I’ve been friends with a woman for over 20 years, and I truly admire how she’s overcome many challenges. Yet, she often seems caught off guard by others. Her husband left her unexpectedly, which was a huge shock. Many of her friends vanished around that time because they were more interested in her husband, and this surprised her. She started making more of an effort with our friendship, perhaps realizing what true friendship means.
Since then, several of her friends have drifted away, and she’s unsure why. Her last employer turned against her even though she was a great employee, and she left without understanding what went wrong.
Now that we’re both retired, we’re spending more time together, but I feel like I’m just an audience in our conversations. I bring up topics, and she steers them toward her own interests. She has strong political views, and when I suggest fact-checking or other perspectives, it doesn’t go well.
She’s been planning a trip to a country I know well, having visited many times and lived there. I tried to share my insights, but she wasn’t interested—she just wanted me to agree with her choices. I recently returned from a month there, and she wants to meet up, but I’m avoiding it. I don’t want to end the friendship without explanation, but I doubt she’ll ever understand how her behavior affects my self-esteem. What should I do?
You could simply walk away, but that rarely brings the peace you hope for. Confronting the issue to find a resolution requires courage and willingness from both of you.
I spoke with UKCP-registered psychotherapist Noel Bell, who suggested you address this with your friend, especially since people haven’t been open with her in the past, leaving her blindsided.
Bell recommended a conflict resolution approach: first, describe what typically happens in your conversations as factually as possible, like a recording would play back. Second, explain how it makes you feel—your feelings are valid and not up for debate. Third, ask how you can both work to change the dynamics of your friendship.
Remember, she has her own perspective, so be ready to listen to it.
Bell advises thinking about how to approach her. A face-to-face conversation might be best, as she could be more receptive in person if she values your friendship. It also allows you to read her body language and adjust the conversation accordingly, and it gives her a chance to ask questions. Try to do this in a relaxed, private setting.
Of course, your friend might dismiss everything. Some people hold onto a “survival narrative”—a story about themselves they can’t let go of because it’s all they know, and they blame others for everything.It can be challenging to communicate with someone who seems closed off, as if every path leads to a dead end. However, she might first appear this way and later reflect on your words. Even if you never find a resolution, being honest with her can bring you peace of mind.
Keep in mind that she has her own perspective, so be ready to listen to it. I once discussed managing differences in a podcast and learned a useful technique: after you’ve spoken, or even before, tell the other person, “Now it’s your turn to talk, and I won’t say anything for the next half hour.” This approach is surprisingly effective.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri offers advice on a reader’s personal issue. If you’d like her guidance, send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Please note that Annalisa cannot respond to individual messages. All submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. You can listen to the latest episodes of her podcast here.
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Frequently Asked Questions
Of course Here is a list of helpful FAQs about having an honest conversation with a friend before deciding to end the friendship
FAQs Talking to a Friend Before Cutting Them Off
BeginnerLevel Questions
1 Why should I even bother talking to them Cant I just slowly distance myself
While you can distance yourself an honest conversation gives your friend a clear chance to understand your feelings and possibly change It provides closure and ensures you tried everything before making a final decision
2 Im afraid of hurting their feelings How do I bring this up without starting a fight
Use I statements to focus on your feelings instead of blaming them For example say I feel drained when our talks are onesided rather than You only talk about yourself Approach the conversation with care not anger
3 What if they get defensive and dont listen
Thats a common risk Your goal isnt to control their reaction but to express yourself honestly If they become defensive it actually gives you valuable information about their ability to handle your needs which can help you make your final decision
4 Whats a simple example of what I could say
You could try Hey I really value our friendship but Ive been feeling a bit unheard lately Id love it if our conversations could feel more balanced where we both get a chance to share whats going on in our lives
5 Where and when is the best place to have this talk
Choose a private neutral and quiet place where you wont be interrupted Its best to do it in person but a phone or video call works if thats not possible Avoid texting for something this important
AdvancedLevel Questions
6 How do I set a boundary during this conversation
A boundary is a clear limit you set for yourself You can state it by saying what you need and what will happen if its not respected For example For this friendship to feel healthy for me I need more balanced conversations If that cant happen I will need to take a step back for my own wellbeing
7 What if they apologize but then go back to their old habits
This is very common Pay attention to their consistent actions not just their onetime apology If they revert to old patterns it shows
