Rita’s side:
Martin claims his novelty ashtrays are decorative and could be damaged by rain, but having ash inside our home is disgusting.
Martin, my partner of seven years, has a bad habit: he smokes. He was already a smoker when we met, and even though he’s cut back over time—I even got him to quit cigarettes completely for a while—he hasn’t been able to stay off them for good. Now he smokes about three to five menthol cigarettes a week, which I’m more okay with.
Ideally, I’d want him to quit entirely, but he has to do it when he’s ready. He started smoking again after his mum passed away during his first attempt to quit, so I’m trying to be understanding. At my request, he smokes outside in our garden.
I generally don’t want cigarettes or ashtrays kept inside because they remind me he’s harming himself with tar and nicotine. But about a year ago, Martin began buying novelty ashtrays. The first one was a crab-shaped ashtray from a trip to Spain. At first I thought, “Okay, this looks like a ceramic art piece. It’s fine to keep indoors.” Then he brought home a nice peach-colored dish that looks more like a plate.
Now his collection has grown to include some really ugly ones—some that clearly look like ashtrays, which breaks my rule. Sometimes he takes them outside to smoke but doesn’t empty the ash when he brings them back in. That also breaks my rule, because now there’s ash inside, and I find that gross.
I don’t think I’m being unreasonable. Martin says he doesn’t want to leave the novelty ashtrays outside because they’re technically decor and could get ruined in the rain. This wasn’t a problem before he started collecting them—he used to leave plain ashtrays outside.
I think if he went back to using regular ashtrays, things would be easier for both of us. I’d be happy if he got rid of his collector ones, but I won’t ask him to. Right now, we’re just constantly moving them in and out of the house. It feels silly.
Martin’s side:
I’ve already compromised by cutting back on smoking—plus, these are more like collector’s items.
I know Rita hates smoking, and honestly, I don’t blame her—it’s not a glamorous habit. But I was already a smoker when we met. Over time, I’ve tried hard to change that part of my life, both because I know it worries her and because I want to be healthier.
I quit cigarettes completely for a year, which was really tough for me. I started again after my mum died, which was a difficult time. These days I smoke about three to five menthols a week, and I always do it outside in the garden. I would never smoke inside our flat.
Still, the ashtray situation has somehow become an issue. I started collecting novelty ones just for fun. If I saw an interesting one on holiday or at a market, I’d pick it up. The crab from Spain is a quirky souvenir. I also have a few valuable pieces, like a Murano glass bowl and some vintage ashtrays. They’re fun, and I’ve connected with an online community of collectors. Rita hates it and thinks it encourages smoking, but even if I quit, I’d want to keep them.
The ashtrays are something I enjoy collecting—they’re more about the objects themselves than smoking. Rita agreed they could stay inside because they look like decorative pieces rather than ashtrays. I also got rid of all my old, ugly ashtrays when I quit before, and I don’t want to buy those again when I already have nicer ones. I bring them in and out because I like displaying them on our shelves.
You be the judge – send us your domestic disputes
I think Rita has a fair point about the ash. If I take one outside and bring it back in without emptying it…I can see why that bothers her. But I’ve already made compromises—I’ve cut down on smoking a lot and only smoke outside. The ashtrays are something I enjoy collecting, and it’s more about the objects themselves than smoking.
I’d like a bit of balance. I’m happy to clean them before bringing them inside, but I don’t think having a small, slightly unusual collection of ashtrays in the house means I’m ignoring Rita’s feelings.
The jury of Guardian readers
I applaud Martin for trying to cut down on smoking. I suggest he keep a few of his artistic ashtrays but take steps to quit completely. In time, he might realize Murano glass comes in other beautiful forms—but most importantly, he’ll be healthier!
Jakub, 33
I won’t pretend to understand Martin’s interest in novelty ashtrays, but he has every right to collect them. Surely the best compromise is for Martin to display them on a designated shelf indoors, while keeping an everyday ashtray outside.
Will, 36
The ashtray collection and the smoking habit seem like two separate issues. Martin can collect what he likes (within reason), but should clean his ashtrays before bringing them inside out of respect for Rita. As the collection grows, maybe agree to display only a few?
Ursula, 22
Smoking is a terrible habit, but Martin’s ashtray collection seems fairly harmless. He could reach a new compromise with Rita by deciding which ashtrays are used and kept outside, while the rest stay indoors.
Zeina, 23
Ashtrays should be either functional or decorative—not both. Martin should buy one he’s happy to leave outside and keep his novelty ones inside, so he isn’t constantly bringing the smell of cigarettes into the house.
Katherine, 29
Now you be the judge
In our online poll, tell us: who needs to butt out?
The poll closes on Wednesday, April 1 at 9am BST.
Last week’s results
We asked if Hugo should hold his girlfriend’s hand in public:
– 45% said yes – Hugo is guilty
– 55% said no – Hugo is innocent
Frequently Asked Questions
FAQs Keeping Ashtrays Outside
Beginner General Questions
1 Why would my partner keep his ashtrays outside
The main reasons are to keep smoke ash and the smell of cigarettes out of the house creating a cleaner and healthier indoor environment for everyone
2 What are the main benefits of keeping ashtrays outside
It prevents lingering smoke odors on furniture and curtains reduces indoor air pollution minimizes the risk of accidental fire indoors and keeps ash from being tracked through the house
3 Isnt it just easier to smoke inside
It might be more convenient in bad weather but smoking inside has significant downsides the smell gets into everything its less healthy for others in the home and it can stain walls and ceilings over time
4 What kind of ashtray works best for outside
Look for heavy sturdy materials like ceramic metal or concrete that wont tip over in the wind Ones with deep bowls and a lid or cover are ideal to prevent ashes from blowing away and to keep rain out
Common Problems Practical Tips
5 What if its raining or really cold outside
Consider creating a designated sheltered spot like under a porch awning in a garage or using a large covered ashtray A small outdoor table with an umbrella can also help
6 How do we deal with the smell on his clothes when he comes back in
Having a specific smoking jacket or overshirt that stays outside or in the garage can help Washing hands and using breath mints are also common courtesy steps to minimize the smell being brought inside
7 Wont an outside ashtray look messy or smell bad on the patio
Regular cleaning is key Empty the ashtray daily into a sealed bag in the outdoor trash Rinsing it weekly with vinegar or soapy water will control odors Choosing a discreet location and a nicelooking ashtray can also help
8 What about bugs being attracted to the ashtray
Old cigarette butts in standing water can attract insects Ensure the ashtray has drainage holes keep it dry and empty it frequently to avoid this problem
Advanced Considerate Cohabitation Questions
