Chloe’s Perspective
It feels thoughtless when Edwin treats me like a formality to be presented to his family. I need my own space sometimes.
My husband Edwin comes from a large, close-knit Colombian family, which is very different from my own upbringing, and it causes conflict between us. I grew up quite independently. I had one sibling, a brother, who died in a car accident when I was nine. My mum passed away a few years ago, and I was never very close to my father. As a result, I’m very self-reliant and value my personal space.
Dating Edwin was a challenge initially because he’s the complete opposite. He wants to be together constantly and for me to spend lots of time with his family. He’s affectionate and social, like a big Labrador. Edwin loves kids—he has five siblings and about twenty nieces and nephews. I like children too, but I also need quiet time. We’re in our early thirties and want a family someday, but not yet.
Recently, he was annoyed when I couldn’t go to his goddaughter’s seventh birthday party because I had long-standing plans for my best friend’s birthday. He asked, “But what will people think?” His main concern seemed to be about appearances with his family, not about us spending time together. I explained I had a prior commitment, but he couldn’t see my point of view and called me thoughtless. To me, it’s thoughtless to parade me in front of his family as a mere formality, especially when I don’t know his goddaughter well.
He was also upset with me at Christmas. We were with his entire family, kids were screaming, and after hours of board games, I had a headache and needed to lie down. He later said that was rude, but I felt it would have been ruder to stay with a scowl on my face.
Maybe Edwin struggles to understand my perspective because he only sees my father twice a year—our family dynamic is much less hands-on. We’ve been together for four and a half years and get along well, but he needs to accept that I can’t always be with his family.
Edwin’s Perspective
It hurts when Chloe refers to my family as “a lot.” Growing up surrounded by noise and constant activity, you forget not everyone experiences family the same way.
For me, family has always been the center of everything—not because it’s perfect, but because it’s a constant. You don’t retreat when things get difficult. I didn’t experience loss like Chloe did growing up, and we’ve discussed how that shapes our different outlooks. I admire her, but her hyper-independence was a barrier when we first started dating.
When I invite her to family events, it’s not about using her as a prop. It’s about inclusion—showing my relatives that she’s my person and we’re a unit. When she doesn’t come, I feel a bit silly and exposed. Everyone asks where she is because, in my family, there’s an expectation that partners attend events together. She doesn’t grasp that, and it’s hard.
My goddaughter’s party was a symbol of our togetherness, and I was embarrassed having to field questions about her absence. Chloe had a friend’s birthday, which wasn’t a major event, but I knew it was important to her, so I tried not to be upset.
I know her social battery drains quickly. At Christmas, when she left to lie down, I wasn’t angry, just embarrassed because I had to make excuses for her.When it comes to having children, I worry we might parent differently. She values her personal space, while I thrive in a community setting and love the idea of everyone coming over to help with a baby. I love her, but I also love the chaos of a big family.
I’m trying to adjust to her way of living, but we don’t spend time with her family—which isn’t anyone’s fault. Still, I need her to understand that when I invite her to my family events, it’s not about appearances, it’s about feeling like I belong.
The Guardian readers’ jury: Should Edwin put less pressure on Chloe?
I’m on Chloe’s side. Just as Edwin has his family, Chloe has her own friends and commitments. Everyone deserves rest, no matter the situation. Edwin’s expectations are unfair.
—Jessica, 21
Chloe understands their differences and tries to adjust. I find it troubling that Edwin called her break for a headache rude. His own words suggest this is more about his pride when he’s with family.
—Eleanor, 66
Edwin wants to include Chloe in family events out of love and cultural ties, but he treats her need for space as a problem to fix rather than respect. Without clear communication, this mismatch could lead to lasting resentment—especially if they start a family together.
—Chris, 37
Edwin and his family expect Chloe to be fully present at every gathering, leaving him no room to explain if she’s absent. He needs to tell his family that Chloe has a different style and won’t always be there.
—Simon, 45
Edwin should really listen to Chloe and stop feeling the need to “show” her off to his family. Families can mean well but still be overbearing. This tension could grow worse with a newborn, since a baby can leave new parents drained and overwhelmed.
—Avril, 71
Now you be the judge
In our online poll, tell us: Is Edwin expecting too much of Chloe?
The poll closes on Wednesday, February 4 at 9 a.m. GMT.
Last week’s results
We asked whether Randy should stop quoting song lyrics to his wife during serious conversations.
60% of you said yes—Randy is guilty.
40% of you said no—Randy is innocent.
Frequently Asked Questions
FAQs Balancing Family Gatherings Personal Time
Beginner Questions
What does You be the judge mean in this context
It means you are being asked to weigh the pros and cons of a common marital dilemma to decide whats fair and healthy for your relationship
Why might someone not want to attend every single family gathering
Reasons can include needing personal downtime conflicting commitments social anxiety feeling overwhelmed or simply wanting to balance time with other family or friends
Is it normal to feel this way
Yes its very common In a healthy marriage both partners are individuals with their own needs and its normal to need space or selective participation in extended family events
Whats the main issue here
The main issue is often about boundaries autonomy and mutual respect within a marriage not necessarily about the family itself
How do I start this conversation with my husband
Choose a calm private time Use I feel statements like I feel overwhelmed when our schedule is packed with events and express your desire to find a compromise
Intermediate Practical Questions
What are some fair compromises we could try
Attending major holidaysbirthdays together but opting out of smaller casual gatherings
Setting a time limit for how long you stay at events
Taking separate cars so you can leave early if needed
Agreeing that you each handle communication with your own families about attendance
My husband says it looks bad if Im not there How do I handle that
Acknowledge his concern but explain that a strong marriage is built on understanding not appearances Suggest you both present a united fronteg Weve decided Im taking a quiet night tonight
What if his family gets offended or pressures me
Your husband should be your primary buffer He can offer a simple neutral explanation to his family without overjustifying which protects you from direct pressure
How often is reasonable to skip events
Theres no universal number Reasonable is what you and your husband agree upon after an open discussion about your shared calendar energy levels and important vs optional events
Can this hurt our marriage
