The prosecution: Jordan
“I’m not trying to control her, but having one shared calendar helps us plan our lives together.”
Over the past year, I’ve made my girlfriend Charlene share her calendars with me. We’ve lived together for six years, and she only recently gave in. I thought it would be helpful to know what the other person was doing — not because I’m controlling, but because it helps us plan our lives together. But she doesn’t like it.
Charlene says we need to have independent lives, but I think that’s impossible when you live with someone. We can still be independent and give each other a heads-up if we’re hosting or going away.
Charlene is always having people over to our house. She hosts knitting mornings once a week for her friends, and she’s always having dinner parties and work events here too. I’ll come home and there’ll be three random girls she met on Instagram in my living room, discussing something heated.
Today she told me she’s going to Scotland on the same weekend I wanted her to come to my mum’s birthday — which I’d put in the calendar. Charlene is very social and I love that about her, but it would help to have some advance notice. If I’m tired and coming home late, the last thing I want to do is talk to strangers about knitting patterns or work politics. I meet my friends out and about, but Charlene loves being at home and having people round.
Charlene is quite stubborn. She has resisted making the calendar sharing easy, and has made three separate calendars. She has a colour-coded one for work, one for sports, and one for socials, but they’re hard to read. I have one for everything, which I share with her.
Charlene says I should communicate better instead of fussing over the details of the calendar, but we both have full-time jobs and busy lives. We don’t always remember to say everything in person. She’s also not the best texter.
She says the calendar is pointless, but today she told me she’s going to Scotland for a friend’s birthday on the same weekend I wanted her to come to my mum’s birthday — which I’d put in the calendar. She needs to stop being so half-hearted about the calendar thing so that we’re both on the same page.
The defence: Charlene
“The idea of sharing every activity and keeping tabs on each other makes me feel a bit sick.”
I think it’s good to have independent lives. Jordan knows that I have a busy social life. I run things past him in person, but the idea of sharing every activity we’re doing every day makes me feel a bit sick. Overall, he’s relaxed and not controlling, but I hate the idea of being watched.
Jordan recently joked that we could use Find My iPhone to see where we are at any given point, but I would never do that. It’s creepy, and I’d rather not be checking up on him.
I agreed to sharing calendars recently to appease Jordan, but he’s still not happy. He says my method is complicated because I have several different calendars. I’d rather just find out where he is by texting, or even have a written calendar in the kitchen.
Jordan always texts back if I want to know where he is in the evening, but he says I’m not the best texter when it’s the other way around. However, Jordan doesn’t tend to text me asking where I am.
Jordan wants me to use the calendar more, but I’ve already colour-coded mine and shared them with him. What more can I do?
I created the digital calendars to make his life easier, but I prefer just communicating during the week about our plans. I use them more now, but sometimes I forget to add everything.
I reminded Jordan this week, in person, that we’re having a friend stay in our spare room for four nights, and he was fine with it. Putting it into the digital calendar wouldn’t have made any difference, since we have to discuss it in person beforehand anyway. For things like that, I’d always run it past him.
I disagree that I haveWe’re having random people from the internet over to our house. I just have a lot of female friends. Jordan never invites his male friends over. I don’t think men in their 30s socialize and have dinners at home the way women do. Since they never meet at our place, I don’t know many of his friends, which I find strange.
Jordan wants me to use the calendar more, but I’ve already color-coded mine and shared it with him. What more can I do?
The jury of Guardian readers
No wonder Jordan can’t keep up with Charlene’s three-calendar system. It would drive anyone crazy. Still, I agree that sharing every activity would make Charlene feel “watched,” so they should keep it simple with her kitchen calendar idea and just let each other know about bigger things, like weekends away. That way, it’s clear enough.
Carla, 45
I understand that Jordan needs to know when Charlene has people over or if she’s going away, but sharing your whole diary feels a bit invasive. The kitchen calendar is a good idea for the big stuff – for everything else, just talk about it over breakfast.
Jack, 37
As much as I feel for Jordan, I think he’ll just have to accept that Charlene is living the life she wants, with friends and acquaintances always around. The real problem is that Jordan seems to want a quieter life – a shared calendar won’t fix that.
Neil, 56
I’m with Jordan: it’s good to know what your partner is up to when you live together, so you can plan ahead. They could use a wall calendar, but that would be less efficient since paper calendars can’t send reminders.
Mayling, 28
I can’t think of anything less romantic or spontaneous than a shared electronic diary. A kitchen calendar is definitely the way to go – you can get ones with three columns for each day: Jordan, Charlene, and Together. Problem solved.
Carlinhos, 49
Now you be the judge
In our online poll, tell us: is it time Charlene became a calendar girl?
The poll closes on Wednesday 17 June at 9am BST
Last week’s results
We asked if Alice should get rid of her old dishcloths and sponges.
56% of you said yes – Alice is guilty
44% of you said no – Alice is innocent
Frequently Asked Questions
Here is a list of FAQs for the scenario You be the judge should my girlfriend use our shared calendar more effectively
BeginnerLevel Questions
1 What exactly is a shared calendar
A shared calendar is a digital calendar that you and your girlfriend can both see and edit When one person adds an event it automatically shows up on the other persons phone
2 Why would we need a shared calendar Isnt just telling each other enough
Telling each other works for big things but its easy to forget small plans or assume the other person knows A shared calendar creates a single source of truth so nobody has to rely on memory or text messages
3 What are the main benefits of using a shared calendar for a couple
Less nagging You dont have to remind each other of appointments
No doublebooking You can see if the other person is busy before making plans
Better planning You can coordinate date nights chores and family events easily
4 My girlfriend says she forgets to add things Is that a big deal
It depends If she forgets once a month its minor But if she repeatedly forgets and you miss events or get doublebooked it becomes a problem because it shifts the mental load onto you
IntermediateLevel Questions
5 How do I bring this up without sounding like Im controlling or criticizing her
Use I statements and focus on teamwork Say something like Ive noticed we sometimes miss each others plans Id love it if we could both use the shared calendar moreit would help me feel more organized and less stressed Can we try it for a week
6 She adds things but she doesnt check the calendar before making plans What do I do
This is a common issue Suggest a quick habit before she agrees to any social event she glances at the calendar You could also set a gentle reminder on her phone that says Check calendar before saying yes
7 What if she prefers a paper planner or doesnt like technology
Respect her style but find a middle ground Maybe she writes her plans on a whiteboard at home and you
