Over two and a half years, Elizabeth sent £100,000 to “Sam,” a man she met online and believed loved her in return. She drained her savings, pawned her late mother’s jewelry, and took out bank loans. Her finances became so strained that she could barely afford food and survived mostly on soup.
She sent money for various reasons to a man she had never met. It started with a $500 Amazon voucher because Sam, who claimed to be a consultant on an oil rig, said he needed to buy a manual. Later, he asked for funds to replace a rig part and to address issues with an oil tanker. She also gave money to help Sam’s daughter, who was supposedly trapped in an abusive marriage. Finally, when Sam fell ill, Elizabeth was contacted by his doctor and began covering his medical bills. “When the doctor messaged to say Sam was in a coma, I remember thinking his wording was odd and unprofessional,” Elizabeth recalls. “He said, ‘I’m sorry to spill the beans.'” She laughs. “A doctor! How could I have been so naive?”
The scam only ended in August last year when Elizabeth’s adult sons intervened and opened her eyes. She was then overwhelmed by shock, shame, anger, fear, and a piercing sense of grief. “I was mourning a person who never existed,” she says.
She still feels these emotions, which is part of why she laughs now. (“If I didn’t laugh, I’d never stop crying. Then I’d be useless to everyone.”) She also laughs because, looking back, the stories she was told seem ridiculous. How could a sharp, funny, intelligent woman who had worked in the travel industry for years and spoke three languages have fallen for them?
Elizabeth, 67, asks herself this daily, but recent warnings from Lloyds show she is far from alone. In the past year, romance scams reported by the bank’s customers over 55 increased by 52%. Over £106 million was lost to romance fraud in the UK in the last financial year—and that only includes reported cases.
According to Dr. Elisabeth Carter, a criminologist and forensic linguist at Kingston University, London, questioning how someone could have “fallen for it” misunderstands the crime. “Even now, despite the numbers, warnings about romance fraud are along the lines of ‘don’t be fooled,'” she says. “We don’t tell people not to fall for a mugging or a sexual assault. It blames the victim for being negligent.”
In fact, Carter explains, romance fraud is more akin to grooming and abuse than to theft or burglary. “The methods used are closely aligned with those in coercive control and domestic abuse,” she says. “The victim’s reality becomes so distorted over weeks, months, or years that their decisions seem rational and reasonable. I’m often asked, ‘Who falls for this?’ The answer is: anyone who is human.”
Victim selection
“There’s no broad ‘vulnerable’ category, but there are situational vulnerabilities that anyone can experience, such as bereavement, job loss, or moving to a new area,” says Carter. These circumstances can make someone more stressed, distracted, and open to online connections.
In Elizabeth’s case, she had left an abusive partner after 37 years and had just moved into her own home with her youngest son in his twenties. She was in the early stages of recovery when she met “Sam.”
“I certainly wasn’t looking for anyone,” she says. “I was on a Facebook page about dogs when this person started chatting with me about the strangest thing. He said that rabbits were eating…”He was helping his daughter with her plants, so I sent him an Amazon link for a wire mesh. After I accepted his friend request, he later shared a photo of the mesh installed and thanked me.
Their connection felt immediate. Elizabeth says, “He understood my sense of humor. I’m quite sarcastic, and he’d play along. It felt like all my birthdays had come at once.” Sam claimed to be half-American, half-Norwegian, living in Texas. He frequently sent photos of himself—an attractive, bearded, gray-haired man—going to work, having dinner, and going about his life. “He sent poems and memes. He wanted to know everything about me, and I opened up completely. I had a lot to say about my ex, so he learned all about my vulnerabilities.” (A year later, when Sam said his daughter needed money to leave an abusive husband, Elizabeth naturally helped.)
The attention was overwhelming. “When I had dental work, he was messaging me in the waiting room, cheering me on. Someone was actually being kind to me—I’d never experienced that before. I was captivated.” Sam also seemed vulnerable. Elizabeth explains, “His wife had cheated on him and was now traveling the world with another man.” Trust was important to Sam; he asked if Elizabeth had ever been unfaithful and whether she would hurt him too.
Carter notes that this “trauma bombing” is crucial. “They gradually share things that make them appear very vulnerable after initially seeming strong,” she says. “It shifts the responsibility to the victim to protect the fraudster, distorting the power dynamic. Victims feel accountable for the fraudster’s emotions and are determined not to disappoint them, no matter the cost.”
Sam overshared extensively. “He detailed all his life plans, sent work contracts, and even shared documents when he took out a loan and remortgaged his house. When he went for a job interview in California, he shared his location so I could see where he was. When he didn’t get the job, I felt his disappointment deeply. He seemed like a hard-working, ambitious man pushed to his limits.” Elizabeth began to feel his financial stresses as her own. “I felt involved and responsible for his life.”
After six months of messaging and occasional brief calls, Sam wrote, “I feel like something big is happening here, but I don’t want to scare you?” Then he said, “I love you. Is that too much too soon?” Elizabeth recalls, “I was overjoyed. I’d never heard anyone say that and mean it.” Up to that point, there had been no requests for money.
“Whenever my phone pinged, I’d get excited like a puppy,” Elizabeth says. “Even at 2 a.m., we could text for hours. I had his notifications on all the time, so I never missed a message. If I woke up at dawn, I’d frantically check my phone.”
Carter explains, “It feels romantic, but sleep deprivation impairs your ability to think clearly and make sound decisions. Victims don’t complain because it seems like the person can’t get enough of you—but it leaves no space to reflect on what’s happening or talk to others.”
Sam infiltrated every part of Elizabeth’s life. He sent her music. “So many songs. The first was Sara Bareilles’ ‘I Choose You.’ I started listening to her albums on repeat.” She enjoyed online games like Word Chums, so Sam downloaded them and they played together. Food was another major topic. “He’d fuss about me eating, worried I wasn’t eating enough,” she says. “He’d tell me what to eat, send recipes, and pictures of his meals.”
Frequently Asked Questions
Of course Here is a list of FAQs about the book I revealed everything like a wideopen elevator The Seven Cunning Brutal Phases of a 100000 Romance Fraud designed to be clear and helpful
Beginner Definition Questions
1 What is this book about
Its a true story that details how the author was systematically manipulated and scammed out of 100000 by a person they met online breaking down the entire process into seven distinct phases
2 What is a romance fraud
A romance fraud is when a criminal creates a fake online identity to form a romantic relationship with someone with the sole purpose of gaining their trust to eventually steal their money
3 What does the title I revealed everything like a wideopen elevator mean
Its a metaphor for how the victim in the throes of a manipulative relationship unknowingly gave the scammer complete access to their personal life finances and emotionsjust like an elevator thats open on all sides
4 Who is this book for
Its for anyone who dates online has a family member who does or wants to understand the psychological tricks of modern scammers to protect themselves
The Seven Phases How It Works
5 What are the seven cunning brutal phases
While the book details them fully they generally follow this pattern 1 The Perfect Approach 2 Building the Illusion 3 Forging a Deep Connection 4 Introducing the Problem 5 The First Financial Test 6 The Crisis and Escalation and 7 The Disappearance
6 How do these scams start
They often begin on dating apps or social media The scammer appears to be a perfect charming match sharing common interests and future goals very quickly
7 Why dont victims realize its a scam sooner
The process is slow and highly manipulative The scammer builds genuinefeeling emotional intimacy and uses psychological tactics to create a us against the world bond making requests for money feel like helping a partner in need
8 Can you give an example of a common trick used in these phases
A classic one is the emergency After trust is built the scammer might have a sudden crisisa medical issue
