Meg, 35
“I spent so many years imagining what it would be like to have sex with a woman.”
Before Jess, I had only ever been with men. I was in a relationship with a man and had two kids with him, but I felt completely disconnected from my body during sex. The only way I could orgasm was to close my eyes and replay lesbian porn. Sex felt like something I just had to get through. With Jess, I felt desire for the first time, instead of just being the object of someone else’s.
Her Tinder profile said: “Smilier in real life, only in the area for three weeks.” I had never kissed a woman before, and I had turned my whole life upside down to come out. When we kissed, my knees went weak, and she called me Bambi — a nickname that stuck. I rushed home, masturbated thinking about her, and then immediately told her about it.
I spent the first six months of our relationship learning to get out of my head and into my body. I had spent so many years imagining sex with a woman that I had to learn how to orgasm without the mental movie I had always relied on. Jess was patient. She can read me from the inside out and knows when I’m stuck in a loop. Once, she noticed my mind wandering and said, “Stick with it.” I came right away.
Will we still lose entire mornings in bed to amazing sex when we have real-life responsibilities to deal with?
As a butch top, Jess gets pleasure from my pleasure and takes pride in taking care of me and the kids. That’s hard for me to accept sometimes because I’ve always been the one in charge. Part of me feels like I don’t deserve to be taken care of, but handing over control to her is freeing. I love how visibly lesbian we are as a butch-femme couple. Mostly, I love how she talks to my kids — like they’re real people whose questions deserve real answers.
We moved in together recently. Last night, the pressure got to me and I cried during sex. Will we still lose entire mornings in bed to mind-blowing sex when we have real-life stuff to manage? Jess is helping me learn how to relax — in bed, but also to walk away when I need to without feeling guilty.
One of the kids rolled her eyes and said, “Ugh! All you guys do is talk and kiss.” I’m excited to take Jess for granted, to do life together — even the boring parts.
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Jess, 35
“Meg desires me so openly that it feels freeing.”
Meg is the woman I’ll be with forever — I felt that from very early on. But I knew she had never dated a woman before, and that came with some weight. I remember thinking: I hope I don’t give her a bad first experience.
I didn’t realize until later that she hadn’t kissed anyone but her husband in 12 years. She was confident and I was nervous, but then with our first kiss, the tables turned.Suddenly, I was on safe ground.
I see it as my job to take care of Meg in every way: I take out the bins, reassure her, and help her reach orgasm.
It was a big deal for both Meg and me. It wasn’t just about sleeping with a woman—Meg had completely changed her life, and there was no turning back. She had to learn to enjoy the whole experience of sex, not just rush toward orgasm. Watching her feel desire for the first time was truly incredible. Seeing her discover what she likes and what she’s capable of felt like a privilege.
For me, being a butch top isn’t about control. If anything, it’s the opposite. I see it as my job to take care of Meg in every way: practically, emotionally, and sexually. I take out the bins, give her reassurance, and help her come. But it’s more selfish than it sounds—my pleasure comes from giving Meg pleasure and looking after her, even though she doesn’t need me to.
The move has been stressful, but as a couple, we’ve been incredibly steady, so I’m not worried. We have this solid core that comes from being so sure about each other.
I grew up in a small fishing town, and although I’m proudly butch, when I was younger I questioned how conventionally attractive I was. But Meg desires me so openly that it feels freeing. She tells me how much she fancies me and makes me feel completely loved. I never feel like I’m too much.
It’s the best relationship I’ve ever had—and I hope it’s the last.
Frequently Asked Questions
Here is a list of FAQs based on the statement Sex with my husband was something I just had to get through But with Jess I actually feel desire
BeginnerLevel Questions
1 What does this statement mean
It means the person felt no passion or enjoyment during sex with their husbandit felt like a chore With Jess they experience genuine sexual desire and pleasure for the first time
2 Is this person saying their husband is bad in bed
Not necessarily The issue is likely about emotional connection attraction or compatibility not just technique The feeling of getting through it often points to a lack of desire not a lack of skill
3 Does this mean the person is gay or bisexual
It could but not automatically It might mean they are discovering a different type of attraction with Jess that was missing in their marriage It could also be about unmet needs in the relationship
4 Is this a common feeling in longterm relationships
Yes Many people in longterm relationships experience a loss of desire due to routine stress or emotional distance The statement highlights a contrast between obligation and genuine passion
Advanced Questions
5 Whats the difference between duty sex and desiredriven sex
Duty sex You participate out of obligation guilt or to avoid conflict Theres little arousal and it feels like a task
Desiredriven sex You want it because youre genuinely turned on connected or excited Its spontaneous and pleasurable not a chore
6 Can a person feel desire for a new partner but still love their spouse
Yes Love and desire are different You can love a spouse deeply but feel no sexual spark A new person may trigger desire through novelty mystery or a different dynamiceven if you still care for your husband
7 What does this reveal about the marriage
It suggests a disconnect The marriage may lack emotional intimacy communication about needs or physical compatibility The getting through it feeling often points to unresolved issues like resentment boredom or mismatched libidos
8 Is it possible to rebuild desire with the husband
Sometimes but it requires work Strategies include
Openly discussing fantasies
