People find it so difficult to talk about sex that when someone takes the time to write a question and send it to the Guardian for me to answer, I always consider it a great privilege. Over the 20 years of writing this column, I’ve been reminded how many people are living with quiet desperation about something that troubles them sexually. Often, the solution is simply more education—they need to learn something or be encouraged to open up about a problem.
So many grow up without hearing that sex is healthy and important for a person’s quality of life. They feel guilty every time they have sex or even think a sexual thought. They haven’t been able to enjoy their sexuality or discover who they really are. Sometimes, the problem isn’t sexuality itself but societal expectations—like the prioritization of monogamy—that make life difficult. One topic I wish I’d addressed more is sexuality for people with serious disabilities or illnesses. Many believe they can’t continue as sexual beings, an idea often reinforced by those around them—which I find tragic.
As the column continued, I noticed readers seemed to develop a better understanding of sexual issues. There’s been a welcome shift in acceptance around gender identity, which also began to appear more often in questions. While the social landscape has changed—with dating apps and casual hook-ups becoming more common—the fundamental issues have remained largely the same.
As the Sexual Healing column comes to an end, I want to thank you for all your questions over the past two decades. Here are some of the things they’ve taught me.
The most common question hasn’t changed
Low desire remains a frequent struggle, especially when there’s a mismatch between partners. It’s particularly difficult when one person wants to continue having sex and the other doesn’t. Other issues come and go, but this one has been a constant.
People separate sex from relationships
I’ve noticed challenges around intimacy. Many questions revealed that people often separate sexuality from relationships. They’re comfortable seeking casual sex, but when they try to transition to something long-term, they often write in because they don’t know how. Sexuality isn’t fixed—it changes and develops throughout life. Just because you prefer casual, less revealing encounters in your 20s doesn’t mean you won’t be ready for something different in your 30s.
Understanding your own sexuality is key
People often compare themselves to others, browse the internet, or absorb idealized portrayals from movies. Some grow up with many messages about sex; others with none. This can leave people confused and unsure how to navigate their sexual lives. There’s often a sense of “I should be feeling this” or “I should be doing that, but it doesn’t really excite me.” Try to be truly honest about your own needs and accept them, rather than clinging to expectations of what you should like. Once you understand yourself, the next step is to communicate that clearly to a partner—and to be open to hearing about their needs in return.Who are we, truly, when it comes to sexuality?
I avoid using the word “normal” in discussions about sexuality because it implies there’s a single standard. Instead, I might use “normative,” especially when someone is seeking reassurance. If someone asks, “Is this normal?” I’ll often say, “It’s common.” But I won’t label anything as normal, because the range of human sexuality is so vast.
Some misconceptions persist, like the idea that the only “correct” female orgasm is purely vaginal, without clitoral involvement. It’s surprising that this view still exists as an ideal for some, but it shows a gap in education.
In my clinical work, I can take the time to fully understand the background and interconnected issues a person or couple faces. My advice column was different—I only had fragments of a person’s story, often without their partner’s perspective, so my responses were necessarily one-sided. Even when I sensed a medical issue, like someone potentially benefiting from hormone treatment, I couldn’t give direct advice; I could only suggest they see a doctor.
Sexuality doesn’t have an expiration date. It’s been encouraging in recent years to hear from people in their 70s, 80s, and even 90s who embrace their ongoing sexual selves. While it’s always been true that people can be sexual throughout life, ageist attitudes in society often obscure this.
The internet has profoundly changed sexuality. Young people’s exposure to sexual imagery online can create unrealistic expectations, affecting their future relationships and self-understanding. Dating apps have made sex more accessible, which is positive for some but challenging for others, sometimes at the cost of learning about intimacy early on.
Attitudes toward BDSM have shifted noticeably. Over the past decade, I’ve received many more questions from the BDSM community, reflecting greater openness. What was once very hidden 20 years ago is now more discussed.
Similarly, there’s growing acceptance, especially among younger people, of diverse kinks and a rejection of “kink-shaming.” I’m always glad to help with such questions, but many still hesitate to write due to fear or embarrassment about non-normative sexuality. We’re not moving toward a simplistic “anything goes” mentality—important considerations like boundaries, legality, and consent require ongoing education.
This openness extends to polyamorous relationships. Recently, I’ve received more questions about navigating multi-person relationships, focusing not just on sexual aspects but often on the complexities of managing these dynamics, whether they’re long-term or casual.There are many potential problems if these relationships aren’t clearly negotiated and understood, and if communication is ineffective. It would be helpful if this topic were discussed more openly.
Is love addiction real—and what are the signs?
Many factors influence sexuality. Neurodiversity is still not widely understood in how it connects to sexual challenges. For example, if you struggle to focus or become easily distracted, that can directly impact your ability to enjoy sex. That’s just one illustration; there are countless reasons why someone might experience low desire, and it isn’t always about the relationship. It could be due to depression, grief, medication side effects, or even an underlying health issue like early diabetes causing erectile difficulties. In many ways, every part of a person affects their sexual identity.
People can be selfish about sex—and that isn’t always a bad thing. To some extent, I believe they should be. If you don’t understand how your own body works, you can’t share that with a partner or help them please you. People need to learn both how to give and receive pleasure. Sometimes, individuals aren’t selfish enough; they find it hard to receive, often because of deep-seated guilt about enjoying sex. Pleasure exists for both the giver and the receiver—it requires a mutual exchange. Unless someone can truly accept pleasure, they won’t have a satisfying sex life.
As told to Emine Saner.
Frequently Asked Questions
FAQs Theres No Such Thing as Normal 13 Key Lessons from Two Decades of Sexual Healing
Understanding the Core Idea
1 What does theres no such thing as normal actually mean when it comes to sex
It means that there is no single universal standard for a correct or healthy sex life Desires preferences turnons and relationship dynamics vary widely from person to person and what feels right for you is what matters most
2 Isnt some sexual behavior actually abnormal or unhealthy
Yes but the key distinction is between consensual safe behavior that brings people joy and behavior that causes harm Normal is about societal judgment healthy is about safety consent and wellbeing The focus should be on health not on fitting a narrow idea of normalcy
Common Concerns Myths
3 I dont have a high sex drive Is something wrong with me
No Sex drives exist on a wide spectrum from high to low Your drive is valid Problems only arise if the mismatch in desire causes distress in a relationship which is a common issue to address through communication not a personal failing
4 My fantasies seem weird Does that mean Im broken
Almost certainly not Sexual fantasies are incredibly diverse and private Having a fantasy doesnt mean you want to act it out in real life They are a normal part of the inner sexual world Shame about fantasies often causes more harm than the fantasies themselves
5 How much sex are other people really having
Less than you probably think and it varies enormously Comparing yourself to perceived averages or to media portrayals is a recipe for anxiety The right amount is what feels satisfying and sustainable for you and your partner
Improving Your Sexual Wellbeing
6 Whats the most important skill for a better sex life
Communication This includes talking about desires boundaries and concerns outside the bedroom and giving feedback during intimacy Its the foundation for everything else
7 How do I start a conversation about sex with my partner if it feels awkward
Start outside a sexual context be gentle and use I statements For example I really love being close to you
