My wife and I have three children and several grandchildren. Our will may contain some surprises for them. Is it better to reveal its contents while we are still alive, or let our beneficiaries discover them when we die?
We gave our children considerable financial help, enabling them to buy their first homes. We have also made sizeable contributions to our grandchildren’s education funds.
Our thinking is that our descendants will need more assistance when they are young: for their education, setting up home, starting a family. And we want to give them the gift of knowing that my wife and I loved them enough to help with these challenges, and that the bequests came from us, not through the generosity of their parents.
My wife’s jewellery goes only to our granddaughters, and the mothers of our grandsons could feel aggrieved that their sons have been passed over. However, we don’t consider the jewellery to have any financial value, as it should never be exchanged for cash.
The financial value of our estate is to be divided one-third to each of the next three generations, with each third divided equally between the members of that generation. We have also stipulated that no generation’s members will receive more than their parent.
If we tell our children the contents of the will now, they may think we are asking for their opinions, which we emphatically are not. Making this clear may result in ill feeling. On the other hand, if they discover the will’s provisions only when we die, there may be room for misunderstanding, again resulting in ill feeling. We have explained our thinking in a document that accompanies the will. I wonder if others have wrestled with these questions and arrived at satisfactory conclusions?
What riches you have with all these children and grandchildren!
I am assuming you live in England and Wales, where you can leave your estate to whomever you want.
I went to lawyer and wills specialist Gary Rycroft, who advised that “there is no legal requirement to tell anyone, including your children, what’s in your will. It is your money, your property and, ultimately, your decision. A will is not decided by a family committee.”
That said, Rycroft and I both advocate discussing things ahead of time. “I’m a fan of transparency,” said Rycroft. “No one likes surprises in wills, especially if the surprise is getting less than expected. And while the will is clear about who gets what, families can be left very unclear about why.”
Remember, an inheritance is not just about what you leave behind – it’s also how you will be remembered
So, yes, we think you should explain ahead of time. I have seen families torn asunder by unexpected wills. Also, who knows what might happen between now and when the will becomes active. What if you have an argument with a family member and they think the will is retribution (even if it was clearly dated before the row)? Also, remember that it is likely that either you or your wife will die first, so if you decide to talk about it beforehand, it’s best done together.
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Rycroft said to make sure the extra document you mention is a “more formal ‘memorandum of wishes’. The will is still the legally operative document and the memorandum does not rewrite or trump it. Its value is in explaining the decisions.” This stands even if you have a meeting to explain, as people tend to forget what was said or recall only what they want to.
“Remember,” counselled Rycroft, “an inheritance is not just about what you leavIt’s also about how a person will be remembered.” And don’t forget that anyone over 18 who inherits from you can change their share within a certain time limit using a deed of variation, redirecting who gets it. This is a reminder that after death, we can’t control what happens to those we leave behind. Every week, Annalisa Barbieri answers a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you’d like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets that she cannot respond to personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here. Comments on this piece are pre-moderated to keep the discussion focused on the topics raised in the article. Please note that there may be a short delay before comments appear on the site.
Frequently Asked Questions
Here is a list of FAQs based on the article and topic of discussing wills with adult children
1 Do I have to tell my children what is in my will
No you are not legally required to tell them A will is a private document However telling them can prevent confusion and conflict later on
2 Why might my children be surprised by my will
They might be surprised if you have made choices they didnt expect For example you might leave more money to one child than another leave a specific item to a grandchild or leave a significant amount to charity
3 What is the main benefit of telling my children about my will now
The main benefit is avoiding arguments and hurt feelings after you pass away It gives everyone a chance to understand your decisions and ask questions while you are still here to answer them
4 What is the biggest risk of not telling them
The biggest risk is that your children will feel hurt angry or confused when they find out This can lead to permanent family rifts and even legal challenges to the will
5 When is the right time to talk to my children about my will
There is no perfect time A good time is when you are updating your will or when your children are adults and financially independent It should be a calm planned conversation not a casual mention
6 How do I start the conversation
You can start by saying something like Ive been reviewing my will and I want to share my plans with you so there are no surprises later Keep it simple and direct
7 What if my children dont like my decisions
They might not like them That is okay The goal is not to get their approval but to explain your reasoning You can say I understand you may feel disappointed but this is my decision and I wanted you to know
8 Should I tell them the exact amounts of money they will get
You can but you dont have to It is often better to explain the reasons behind your decisions rather than focusing on specific numbers For example I left more to your brother because he has a disability and needs more support
9 What if I want to leave one child out of the will
This is a very difficult decision If you do this it is even more important to
