When Alyson Stoner was nine, a wardrobe assistant on a TV show noticed the child actor’s dark leg hair and told them it was “dirty and unladylike.” They said Stoner couldn’t wear shorts on the show until it was removed. “I started to see my body as something separate from myself—something to control, fix, and shape to meet whatever standard was put in front of me,” Stoner says. “In this case, it was the extreme beauty standards of the industry.”
It was a heavy burden for a nine-year-old, but by then Stoner had already been working for several years. They were a regular on Disney and had appeared in films like Cheaper by the Dozen, so they were used to doing what adults told them. As a teenager, this led to extreme exercise habits and an eating disorder that required inpatient treatment.
Later, Stoner, who uses they/them pronouns, turned to evangelical Christianity to make sense of their life. They underwent conversion practices to, as a church friend put it, rid themselves of “the demon of homosexuality.” Eventually, at 32, Stoner came to accept themselves, came out as queer, and became a mental health practitioner and advocate. Reflecting on their experience as a child star during our Zoom call, they said, “I never had the chance to build a trustworthy connection with my own mind and body.”
In their memoir, Semi-Well-Adjusted Despite Literally Everything, Stoner details how being a child star leads to a strange and damaging life. There are high hopes and painful rejections, and the feeling that you could be seen as a failure before other kids have even finished elementary school. Even if you’re one of the very few who land a role on TV or in a film, you enter an adult world that demands professionalism, the ability to cry on command, and the pressure to grow into an attractive teenager. You’re rewarded for being adaptable and easy to work with, no matter what that means—whether it’s tolerating loopholes that allow you to work long hours or reshaping yourself to fit industry expectations. For Stoner, that included being told to cover up in the sun so their skin wouldn’t get “any darker.”
As a child star, the livelihoods of the adults around you—your parent, agent, or anyone else you employ—depend on your success. Then there are the stalkers and threats; Stoner was once the target of an attempted kidnapping after their team nearly sent them to meet someone they believed was a terminally ill fan. Their relationship with their mother was close but strained; Stoner writes that she was overly invested in her child’s success: “As long as I shined, she shined.”
Stoner calls the path of child stardom the “toddler to train-wreck pipeline.” With their book, they say, “My goal isn’t to name, shame, or blame individuals, but to empower people with information. I believe that once we know more and know better, we’ll make better choices, especially for children.”
They point out that as a child, it was impossible to make an informed decision about becoming a professional actor with all it involved. “I seriously doubt whether turning my love for performing into a commercial venture was ever really my choice.”
Stoner grew up in Toledo, Ohio, as the youngest of three children, and for as long as they can remember, they loved to perform. They write about arranging their preschool classroom’s pet cages in a semicircle so they could perform numbers from Grease for the animals. When they were “discovered” by the same woman who found actor Katie Holmes, Stoner was marked as special.
“I think there were a lot of well-meaning adults who just wanted to support what looked like a young person with a natural talent. If I could go back, I would strongly encourage exploring creativity in ways that aren’t commercial or industrialized.At its heart, artistry is a beautiful, deeply human expression. But a corporation owning your name and likeness feels far less natural. Stoner didn’t even have financial security from years of work—due to mismanagement by the adults around them, they were left with nothing, despite believing they had nearly a million dollars.
By age six, already a talented dancer and actor, Stoner began entering child modeling and talent competitions, hoping to catch the eye of casting directors and agents. They and their mother later moved to Los Angeles to pursue their career, enduring a grueling period of endless auditions and acting classes. In one class, Stoner was encouraged to draw on real pain—imagining never seeing their father again, who had grown distant after the divorce. At the time, Stoner believed this was a way to honor a character’s experience by tapping into genuine emotion.
Over the years, however, their body began to rebel against such deep vulnerability. Instead of staying open, they developed a protective numbness, an emotional shield that made it hard to feel or express emotions. Later, in therapy, they were diagnosed with alexithymia—a difficulty identifying emotions. Stoner sees this as a response to unintentionally traumatizing themselves through countless auditions and following advice from adults who encouraged such techniques. This included auditions for roles like a terminally ill child or witnessing a staged shootout for an action film—and being praised for handling it well. “What a bizarre experience,” Stoner reflects, “to be rewarded for acting out pain and horror. It’s so confusing for a seven-year-old.”
Stoner found success, appearing in three Missy Elliott music videos and landing roles in Disney Channel shows and films like Cheaper by the Dozen, Camp Rock, and Step Up. But there were also many disappointments—auditions that went nowhere, pilots that weren’t picked up. “When you are the product,” Stoner says, “you internalize rejection. It chips away at your self-esteem. Even when you’re chosen, your worth feels tied to external validation. You never build a core sense of self—it’s always connected to things beyond your control. And this happens daily to a child, disrupting their health and development.”
At 12, Stoner was briefly considered for their own show, but the opportunity vanished when a similar teen sitcom, Hannah Montana, was picked up instead, launching Miley Cyrus to stardom. Other peers, like Demi Lovato, who starred in Camp Rock, also overshadowed Stoner’s career. “I coped by denying how much it affected me,” Stoner admits. “I was afraid of negative emotions like self-doubt or envy, so I leaned into toxic positivity. If I had let myself feel the hurt of not being chosen, I might have quit. I needed a story to keep going.” But those suppressed emotions festered and eventually took a serious toll on their health.
From age eight, Stoner felt they were in “permanent performance mode,” with no real experience of a normal childhood. Going through puberty is hard for any teenager, but doing it under the scrutiny of adults and cameras was excruciating. Stoner adds, “For a young female body in particular, there was this sudden expectation to know how to sexualize your performances. It was just so bizarre.”It was a horrifying experience to be in room after room with adult casting directors, knowing that at just 13 or 14, I was expected to seduce them.
So many of my “firsts” happened on camera or during rehearsals. While rehearsing a scene for the Disney show The Suite Life of Zack & Cody, I had to kiss both of the main brothers. In Cheaper By the Dozen 2, I went on my first “date.” I remember having to Google what feelings I was supposed to portray in those moments. I felt like an observer, thinking, “Okay, as the scientist here, what are the specimens doing? Oh, that’s a classroom. Interesting. Textbooks, pencils? Fascinating.” There’s some humor in that, but also grief.
By my mid-teens, I became obsessed with tracking my punishing exercise routines and calorie intake. I followed such extreme diets that my menstrual cycle stopped. At 17, after a decade of compliance, I finally asked for help.
I was advised against going to rehab because of the looming “child star expiration date.” I knew I needed to hit certain milestones by 18 to transition successfully into an adult career in entertainment, and that deadline was approaching fast. But I was also very unwell.
In treatment, I experienced a consistent routine for the first time, and I was around adults who weren’t on my payroll. I think that started to unravel things for me. After nearly three months in rehab, I returned to Hollywood, though I had already begun looking for a life beyond it. By my mid-20s, I had a YouTube channel, was studying mental health, and making music. I came out as queer in a piece for Teen Vogue in 2018, which cost me a job on a children’s show.
Later, I started a podcast called Dear Hollywood, where I explored the lives of child stars. In one episode, I spoke openly about being raped in my 20s. Nothing like that had happened during my time as a child actor, but something about the experience felt indescribably familiar. It made me reassess the situations I’d been put in as a child—the feeling that my body wasn’t my own, whether it was crew members reaching under my clothes to attach a microphone or executives commenting on how my adolescent body was developing. I was already in therapy at the time, so I had support after the assault. Looking back, I’m not sure I ever really understood what it felt like to say “no” growing up, even though there were many times I could have and should have.
Now, I feel like I might as well use my platform for good, especially to speak up for other survivors. I also want to—what’s the word?—I don’t want to say objectify myself, but continue allowing this public version of myself to exist in hopes of creating social change. It’s a strange position. Most of the time, I just crave anonymity.
I work as a mental health coordinator on sets and have developed a toolkit for young performers. Just as intimacy coordinators have become standard for handling sex and nudity on set, I’d like to see the same level of care given to actors’ mental health, especially child actors. I hope this leads to change, not just for kids in Hollywood, but for kids online too.
I still work as an actor, including voice work for Disney’s Phineas and Ferb. I did worry that my book, and being so critical of the industry, would affect my career. I’ve been testing out different…I’m preparing for different scenarios, depending on how this situation develops, so that I can at least have my basic needs covered in case it affects my contracts.
Having experienced both wealth and poverty, how do they now see society’s idea of success—promoted by Hollywood itself—and the value we place on fame and money? “I saw through the illusion much earlier,” Stoner says. “By the time I was 18, when others were just starting their first jobs, I had already sampled the promised rewards of success and status, and I found them rather unappealing.”
Having missed out on a normal childhood, Stoner has since built a life. Therapy and finding purpose, especially through their mental health work, has helped them figure out who they are and what they want. Writing the book brought them closer to their father and revealed a different story from the one they had grown up with. They had been estranged for 15 years, but upon reconnecting, they learned that their father had fought for years for custody and contact.
“I think those parts of the book feel the most emotionally powerful and unresolved,” Stoner says. Their relationship with their mother is, they explain, “a very delicate matter” they prefer not to discuss. Through writing, Stoner has been able to better understand their identity beyond being the little girl in a Missy Elliott video or a teen Disney star. “It’s given me a certain freedom from my past.”
Semi-Well-Adjusted Despite Literally Everything: A Memoir by Alyson Stoner is published by Pan Macmillan (£22).
Frequently Asked Questions
Of course Here is a list of FAQs about Alyson Stoners journey designed to be clear concise and in a natural tone
General Beginner Questions
Q Who is Alyson Stoner
A Alyson Stoner is an actress dancer and singer who rose to fame as a child star in movies like Cheaper by the Dozen and Step Up and on the Disney Channels Camp Rock and The Suite Life of Zack Cody
Q What does it mean that she was sexualized as a child
A It means that adults in the industry and the public began to view and treat her while she was still a minor in a sexual way rather than as a talented child This included inappropriate comments costumes and camera angles focused on her body
Q What kind of stalkers did she have to deal with
A She experienced intense and dangerous fan obsession including individuals who trespassed on her property sent threatening messages and made her fear for her personal safety and that of her family
Q Why was she starving Wasnt she successful
A The starvation refers to the immense pressure in Hollywood to maintain an extremely thin body type This led her to develop eating disorders where she severely restricted her food intake to meet unrealistic industry standards not because she lacked access to food
Advanced Deeper Questions
Q How did these struggles affect her mental health
A The combination of these issues led to severe anxiety depression PTSD and a fractured sense of identity She has spoken about feeling like she was living multiple separate lives and struggling to know who she was outside of her fame
Q What specific steps did she take to overcome these challenges
A Her recovery involved intensive therapy stepping away from the spotlight to focus on her education and personal growth rebuilding a healthy relationship with food and her body and using her voice to advocate for change in the industry
Q Did anyone in the industry help or protect her at the time
A She has stated that the systems meant to protect child actors often failed The environment was more focused on productivity and profit than on the wellbeing of the children leaving many to suffer in silence
Q What is she doing now
