Vivian, 61
“Since menopause and being with Thomas, my interest in sex is much higher.”
“If you don’t use it, you’ll lose it,” my sister told me a couple of years after my divorce. “Go and buy a vibrator or something.” That was when I was in my mid-50s, and it was the first time I started masturbating. I had a sexual awakening: I had my first orgasm ever, started listening to podcasts about sex, and felt hornier than I’d ever been. Around that time, Thomas and I began flirting over text. If I’m honest, the fact that Thomas was still married made it more exciting. I justified it by telling myself that he and his wife hadn’t had sex in years. He said he had feelings for me, but I was the one who made the first move.
“Our drives probably aren’t that different, but for me, sex is connection and reassurance.”
We first had sex seven months before Thomas eventually separated from his wife. I thought it would be a one-time thing. I couldn’t imagine us as a couple, but I knew we’d have fun. I’d never been with someone who cared about my pleasure before. In my marriage, sex was boring and vanilla—something we did on a Saturday night. Since menopause and being with Thomas, my interest in sex is much higher. If it were up to me, we’d have sex every other day, but it’s more like twice a week. Once Thomas has had time to recover, I’ll say, “It’s been a few days…” But my desire is responsive, and I’m not used to being the one who initiates.
Thomas’s libido has declined since we’ve been together, and I worry it will keep declining. Our drives probably aren’t that different, but for me, sex is connection and reassurance. When he orgasms, I feel complete. If Thomas initiates, it reassures me that I’m not too old, that I’m still attractive, that he still desires me.
Share your experience
If you’d like to talk to us about your sex lives, you can get in touch by filling in the form below. It’s very important that both partners are happy to participate. Please share your story if you’re 18 or over, anonymously if you wish. For more information, please see our terms of service and privacy policy.
Tell us here
Your responses, which can be anonymous, are secure because the form is encrypted and only the Guardian has access to your contributions. We’ll only use the data you provide for this feature, and we’ll delete any personal data when we no longer need it for that purpose. For alternative ways to get in touch securely, please see our tips guide.
First name of partner one
First name of partner two
Length of relationship
Contact number or email address of partner one (please include your country’s area code if outside the UK)
Contact number or email address of partner two (please include your country’s area code if outside the UK)
Do both parties agree to being contacted by a journalist from the Guardian? Yes
By submitting your response, you agree to share your details with us for this feature.
Submit
Show more
Thomas, 58
“Even the way Vivian sinks into my hugs shows how she desires me.”
Fourteen years ago, I joined a swimming club after moving to a new area with my wife and kids. I remember walking out onto the pool deck and noticing Vivian. She was physically fit, friendly, and took care of people in a way I found attractive. After she mentioned that her husband had to be home by 8pm to watch his shows, I imagined their sex life wasn’t great. I fantasised about going over to their house during the day while he was at work and having sex with her.
Skip past newsletter promotion
Free newsletter | Weekly
Sign up to Inside Saturday
The only way to get a look behind the scenes of the Saturday magazine. Sign up to get the inside story from our top writers as well as all the must-read articles and columns, delivered to your inbox every weekend.
Preview latest
Enter your email
Sign up
After newsletter promotion
The first time we kissed – at Vivian’sAfter I dropped her off at her door, I felt a warm, tingling sensation. It was the most sexually intimate I’d been with anyone in almost eight years. But the first time we had sex didn’t go well. It was May, and I suggested swimming in a lake, thinking it would feel sensual. We tried to warm up in the shower, and I loved feeling her wet, smooth, slippery skin. But when we moved to the bed, the sheets stuck to our damp bodies. I couldn’t stay hard. Even though I was as limp as a noodle, it didn’t feel like a failure – we laughed about it.
I feel grief over losing my libido – I miss my youth and how easy it used to be to get an erection. My sex drive is lower than it used to be. I struggle to stay hard, and it takes me a couple of days to recover after sex. Vivian thinks that means she’s not attractive enough, but it has nothing to do with her – it’s because I’m tired.
After my ex-wife stopped enjoying sex, I felt embarrassed to show my sexuality. I’d wear pajamas in bed and turn my back to her. But even the way Vivian melts into my hugs shows how much she desires me, which makes me feel comfortable expressing my sexuality.
I feel grief over losing my libido – I miss my youth and how easy it was to get an erection. But non-sexual intimacy has filled the space that sex left behind, so I don’t feel frustrated. Names have been changed.
Frequently Asked Questions
Here is a list of FAQs based on the quote To be honest the fact that Thomas was married made it more thrilling
General Definition FAQs
Q What does this quote actually mean
A It means the person speaking found the situation more exciting because Thomas was married The secrecy and the taboo nature of it added to the adrenaline rush
Q Is this a red flag statement
A Yes a big one It suggests the speaker is more interested in the thrill of the chase or the drama of the situation than in a healthy respectful relationship It shows a disregard for Thomass marriage vows and his spouses feelings
Q Does thrilling mean the person is a bad person
A Not necessarily bad but it shows a questionable moral compass in this specific situation It prioritizes personal excitement over empathy and integrity Its a confession of selfish motives
Q Is this quote about love or just excitement
A Its about excitement not love Love is usually about wanting the best for someone even if its not you This quote is purely about the speakers own selfish enjoyment
Motivation Psychology FAQs
Q Why would someone find a married person more attractive
A There are a few reasons It can be about the challenge of winning someone whos unavailable the ego boost of being chosen over a spouse or the thrill of secrecy and the risk of getting caught
Q What does forbidden fruit have to do with this
A Thats the core of it The quote is a classic example of the forbidden fruit phenomenon We often desire things more when were told we cant have them The social rules against infidelity make the situation more tempting
Q Is the thrill about Thomas or about the situation itself
A Its about the situation The quote suggests the speaker is thrilled by the fact of his marriage not by Thomass personality or qualities If Thomas were single the speaker likely wouldnt find him as interesting
Q Does this mean the person will get bored once the affair becomes normal
