For years, it’s been up to me and my sister to take our mother on holiday. Now she has a big birthday coming up and wants me to plan a trip abroad. I have three other siblings who have never taken her on holiday, so to push them into action, I spoke to one of my brothers. He couldn’t believe my mum’s request and told me I was a fool for going along with it.
I can’t decide if he’s being mean (our dad died a few years ago and she doesn’t have friends to travel with) or if I really am the fool in the family. I have young kids and a tight budget, but our holiday has to be planned around “Granny,” so it ends up being less adventurous and more expensive than the trips my siblings take with their kids.
A small part of me wonders if my mum is taking advantage of me being soft and doesn’t push my siblings because she knows I’ll give in.
On top of all this, there’s a big unfairness in the inheritance she’s leaving, with most of it going to my oldest brother. Mum has also helped raise his kids over the years, but she’s always refused to look after mine, even for one evening. I try to accept this because I don’t want to cause a rift in the family, and I know if I complain, my siblings and my mother will get angry. But I’m starting to think my brother is right: I am a fool, and I need to come up with an excuse to get out of this latest holiday demand.
I don’t think there’s anything foolish about being kind, but kindness needs boundaries. Clearly, those boundaries and a sense of fairness are missing in your family.
You’re right to be angry with your mother, who doesn’t seem to treat you all fairly. But your brothers and siblings would get most of my anger. Instead of being grateful for everything you do for the woman who is also their mother, and maybe even offering to help, they call you a “fool”? No way.
You say you don’t want a rift in the family, but there already is one, and you’re the bridge stopping it from getting wider. Before you break, it’s time to take a step back.
The key is to find the right balance that eases any guilt, addresses your sense of duty, but also considers what you want.
I spoke to UK Council for Psychotherapy-registered psychotherapist Prof Hannah Sherbersky. She noted society’s different expectations of daughters versus sons, then added: “But you do have a choice, and you’re deciding to be there for your mum, which is a wonderful thing. Your siblings are missing out on that connection, but you talk as if you’re being tricked. I wonder if you can embrace it… What if you’re not being fooled, but instead this is a generous act on your part, creating special memories for your mum?”
That said, for your own mental and physical health, you should set boundaries. If you could change one thing about this situation, what would it be? Is it the financial strain, the unfairness, or wanting more appreciation? How much of a “fool” did you feel before your brother said something?
There’s nothing wrong with standing up for what you need and letting others deal with the consequences, as long as you can handle them yourself. The key here is to find that sweet spot that eases guilt, addresses duty, but also respects what you want. So maybe you skip this year’s holiday, but plan the next one with a firm, “I can’t this year, but let’s look at 2027.”
If you can find that spot, you can reduce criticism (because it won’t bother you as much), and then you won’t need excuses because you’ll be taking the lead.Submissions must follow our terms and conditions. The newest season of Annalisa’s podcast is available here. Comments on this article are reviewed before they are posted to keep the discussion focused on the topics covered. Please note that there may be a short delay before your comment appears on the site.
Frequently Asked Questions
Here is a list of FAQs based on the common themes from Annalisa Barbieris advice columns about family caregiving power dynamics and guilt
General SelfDiagnosis
1 How do I know if Im being taken advantage of or if Im just helping out
A simple test If you feel resentful exhausted or that your needs never come first you are likely being taken advantage of Helping is a choice being taken advantage of feels like a trap
2 I feel guilty for even thinking my family is using me Is that normal
Yes its very common Guilt is often the tool that keeps you in the role of the good child Annalisa often points out that guilt is not a sign you are wrong its often a sign you are about to set a healthy boundary
3 What is the difference between duty and being a doormat
Duty is a reasonable shared responsibility Being a doormat means you are the only one making sacrifices while others make excuses If your duty is destroying your health or relationships it has become exploitation
Family Dynamics Communication
4 My siblings live far away and say they cant help What do I say to them
Ask them to contribute in nonphysical ways money for respite care managing the finances or booking appointments If they refuse everything they arent unable to helpthey are unwilling Annalisa often advises to stop accommodating their excuses
5 How do I bring this up without starting a huge family fight
Start with facts not feelings Say Mum needs X hours of care per week Currently I am doing all of them We need to create a rota or pool money for a carer I can no longer carry this alone Avoid blaming stick to logistics
6 What if my mum herself says Im the only one who does it right
This is a classic trap Being the favorite carer often means you are being manipulated into doing all the work Its not a complimentits a job offer with no pay Love doesnt require you to burn out
Practical Steps Boundaries
