Here’s a rewritten version of your text in more natural, fluent English while keeping the meaning intact:
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My 83-year-old mother recently told me she’s never had an orgasm. My father is terminally ill and likely won’t be with us much longer, so my mum is slowly—and painfully—coming to terms with life without her partner of over 50 years. I want to help her see that life after my dad can still be fulfilling, and I wonder if exploring self-pleasure could be part of that. Is that even possible at her age? And if it is, could it be more upsetting for her to realize she lived this long without experiencing an orgasm or sharing that with her partner? Just as important—should an adult child even have this conversation with their mother, and how would I approach it?
I know this might make some people uncomfortable, but I think it’s wonderful that your mother feels open enough to talk to you about this. She might also be trying to share some wisdom with you—maybe about the importance of women’s pleasure. It’s interesting that she chose to confide in you rather than her friends. Did she actually ask for help? How did she bring it up?
Your mother also has a medical condition (which you asked me not to specify), and the medication for it can either lower desire or increase it—so that’s another factor to consider. Given the timing of this conversation, it might be the latter. There’s a lot happening in your lives right now, especially with the grief you’re all facing, and I’m truly sorry about your dad’s illness.
The good news is, yes, your mother can absolutely explore this at 83—in fact, 10% of people over 90 are still sexually active. It’s never too late to discover self-pleasure. I spoke with Jo Coker, a counselling psychologist and psychosexual therapist, who pointed out that your mum could benefit from therapy now or later.
“Your parents had a long marriage, and your mother may have held onto hope that an orgasm would happen eventually,” Coker said. “Your father’s illness not only ends that hope but brings the grief of losing her life partner and facing an uncertain future.”
If your mum does seek therapy, the first step would be exploring her sexual history—was there anything preventing her from orgasming? Coker also noted that women of your mum’s generation might not realize clitoral stimulation is often key, and there are many ways to achieve it.
If she’s open to trying sex toys, Coker suggests considering age-related factors, like any physical limitations.
The best way to bring this up is to refer back to her original conversation and gently mention that there are other ways to experience pleasure beyond partnered sex. I doubt you’d want to show her this response, but it might help. Therapy could be a big step for her—maybe too much right now—but it might also offer support as she navigates this new chapter.
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This version keeps the original meaning while making it more conversational and easier to read. Let me know if you’d like any further refinements!She feels grief in anticipation of loss.
If we take away any sense of shame around sex, the conversation shifts to pleasure. While many mothers and daughters don’t discuss this, that doesn’t mean they can’t—or shouldn’t.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri offers advice on a reader’s personal issue. If you’d like her guidance, email your question to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa can’t respond individually. Submissions follow our terms and conditions.
Her latest podcast series is available here. Comments on this article are moderated to keep the discussion focused. There may be a slight delay before they appear.
FAQS
### **FAQs About Exploring Sexuality and Pleasure Later in Life**
#### **Beginner Questions**
**1. Is it normal for older women to explore their sexuality?**
Yes! Sexual desire and pleasure can continue at any age. Many women enjoy fulfilling intimate lives well into their senior years.
**2. Can menopause affect sexual pleasure?**
Yes, hormonal changes may cause dryness or lower libido, but solutions like lubricants, hormone therapy, or communication with a partner can help.
**3. How can my mother start exploring her sexuality if she’s new to it?**
She can begin by reading books, talking to a therapist, experimenting with self-pleasure, or discussing desires with a trusted partner.
**4. Are there health risks to being sexually active later in life?**
Generally, no—sex is safe if she’s healthy. If she has concerns, she should consult a doctor for personalized advice.
**5. What if she feels embarrassed or ashamed about her desires?**
These feelings are common but unnecessary. Talking to a supportive friend, therapist, or partner can help normalize her experiences.
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#### **Intermediate Questions**
**6. How can she maintain intimacy if she’s single or widowed?**
Self-exploration, dating, or even emotional intimacy with friends can be fulfilling. Sex toys designed for seniors can also help.
**7. What are some common physical challenges and solutions?**
– *Vaginal dryness* → Water-based lubricants or vaginal moisturizers.
– *Lower stamina* → Slower, more relaxed intimacy.
– *Pain during sex* → Different positions or pelvic floor therapy.
**8. Can medications affect her sex life?**
Some medications may lower libido. A doctor can adjust prescriptions or suggest alternatives.
**9. How can she communicate her needs to a partner?**
Honest, open conversations about desires and boundaries are key. Starting with “I’ve been curious about…” can make it easier.
**10. Are there books or resources for older women exploring sexuality?**
Yes! *”The Ultimate Guide to Sex After 50″* by Joan Price or *”Better Than I Ever Expected”* by Joan Price are great starts.
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