Sex can brighten your day, but scheduling it can make it feel like a chore. Unlike other tasks or fitness goals, we often see sex as self-indulgence rather than self-improvement. Even in a relationship, it can be hard to muster the determination to make it happen. Yet sex is an appetite, a necessity, and a form of nourishment like any other. Letting it fade can leave your relationship feeling like you’re both on a permanent diet—and lonely. That might work for some, but for many of us, sex is worth prioritizing.
At its heart, sex is a two-person job, so you need to be in sync; you can’t decide alone. For childless couples, the main hurdle is often each other—not being in the same mood or even in the same place at the same time. This affects the whole relationship, not just sex. I once spoke with a fertility doctor who described trying to schedule an appointment for a couple when one was ovulating and both were in the country. It took weeks to find a time. “I felt like I was starting to understand why they couldn’t conceive,” she said.
Sex doesn’t have to begin and end in the bedroom, says Michelle Bassam, a psychological and sexual therapist with 25 years of experience. “You can maintain intimacy throughout the day by being tactile. Showing interest in your partner can be enough.” On the flip side, not showing interest, never giving your partner your full attention, or only touching them when you want sex—Larry David-style—can derail things.
Having small kids is often seen as the ultimate passion-killer because the change is so sudden. One minute you’re two carefree people having sex whenever you like, and the next, you’re exhausted, resentful, and may have a toddler in your bed. Even on those rare occasions when you’re both awake and undistracted, you might not be in the mood. Body image and identity crises can also strain the relationship. “It’s considered a really risky time for couples, not just sexually,” says sex therapist Jodie Slee. But start with practical steps. Slee shares a striking statistic: “If a woman gets an extra hour of sleep a night, that increases her libido by 14%.”
Body image concerns are real. “Motherhood is not seen as a sexy thing,” Slee notes. This often falls on women, who go through a physical ordeal that can make sex unappealing, leave them looking tired, and even smelling different for months. Culturally, the “mother” role is often stripped of sexual identity. “I think it’s okay for women to be a little selfish and take time to reconnect with their pre-child selves,” Slee adds.
Everyone, whether they have children or not, needs to acknowledge how much has changed and the pain that may come with it. Build a support network so you can leave the kids overnight without worry. Don’t let a temporary sex drought turn into a permanent void. And avoid using sex to mediate other resentments—withholding physical intimacy over unrelated annoyances only makes things worse.
“Make sure the workload is equal,” Slee advises, “so one person isn’t handling all the night feeds and labor. It’s okay for parents to be a little selfish and avoid martyrdom in parenting. Children don’t need every single bit of you.”As children grow into teenagers, they may demand less of your time, but a layer of self-consciousness often emerges. “Parents have a responsibility, ideally, to keep their private lives private,” Bassam says. “But it’s very important that children and young teens learn from their parents what intimacy looks like. It can be as simple as a reassuring touch on the shoulder as someone passes through the kitchen.”
The challenges don’t end once the child-rearing years are over. This century has seen a rise of more than a third in young adults living with their parents. “Many people feel uncomfortable having sex at their parents’ house,” Bassam notes—a situation often made worse by family photos displayed in the spare room.
There’s also a natural reluctance that makes it easier to ask others to accommodate dietary needs or habits than to request a little private time. People will gladly adjust for a gluten intolerance, or tolerate a meditation routine, but saying, “We’re just going to slip away for a bit,” feels far more awkward.
This applies to any shared living situation: you need to communicate your needs as a couple. If you feel your relationship is constantly overshadowed by the demands of the group, it can dampen your desire for sex—or make it feel needy and unappealing rather than erotic.
There’s a common belief that scheduling sex spells doom for a relationship, but not everyone sees it that way. “If you reframe it,” Slee suggests, “you’re not scheduling, you’re prioritizing—showing each other that intimacy matters.” In long-term partnerships, “desire tends to be more responsive than spontaneous. If you wait for the mood to strike on its own, you might be waiting a very long time.”
Planning also helps relieve the pressure of keeping track: “Oh no, it’s been two weeks, now three…” The more pressure and anxiety build up, the less likely intimacy becomes.
Keeping the spark alive comes down to what was once called “erotic defamiliarization”—essentially, a scientific term for novelty. “Novelty is what fuels the honeymoon phase, flooding your body with dopamine,” Slee explains. “Over time, your body adjusts, and the novelty fades. That doesn’t have to mean dungeons or sex clubs—though for some it might. For others, novelty could be using a different room or trying a new outfit.” The comfort of familiarity means you can experiment without fear. Even a misstep shows your partner they’re on your mind.
The first couple Slee ever worked with were in their early 80s and had been together for 50 years. They were having sex every other day and came to therapy simply to add more spice—and their relationship was already quite lively. One had recently had a hip replacement, which brought new physical limitations, but a lack of intimacy wasn’t one of them. They stand as a motivating example of a long, happy marriage—not because of magic, but because they never let too much time pass without connecting.
Frequently Asked Questions
FAQs Keeping the Spark Alive in the Bedroom
Beginner Foundational Questions
Q What does keeping the spark alive actually mean
A It means maintaining a sense of excitement intimacy and desire in your longterm sexual relationship so it feels connected and fulfilling rather than routine or boring
Q Is it normal for sexual passion to fade over time
A Yes its very common The initial honeymoon phase of intense passion naturally evolves The goal isnt to recreate that exact feeling but to build a deeper more sustainable and intimate connection
Q Whats the most important thing for a great sex life
A Open honest and kind communication Its the foundation for everything elseexpressing desires addressing issues and staying connected
Q Were just so busy and tired How do we even start
A Start by intentionally scheduling time for connection even if its not sex A 20minute cuddle a bath together or a no phones conversation can rebuild intimacy Prioritize it like an important appointment
Common Problems Solutions
Q Our sex life has become predictable and routine What can we do
A Introduce small changes Try a new location a different time of day a new position or incorporate a massage The novelty can reignite excitement
Q How do I talk to my partner about trying new things without making them feel criticized
A Use I statements and frame it positively Say I love being intimate with you and I had a fun idea we could explore together or Ive been feeling really attracted to you lately and was thinking we could try
Q What if we have mismatched libidos
A Focus on connection over frequency Spontaneous desire may fade for one partner but responsive desire is common Schedule intimate time broaden your definition of sex to include sensual touch and avoid pressure
Q How can we deal with body image issues that affect our comfort in the bedroom
