Betsy, 55
“I used to kick guys out of bed after any sexual encounter. But with Felix, it was completely different from the start.”
Felix and I each have our own caregiving responsibilities. I look after my adult son, who has disabilities, and Felix is the full-time carer for his elderly mother. We live in different suburbs of the same city and see each other three fixed evenings a week. We often feel stressed and distracted, so we have a rule: for the first hour, we do a shared “trauma dump,” where we talk about the heavy feelings on our minds.
We have sex once a week because that’s the only time we’re alone at my place without the people we care for. Felix tends to initiate more than I do because, over the past year, menopause has really lowered my sex drive. I worry about him feeling rejected. His love language is touch, and I want to give him that—so I hold his balls as we fall asleep, which comforts him.
Our first sexual encounter was slow, intimate, and caring. He really broke down my walls.
When we met at a house party three years ago, we connected instantly. Felix is covered in tattoos, with lots of earrings and a mohawk. He gave me a gentle kiss on the cheek. After that, I went on a trip for 10 days and couldn’t stop thinking about that kiss. We texted the whole time and covered so much ground that by our first date, I felt like I already knew him really well. He confided in me that he was creating a sci-fi pornographic comic strip based on his own fantasies—set in a universe where women dominate men—and invited me into his sexual desires.
I used to be quite cynical about sex. It was just an itch I needed to scratch. Intimacy doesn’t come naturally to me. I hated sharing a bed and used to kick guys out after any sexual encounter. But with Felix, it was totally different from the start. Our first sexual encounter was slow, intimate, and caring. He really dissolved my boundaries. Unlike previous guys, I find him worth sharing a bed with, even if he disturbs my sleep. He’s always called me Lil Betzy—like I’m a rapper—which is hilarious, because I’m a middle-aged woman. I think of him as a gentle part of my life I can snuggle into.
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Felix, 58
“Betsy seemed genuinely interested in what excited me, so I felt safe to share it for the first time.”
I met Betsy at a party, and we talked all night about culture and philosophy. Although it was a meeting of minds, I do remember she had cute little red shoes on and was very busty—I wasn’t too high-minded to notice those things. We texted for a while because she went away, and I found myself opening up to her, sharing things I would never have told other people. For six years, I had been secretly creating a sexy comic strip based in a fantasy world where women dominate men.Betsy seemed genuinely interested in what excited me, so for the first time, I felt comfortable opening up about it.
Even if we don’t have sex, we’ve found that kissing, cuddling, or holding hands helps me feel less rejected by our mismatched sex drives.
We have sex once a week on a set day. I live with my aging mother, so when Betsy is here, we don’t have sex. We also skip it at her place when her son is around, which leaves just one day a week when I’m at Betsy’s and her son is with his dad. I think it’s best for us to be intimate when we’re completely alone, because it clears our minds and lets us focus on each other. In our sex life, we like to take turns being in control. I think that’s because in our daily lives, we’re always the ones who have to be responsible and make decisions.
Some of my favorite moments have been when we were messing around on the sofa and it turned into something more. Those moments are harder to come by now because of our caregiving duties, which is a bit sad. Another factor is that my sex drive is now higher than hers, since she’s going through menopause. I try to spend more time on slow foreplay to help her get in the mood. Even if we don’t have sex, we’ve found that kissing, cuddling, or holding hands helps me feel less rejected by our mismatched sex drives.
Betsy isn’t naturally a cuddly person. I know she used to kick other guys out of bed, so I feel pretty special that she lets me stay over. I see our time together as incredibly important and never long enough.
Names have been changed.
Frequently Asked Questions
Here is a list of FAQs based on the quote As carers we have to be responsible During sex we give up control to each other
Beginner Questions
1 What does giving up control actually mean during sex
It doesnt mean being weak or passive It means trusting your partner enough to let go of the need to manage the moment You allow yourself to be fully present vulnerable and reactive to what your partner is doing rather than overthinking or trying to direct every move
2 Im a natural carer in daily life Why is it hard to switch that off in the bedroom
Because caring is a habit If youre used to checking on others anticipating needs and making sure everything is okay your brain stays in work mode In the bedroom that habit can make you feel like youre performing a task rather than experiencing pleasure It takes practice to consciously say I am not responsible for my partners experience right now I am just here to feel
3 How is giving up control different from being submissive
Submission often involves a power dynamic or specific roles Giving up control in this context is about mutual surrender It means you both take turns letting the other lead the sensations but its an equal exchange You arent giving power to your partner you are giving up the burden of control together
4 Is it safe to give up control during sex
Yes as long as it is mutual and consensual The quote highlights responsibilitymeaning you both check in with each other True surrender isnt about losing your voice its about trusting that your partner has your best interests at heart and will stop if you need them to
5 What is the benefit of doing this
It creates a deeper emotional connection and makes sex more relaxing and pleasurable When you stop worrying about doing it right you can actually feel the physical sensations more intensely It also builds profound trust which strengthens your bond outside the bedroom
Advanced Practical Questions
6 Im always the one who initiates or takes care of my partners needs How do I start giving up control without feeling selfish
Reframe it
