. The smell makes me anxious, not calm.
Plus, I’ve read that burning incense too often worsens air quality. I’m not saying she’s trying to harm us, but when she burns it several times a week in our shared space, it affects me too.
We’ve been friends for years, but I never knew how much she loved incense until we lived together.
I’ve suggested essential oil diffusers or candles, but she says they don’t have the same effect. That’s exactly my point. Now we’re at a stalemate. I just don’t think anyone should have to put up with smells they dislike in their own home.
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The Defence: Farrah
For me, incense is cultural, spiritual, and emotional. I grew up with my mum burning it all the time—it reminds me of warmth and protection.
Right now, I only burn it when Rasheeda isn’t home or when I’m in my room. I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable, and I’m sticking to the rule she suggested, so I don’t think I’m doing anything wrong.
The incense I use isn’t overpowering, and I always open the windows for airflow. It helps keep the flat smelling fresh. I don’t want to use candles or oils because they don’t have the same effect.
We both contribute to the atmosphere in our own ways. I don’t say anything when Rasheeda leaves her sweaty gym clothes in the laundry basket in the kitchen. Compared to that, my sandalwood and myrrh are actually quite nice.
It’s my home too. In fact, Rasheeda moved in when my previous flatmate left, so why should I have to completely change my lifestyle? I was happy to have her—we’ve been friends since we were 25 after meeting at work. I’ve lived here for three years; she moved in 18 months ago.
I’ve asked her which scents bother her less and said I’d use those in shared areas. But banning incense entirely feels extreme and unfair to me. We live in close quarters, which I enjoy, but that means sometimes we hear each other’s music, smell each other’s cooking, or deal with each other’s habits—that’s just life.She doesn’t stay for hours like she says, and I don’t burn incense all day. I work from home and only use it occasionally. I believe incense helps create a calm atmosphere in our home. I enjoy being in a space that feels familiar, soothing, and culturally meaningful—it helps me relax.
Rasheeda’s feelings are important, but so are mine. I’m not trying to impose incense on her, and I’m open to compromise—maybe setting a schedule, choosing milder scents, or limiting it to certain times. But our home should represent both of us.
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Guardian Readers’ Opinions
Is Rasheeda right to be upset?
It seems odd that Rasheeda didn’t notice the incense issue before moving in. Expecting Farrah to completely change her lifestyle is unreasonable. Maybe it’s time for Rasheeda to move on—and out!
—Stuart, 76
Smoke of any kind contains particles that can worsen asthma and conditions like migraines. Rasheeda is right to prioritize health for herself and visitors. (It makes me nauseous too—I avoid shops that use incense.)
—Pamela, 71
Since Rasheeda chose to move in with Farrah, she should be willing to compromise. Farrah has already adjusted her incense use. Maybe Farrah could light scented candles in shared areas before Rasheeda gets home to help with the smell. (And shouldn’t the laundry basket be kept in the bathroom?)
—Carrie, 69
Presumably, Rasheeda visited the flat before moving in and noticed the strong smell then? Farrah could avoid burning incense for a while before Rasheeda returns, but it sounds like Rasheeda won’t be satisfied until it’s gone completely.
—Robbie, 55
When you share a flat, you have to respect each other’s needs—noise, cleanliness, strong odors, anything that affects quality of life. Incense releases compounds that some studies suggest are even worse than cigarettes and are linked to health problems.
—Amanda, 61
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Now it’s your turn
In our online poll, tell us if you think Farrah is in the wrong.
The poll closes on Wednesday, August 27, at 9 a.m. BST.
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Last week’s results
We asked whether Mona should stop leaving so many lights on:
– 38% said yes—Mona is guilty
– 62% said no—Mona is not guilty
Frequently Asked Questions
Of course Here is a list of FAQs about the topic Should my roommate stop burning incense in our apartment designed to be helpful and clear
General Beginner Questions
Q Whats the big deal with burning incense Isnt it just a nice smell
A For many its a pleasant scent used for relaxation or spiritual practices For others the smoke and strong fragrance can cause headaches allergies or asthma attacks
Q My roommate says its for their meditationreligion Isnt that a valid reason to keep doing it
A It is a valid reason for them but it doesnt automatically override your right to a healthy and comfortable living space Both needs must be considered
Q I get headaches when they burn it Am I just being too sensitive
A No youre not being too sensitive Incense smoke releases particles and chemicals that are a very common trigger for headaches respiratory issues and allergic reactions
Q Isnt incense smoke natural How can it be bad
A Even natural smoke contains particulate matter and chemicals that can irritate lungs and eyes Burning anything indoors affects air quality
Advanced ProblemSolving Questions
Q What are the main health concerns associated with indoor incense burning
A The primary concerns are aggravated asthma allergic reactions headaches and irritation to the eyes nose and throat due to the smoke and particulate matter
Q Our lease has a no smoking clause Does incense count as smoking
A This can be a gray area Many landlords and leases define smoking as tobacco or cannabis However incense produces smoke and a lingering odor which could potentially violate clauses about causing a nuisance or damaging the property Check your lease wording or ask your landlord for clarification
Q Whats a fair compromise we could try
A Here are a few common compromises
Scheduled Burning They only burn incense at specific times when you are not home or in a wellventilated room
Ventilation They only burn it with a window wide open and a fan on to direct smoke outside
Alternative Products Suggest switching to smokefree alternatives like essential oil diffusers wax melts or room sprays to get a similar scent without the smoke
