The prosecution: Damien
“Flowers are a fleeting gesture. Why not buy plants that last for years instead?
Flowers are pretty, but they don’t last. Three days in, and they’re already half dead. I’m not against flowers, but I don’t understand Tolu’s obsession with them. She buys flowers every week, wherever she finds a good deal – from the stalls near us, the supermarket, or even the petrol station. Since she often buys discounted ones, they start wilting and dying really quickly.
Tolu loves getting flowers on her birthday – or any occasion, really. She’ll show up to a friend’s barbecue with a bouquet instead of a bottle of wine, which I just don’t get. She says, “But they’re just so pretty.” I think there are better ways to show you care. A plant lasts much longer, and a bottle of wine can be shared among friends.
If I don’t get Tolu flowers on her birthday, she sulks. Last year, I took her to a fancy restaurant, but she still said, “No flowers?” – as if the rest of the gesture meant nothing without them.
Tolu wants to sign up for a weekly flower delivery service, but I’m not sure it’s a good use of our money.
I do make more of an effort to buy her flowers now that I know how much they mean to her, but I still don’t really get it. She wants flowers to prove how much I love her, but I show her every day through gestures like cooking dinner or de-icing her car in winter. Gestures that actually mean something – not objects that die quickly.
Her favorites are peonies and dahlias, but they aren’t cheap. We’ve been living together for 16 months, and I realized right away that flowers would be a big part of our life. Tolu wants to sign herself up for a weekly flower delivery service using our joint account, but I don’t think it’s a good use of our money.
I’d rather we spend that money on more plants. These are gifts that keep on giving, while flowers are the opposite. Plants last months or even years, they improve air quality, and they can become something you genuinely care about. Every time you water one, you’re reminded of the person who gave it to you.
Flowers are a fleeting gesture. Once they’re stuck in a vase, it’s a quick road to death. Honestly, I find the whole idea pretty depressing. Plants, on the other hand, are a lasting investment. Why buy a week of beauty when you could invest in years?
You be the judge – send us your domestic disputes.
Read more.”
The defence: Tolu
“Things don’t have to last for years to be worth having – flowers are beautiful and I love them.
Flowers don’t last forever, but it’s morbid to say they’re a ‘quick road to death.’ I don’t agree with that. If anything, they remind us to live in the moment. Yes, their beauty is short-lived, but they give so much while they’re here.
If I signed up for a weekly delivery service, the problem of wilting flowers would be less of an issue, since I’d be getting fresh flowers at a discount. I’m careful with money, so I buy the discounted ones when I see them. Damien knows I use my own money for those, but he’s less keen on me using our joint account for house flowers – even though he’d benefit from having them around. If I used the delivery service, there would be fewer wilting petals and less mess, since they’d stay fresher longer. He can’t complain about that.
I don’t believe in strict gender roles, but it would be nice to get flowers from my partner every now and then.
Our different tastes were clear from the week we moved in together. Damien didn’t see the point in spending £15 on a bouquet while we were still unpacking. I said it was to brighten the place up until we decided on a color scheme and furniture.
Not everything in a home has to justify its existence by staying there for years. Some things are simply allowed to be beautiful while they’re here.
I also think Damien could buy me flowers sometimes. Some girls expect them every week, but I’m buying them myself. I don’t believe in strict gender roles, but getting flowers from my partner now and then would be nice. Flowers make the man.
For the birthday without flo…”I wasn’t sulking, just shocked. I thought, “Some peonies or roses would have been the perfect finishing touch to this day.” They carry a romantic meaning. It’s a small gesture, but it would have shown he cares, especially since he knows how much I love them.
Growing up, money was tight, so my parents never bought things like dahlias. I love having big vases of flowers around me—it feels luxurious, like I can finally enjoy the things I want. Damien thinks in terms of longevity, efficiency, and value per week, but I don’t think everything can be measured that way.
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The jury of Guardian readers
Come on, Damien, stop being so serious and unromantic! The world is a nicer place with flowers in it—and I’m sure your home and relationship would be too, if you splurged on a bunch every now and then. It’s time to wake up and smell the roses.
Ana Paula, 31
Tolu, it was rude to complain “no flowers?” when you were being treated on your birthday. I’m with Damien: cutting down flowers in their prime and watching them die is depressing, and a waste of money.
Rick, 33
Flowers clearly bring Tolu joy, but a weekly subscription is expensive. Damien is right that plants last much longer. Maybe they should set a monthly budget for flowers and plants, and split it between them.
Jendayi, 40
Tolu’s love of flowers is part of who she is—it’s her love language—and it shouldn’t be dismissed. But subscription services are pricey, so either Tolu could pay for them herself, or Damien could get a subscription of the same value each week for something he loves.
Wendy, 53
I’m sorry to be a killjoy, but signing up for a weekly flower delivery is a real extravagance that serious people shouldn’t consider. I’d also hope Tolu chooses locally grown flowers instead of varieties flown halfway around the world. I’m with Damien—beauty isn’t everything.
Sydney, 43
Now you be the judge
In our online poll, tell us: should Tolu nip this in the bud?
The poll closes on Wednesday 22 July at 9am BST
Last week’s results
We asked if Gary should split the cost of a full-price festival ticket with his flatmate Rita, since he already got a free one through work.
49% of you said yes—Gary is guilty
51% of you said no—Gary is not guilty
Frequently Asked Questions
Here is a list of FAQs about the topic You be the judge should my girlfriend stop buying so many flowers
BeginnerLevel Questions
1 Whats the big deal if she buys flowers Arent they just pretty
Its not a big deal if its occasional but if its every week and costing a lot it can become a money issue or a clutter problem The big deal is usually about budgeting or feeling like the money could go to something else
2 Is it normal for someone to buy flowers for themselves
Yes absolutely Many people buy flowers to brighten their own space or mood Its a form of selfcare not just a gift for others
3 How many flowers is too many
Theres no magic number Too many is usually when the cost starts to strain the budget when the house runs out of vases or when old flowers are dying before new ones are even opened
4 Should I tell her to stop
Not necessarily Instead of saying stop try asking why she buys them Is it for stress relief Decoration Once you know the reason you can find a compromise
Intermediate Specific Questions
5 Isnt buying flowers a waste of money compared to something practical
It depends on your values A practical item has utility but flowers provide emotional value and daily joy If that joy is worth the cost to her it isnt a waste
6 What if were trying to save for a big goal
Thats a fair concern Suggest a flower budget within your savings plan For example she can buy a small bouquet once a month instead of weekly and put the saved money toward the goal
7 Could this be a sign of a deeper problem like retail therapy
It can be If she buys flowers every time shes sad stressed or bored it might be a coping mechanism Ask gently if shes feeling overwhelmed The flowers might just be a symptom
8 What about the environmental impact of cut flowers
Thats a valid point Many cut flowers are flown in from other countries and wrapped in plastic If she cares about the planet
