Kevin, 38
“Since the all clear, my relationship with my sexuality has shifted a lot.”
I’ve been in recovery from drug addiction since I was 19, and I had cancer 10 years ago. So there have been times when sex was important to me, and other periods when I chose to abstain and focus on myself. Jade and I have been together for 11 years, and the sex was always good – not particularly kinky, just really intimate and lovely. I got ill after we’d been together for less than a year and had to have one of my testicles removed, which put an immediate stop to any sex. Then I was on chemo, and sex wasn’t even on my mind – the whole period was incredibly traumatic. I’m eternally grateful that Jade stuck with me through it. Since then, my relationship with my sexuality has shifted a lot. I’ve become more vulnerable and open.
“As soon as there was this little bit of spice, maybe even a threat, it gave us a boost.”
When Jade came back from a party and said a couple had asked her for a threesome, we were in a really good place. We were having sex multiple times a week, talking a lot, being open. We were actively looking for something fun, exciting, and maybe a bit naughty to do. So when she asked how I felt about it, my reaction was, “I feel pretty good.”
We started going to parties and clubs together. The first time I saw Jade with a guy, I thought, “Oh, this is actually really nice.” We were instantly more attracted to each other. As soon as there was this little bit of spice, maybe even a threat, it gave us a boost. We found it easy to operate as a couple and see each other with other people. There was an instant increase in the amount of sex we were having and how exciting it was.
I have scarring from the operation – all the lymph nodes were removed from one side of my groin, and there’s a big scar where they removed the testicle on the other side, so that was a massive blow in terms of confidence and self-image. But since exploring polyamory, I’m a far more confident person than I was before. I feel better than I ever have in my life. My relationship to my own sexuality, confidence, and body is miles ahead of where it was. If you’d asked me three years ago, I would have said I was straight. I now identify as queer.
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Jade, 37
“Now we date and have sex solo. It’s been a very mutual exploration.”
Kevin was diagnosed with cancer early on, and that obviously shapes things. We had so many challenges that sex wasn’t at the forefront of my mind. But since then, we’ve found our feet and have both been keen to explore new things. We were monogamous for eight years, but decided to open things up three years ago. Some people do it to fix something in their relationship, but we were in a great space and wanted to share that and accelerate it with other people. A fewYears after Kevin got the all-clear, we were feeling adventurous, and I had the chance to have a threesome at a party. I didn’t go through with it, but I told Kevin I thought it might be fun. He immediately said, “Alright then, let’s do it.”
We started going to sex-positive parties and began playing together in group settings or with a third person. Now, we date and have sex with other people on our own. I sleep with men, women, and everyone in between, and Kevin does too. It’s been a very mutual exploration.
I’ve had to learn how to balance independence and togetherness between us, and what that looks like. I’d never really thought about non-monogamy before. There’s this assumed way of being that you accept, and then suddenly you discover all this richness outside of monogamy, and what it can bring to your relationship with your primary partner.
One of the main challenges is that we move at different speeds. Kevin is really open-hearted and forms strong, close bonds with people, which can create a bit of an imbalance. I’ve had to learn this balance between independence and togetherness.
For me, it feels great when both of our cups are full. We’re both having meaningful, fun, and exciting experiences independently of each other – and also together.
Names have been changed.
Frequently Asked Questions
Here is a list of FAQs based on the statement Since I had cancer Ive become more openbefore I was straight but now Im queer
General Beginner Questions
1 Is it possible for your sexuality to change after a major illness like cancer
Yes While sexuality is often thought of as fixed many people find that major life eventslike a cancer diagnosiscause them to reevaluate who they are The trauma and clarity that come with facing mortality can strip away societal expectations allowing people to explore parts of their identity they previously suppressed
2 Does this mean the cancer changed my sexual orientation
Not necessarily It is more likely that the cancer experience gave you the courage to acknowledge feelings that were already there The stress of illness can break down the mental barriers you built to conform to a straight identity allowing your true orientation to surface
3 Im scared my partner will think Im using my illness as an excuse How do I explain this
Frame it as a journey of selfdiscovery rather than a medical side effect You can say Going through cancer made me realize how short life is It gave me the courage to stop hiding parts of myself that Ive been ignoring for years My sexuality isnt a side effect its a part of me I finally feel safe to embrace
4 Is this a common experience for cancer survivors
While not everyone changes their identity it is a known phenomenon Support groups often discuss how lifethreatening illnesses lead to a second adolescence People often come out change careers or end toxic relationships because they realize they dont want to waste any more time living inauthentically
5 I feel guilty like Im betraying my past self Is that normal
Absolutely Its common to grieve the old you or feel like a fraud Remember that you arent betraying your past you are evolving Your past experiences helped you survive and your new identity is a result of that survival Be gentle with yourself
Advanced IdentityFocused Questions
6 What is the difference between coming out and orientation change in this context
Coming out implies the identity was always there and is now being shared An orientation change implies a fluid shift In cancer
