Graham, 65
“Our sexual preferences range from vanilla to being tied up and spanked.”
Josephine and I met 43 years ago. She was a housemate of my girlfriend at the time—the woman who would later become my wife—so we’ve been friends for a very long time. Our lives ran parallel. We both got married, had kids, and built careers. But then, in 2020, our partners both died of cancer within three days of each other.
During that time, we reconnected and supported each other through our grief. About three years later, things suddenly clicked for me. I realized I was attracted to Josephine and that we were very compatible.
At first, I thought our relationship would be platonic. But one day, we were cuddling on the sofa, and I asked—half-jokingly, assuming we wouldn’t have a sexual relationship—how she felt about kinky sex, which was something I’d explored with my late wife.
“It’s probably the best sex of my life because as you get older, you have to put more effort into it.”
I thought Josephine would kick me out the front door, but she didn’t. She said she’d never tried kinky sex before and would like to give it a go. That sparked things for us.
Our sexual preferences cover everything from vanilla to being tied up and spanked. We take turns being in charge. It’s probably the best sex of my life because as you get older, you have to work at it more. You don’t rush sex because you physically can’t. So we have long sessions, two or three hours, whereas before I’d be lucky to get 10 minutes.
We both understand where each other is coming from and the life experiences we’ve had, so there’s no jealousy when we think or talk about our late spouses. Sometimes we make inevitable comparisons, but we’re honest about it, and we accept it when one of us gets upset on anniversaries or birthdays.
Our relationship is always evolving. We haven’t run out of ideas or fallen into a rut. It’s constantly developing. Given what we’ve been through, we know that being alive is a miracle, and having fun too is fantastic.
Share your experience
If you’d like to talk to us about your sex life, you can get in touch by filling in the form below. It’s very important that both partners are happy to participate.
Please share your story if you’re 18 or over, anonymously if you wish. For more information, see our terms of service and privacy policy.
Tell us here
Your responses, which can be anonymous, are secure because the form is encrypted, and only the Guardian has access to your contributions. We will only use the data you provide for this feature, and we will delete any personal data when we no longer need it for this purpose. For other ways to get in touch securely, see our tips guide.
First name of partner one
First name of partner two
Length of relationship
Contact number or email address of partner one (include your country’s area code if outside the UK)
Contact number or email address of partner two (include your country’s area code if outside the UK)
Do both parties agree to be contacted by a journalist from the Guardian? Yes
By submitting your response, you agree to share your details with us for this feature.
Submit
Show more
Josephine, 65
“We have two suitcases for sex, and they’re getting heavier.”
Graham and I joke that we got married in 1985, just not to each other.
Our relationship changed gradually. Because we had such a similar experience of loss, we could understand each other’s feelings and go through the stages of grief together. It was hard, and it still is.
In the three years after our spouses died, we would meet up for meals. But one day, he grabbed me to stop me from walking in front of someone, and that touch gave me a funny feeling, like a spark. So then…We met up afterward and had a conversation about how we feel and what our relationship could look like—whether it would even work. Since then, it’s been a revelation.
It all started very gently with Graham, but now I’ve discovered my dominant side. It’s liberating.
It had been 40 years since I’d been with someone new. After my husband passed away, I started a new chapter in my life. I decided my mantras would be, “Why not?” and “Give it a go.” I just see how it feels, and if it’s right, then that’s great. I’ve applied that to every part of my life.
This is how we do it: ‘We’re more adventurous now – I’ve discovered my animalistic side’
Read more
It all started very gently with Graham, but now I’ve discovered my dominant side. It’s liberating. It’s a two-way conversation: “Shall we try this?” We have two suitcases for sex, and they’re getting heavier. I’ve got costumes, boots, and stilettos, and I made Graham an apron and a little headdress. We also have chains and straps, plus toys that need regular charging.
It’s been quite a journey for me. I expected to be a little old spinster and had even started looking at retirement homes. Kinky sex has broadened my horizons, and our relationship gives me a reason to get up in the morning. One of the biggest things I remember saying to Graham early on was that I wasn’t anyone’s first thought of the day anymore, and that was really hard. It was a lonely place. But now we have each other.
Frequently Asked Questions
Here is a list of FAQs generated for the statement I thought Id end up as an old spinster but kinky sex opened up my world
BeginnerLevel Questions
1 What does kinky sex actually mean
It generally refers to sexual activities fantasies or dynamics that go beyond vanilla or conventional sex This can include BDSM roleplaying using toys or exploring power exchange
2 How can kinky sex open up your world instead of just being about sex
For many its less about the physical act and more about deep trust communication and selfdiscovery It can help you explore your boundaries build confidence and connect with a likeminded community which can feel liberating and socially fulfilling
3 Isnt kinky sex just for people who are already confident or experienced
Not at all Many people start exploring kink later in life often after feeling shy awkward or past their prime The community often emphasizes consent and negotiation which can actually help build confidence from the ground up
4 Do you have to be in a relationship to explore kinky sex
No Many people explore kink through casual play partners events like munches or online communities Its often about finding partners who share your specific interests not just a romantic partner
5 What if Im not sure what Im into
Thats perfectly normal Start by reading listening to podcasts or attending a local munch You dont need a label You can also take a BDSM checklist online to see what piques your curiosity
Advanced Questions
6 How do you find a safe partner if youre starting out late in life
Focus on vetting Attend local munches talk to people in online forums and look for those who prioritize RACK or SSC A good partner will happily discuss limits safewords and aftercare before any play
7 What is aftercare and why is it so important
After
