I’m sorry to hear about your friend’s situation. It’s important to know that helping someone end their own life is a criminal offense, so I’m relieved she hasn’t asked you to do that.
I spoke with Andrew Balfour, a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist, about your letter. He noted the deep sense of anxiety, loss, and grief in your situation, which must be very difficult for both of you. Your friend is likely feeling scared of becoming vulnerable and dependent, and she’s seeking a sense of control—which explains her keeping the pills. By confiding in you, she’s expressing her fear.
Balfour also sensed that you feel burdened by this responsibility and are struggling with what to do. He suggested finding someone you trust—a friend or a therapist—to talk through your own feelings. Putting these emotions into words might help ease the conflict and create space to understand the deeper anxieties at play. Then you can consider how best to support her.
It might also be helpful to connect with her local palliative care team. They could have someone who can talk to her in a gentle, general way to help ease her mind—though timing would be important to avoid causing more distress. Is there someone in her medical team who could offer psychological support or make a referral?
For now, you can continue to support her just by being there and listening. She clearly trusts you deeply, and that is incredibly valuable. If you were to tell others what she’s shared, you could break that trust. Removing the pills wouldn’t guarantee her safety—she might find another way. So, I wouldn’t recommend telling her family or doctor without her consent.
Balfour mentioned you could check in with her children in a general way, expressing concern without revealing her confidence. And please remember to take care of yourself, too—this is a heavy weight to carry.
If you or someone you know needs emotional support, help is available:
– In the UK and Ireland, contact Samaritans at 116 123, or email jo@samaritans.org or jo@samaritans.ie.
– In the US, call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.If you need support, you can call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 or chat online at 988lifeline.org. In Australia, contact Lifeline at 13 11 14. For other international helplines, visit befrienders.org.
Annalisa Barbieri offers advice on a personal problem from a reader each week. To seek her guidance, please email your question to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Please note that Annalisa cannot respond personally, and all submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
You can listen to the latest series of her podcast here. Comments on this article are pre-moderated to keep the conversation focused. There may be a brief delay before your comment appears on the site.
Frequently Asked Questions
FAQs My Friend Has Cancer and Is Talking About Ending Her Life
Understanding the Situation
Q What does it mean when my friend with cancer talks about ending her life
A It often means they are experiencing extreme emotional or physical distress and feel hopeless Its a serious sign they need immediate professional help and support not just a passing thought
Q Is it normal for someone with cancer to have these thoughts
A While feelings of sadness fear and anxiety are common active thoughts or talk of suicide are a mental health crisis Its a sign the person is suffering beyond what they can cope with alone
Your Role and Responsibility
Q Am I responsible for my friends safety if she tells me this
A You are not responsible for her actions but you have a moral and often legal duty to take her words seriously and get help You become a crucial link to lifesaving resources
Q Will telling someone break my friends trust
A It might feel that way but protecting her life is more important than confidentiality In a crisis trust is redefined by care and safety Most people in crisis later appreciate the intervention
Q What should I say to my friend directly when she talks like this
A Listen without judgment express care and ask directly Are you thinking about killing yourself Then dont leave her alone and help connect her to help
Involving Family
Q Should I tell her family
A Yes you should tell a trusted family member or her primary caregiver immediately They are likely best positioned to get her urgent medicalpsychological help Her safety is the absolute priority
Q What if my friend made me promise not to tell her family
A A promise of secrecy does not apply when someones life is at risk Explain to your friend that because you care deeply you must get her more support You can say I have to tell someone who can help keep you safe
Q How do I tell the family What do I say
A Contact them privately and soon Be direct and compassionate is really struggling and told me shes having thoughts of ending her life She needs professional
