How can we come to terms with the fact that our intense feelings for someone are not returned, and how do we move on from that pain?
True love isn’t a transaction. If we only “love” with the expectation of being loved back, that isn’t love—it’s bargaining. Love is unconditional. I love you, and that is everything. You don’t need to do anything in return. You don’t even need to know.
In some ways, unrequited love is easier to handle than a love that is only partially returned. When someone makes it clear they’re not interested, it’s relatively straightforward to move on, especially if you avoid places you might see them. It’s much harder when there was a mutual spark that fades on their end after a short time.
As a teenager, I struggled with unrequited love. I was able to move forward by learning to love someone wisely who loved me back. Interestingly, once I did that, the people I had once longed for often came back into my life. By then, I could see them clearly and walk away.
As someone once said, “I love you. What has that to do with you?” Who I love is my own matter. No one else, not even the person I care for, is obligated to respond or even care. You can’t always get what you want—that’s a lesson we learn from childhood, whether it’s about a toy or something much larger.
Sometimes, an intense, unrequited attachment can be a response to past psychological trauma. It may take years of therapy and life experience to recognize the deeper patterns behind those feelings.
To get over it, I limit contact with the person and focus on my own life through hobbies, travel, or exercise. With time, the pain fades, and I often find I’ve grown as a person, which prepares me for someone who truly wants to be with me.
What can unrequited love teach us? That its very nature leaves an empty space where our minds paint idealized visions of what we desire. It’s a painful experience, but it can reveal what we project onto others and what we feel is missing in ourselves. Often, the person we idealize represents qualities we wish we had or believe would make us better.
Paradoxically, sometimes we fixate on an unattainable person to avoid real, messy relationships in the present. It can be a protective mechanism, but it’s ultimately unhelpful. It’s better to connect with someone you can actually build a life with, rather than dreaming of someone out of reach as a way to avoid intimacy.
I always ask: why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you? By definition, that relationship could never be good.
One avoidant coping strategy that has worked for me is this: if someone doesn’t love me, I stop loving them. It’s like flipping a switch. Very practical.
We love, and we often hope for love in return. But if we need love in return, then we’re missing the point.We do not love. AliceUnderground
From my perspective, Britain has an endless supply of Rodneys, but they always end up with a Del Boy. You can always wait for the next one—it’s basically an assembly line. Backsideflip
Remember, it’s just between you and them, not a universal rejection. Someone I had unrequited feelings for was completely focused on someone else. While painful, it helped to think of it as them pursuing that person rather than rejecting me. Taizy85
Hope isn’t helpful—the hope that somehow, someday, your love will be returned. You can’t try to be friends either, because despite yourself, you’ll probably still love them and look for signs they feel the same. Cut them out of your life with a kind goodbye, and accept that you will grieve the loss. Little by little, it will get better as you take determined, conscious steps to build a life without them. Include self-care and new activities. It’s a cliché, but be kind to yourself. Don’t look back! Seuteurs
Get a dog! Preferably a rescue. Cherish it, engage with it, share your life with it. In return, it will love you unconditionally. When the two of you go for walks, you’ll almost inevitably meet and talk with other dog owners. And perhaps, if your dog bonds with theirs, you may find yourself in a human relationship without even realizing it’s happening. XerxesCork
I’ve been trying for a few years to get over a friend I fell hard for. It went from a budding friendship to me realizing I was starting to have feelings, thinking it was mutual, confessing to her, and then being rejected in a very painful way.
I’ve discussed it many times with my therapist and talked it out with friends. A few things that stuck with me and really helped me make progress were: I deserve someone who is enthusiastic about me and chooses me, because that’s the only relationship worth having. You shouldn’t have to convince someone.
Another thing—I started thinking practically about what they’d actually be like as a partner. I realized they’d be terrible for me, at least. I loved them as a friend, but I knew in my gut they’d break my heart if we ever got together.
Sometimes you just fall for someone for a multitude of reasons that can’t be easily explained. There’s a certain grief in letting go of the idea of you two together, accepting the end of a fantasy you built in your head and the reality that it will never happen. Sara633
Unrequited love teaches us that love is an unnameable, uncontrollable, and fundamentally selfless force. When we love another, even when that person doesn’t love us back, it reveals our limitless capacity to love. Even when unrequited love is painful, it is a blessing that shows us the depths of our hearts. We can accept that love is unrequited by loving someone fully, in all their faults and foibles, and understanding that person just isn’t meant for us. Yale Coopersmith, New York, by email
As a queer person with an unlucky track record of falling in love with straight friends, I’ve had to face and overcome this feeling many times. What I’ve learned most over the years is that though you may not be able to be as close with that person as your heart desires, this situation can teach you about the qualities and characteristics you admire in someone. That can lead you toward more available people to date or to explore in yourself. Katy B, by email
You need to remember that there are other people out there who will recognize you and your immense worth, fully and completely. You deserve nothing less. Syndathim
Like drugs and alcohol, unrequited love can be addictive.Unrequited love can feel like an addiction. We fuel it by replaying imaginary conversations and overanalyzing every tiny interaction. Over time, it can take over our thoughts completely.
The key is to recognize this pattern and cut off the source, even though it will hurt. In time, you will find someone who returns your feelings. As Jenny Parry notes, it’s important to remember this feels like overwhelming love, but it isn’t the real thing.
If possible, create distance from this person. If they’re a colleague, consider changing jobs unless you truly love your work. Sometimes, this fixation is a sign of boredom, using a fantasy to escape an unfulfilling role. Block them on social media if you can.
If you can’t avoid them, throw yourself into new hobbies or social circles. The goal isn’t to find a new person to fixate on, but to build a life you enjoy, which will make the object of your affection matter less.
Be patient—this process takes a lot of time, sometimes years. Life can be unkind, but most people get through this and come out the other side.
Consider reading I Need Your Love – Is That True? by Byron Katie. One person shared that they held onto a deep, unrequited connection for a long time, using it as a benchmark for others. Letting go allowed them to find peace in the other person’s happiness, even from afar.
It’s crucial to understand that what feels like “overwhelming love” to you might feel like pressure or stalking to the other person. A charming demeanor can be mistaken for flirtation by someone who is lonely. Healthy love supports the other person’s dreams without a need for possession.
The best approach is often to rip off the bandage quickly. Go no contact until your feelings fade. Focus on socializing, exercise, and eating well.
As the lyrics suggest, claiming ownership (“mine”) can destroy love, and sometimes you simply can’t make someone love you. Give yourself time to grieve. Remember, their lack of interest doesn’t diminish your worth. If you can, create physical distance to help yourself move on.My love was never returned. We both lived full lives, and I believe she knew I loved her too. We remained friends while happily married to other people. She only held on to me at the very end because she knew I loved her and she was afraid of dying. She passed away too soon the next day, leaving behind many who loved and miss her.
If you can, step out of that person’s orbit—or at least spend more time with others. Focus on making other things and people more important in your life, rather than trying to forget or change your feelings.
I see love as a verb, something I keep trying to get better at. The phrase “turn that ship around” helped me; it’s a slow process, but the intention matters. Now that I’m older, I feel compassion for my younger self who lost the one everyone wanted.
I appreciate what Jillian Turecki said: “Rejection is redirection … toward growth.” First, identify the story you’re telling yourself about the rejection and rewrite it in a more positive way. Maybe that person wasn’t right for you? Then, take time to process your feelings. If you were in a relationship, reflect on what was good and bad, learn from it, and acknowledge the times you were a great partner.
Whether you were in a relationship or not, ask yourself what positive excitement that person brought into your life and how you can bring those elements in yourself.
Finally, have faith that something better is coming, even if it’s hard to believe right now. Repeat it like a mantra until it sinks in.
As I’m going through heartbreak, I find myself living more intensely than ever. Against the backdrop of absence and grief, life has taken on a strange new meaning.
Take off your armor, get off your high horse, and step out of the past.
I’m stuck in unrequited love. Look into “limerence.” The best approaches are no contact and finding purpose in life. Don’t settle for a one-sided relationship. “Learning to love yourself” is great advice.
Maybe it’s not love but attraction? Lust and attraction can come quickly and be hard to shake, while love takes time and grows as you get to know someone.
You don’t really get over unrequited love. Instead, you learn to live with the fact that you can’t have everything or everyone just because you want them. This is important for personal resilience and for living peacefully in a society where others can’t always get their way either. Time helps, sometimes.
I can think of several world leaders who act like big babies. One wonders if they’d have caused so much trouble if they’d learned to handle rejection and accept “no” when they were younger.
Unrequited love can also lead to controlling or abusive behavior, like thinking, “If I can’t have you, no one can.” Maybe be grateful you avoided that situation? Otherwise, take it as a lesson and try to find someone who sees you in a better light.
Zero expectations are key. Just love and let go.
Often, the person we desire is just a symbol of what’s missing in our own lives—whether it’s excitement, adventure, a more unconventional lifestyle, or the freedom to express ourselves.For instance, we could spend much more time with interesting people we choose ourselves. I first fell in love with a girl at school in 1966. I was hopeless at it, truly. That love remained unfulfilled and unreturned for 20 years. Now we’re both 74, and I haven’t seen her in two decades. I find myself thinking less about “what if?” and more about why we never tried. But I’m at peace now. It was what it was.
Remind yourself: sometimes they’re just not that into you.
To be fair, there can be existing relationships—like a friendship where one person feels romantic attraction, but the other sees it as purely platonic. Love doesn’t have to be mutual. You don’t stop loving someone just because age or health prevents them from loving you back.
You need to like yourself enough to move on. Ask friends for help. Don’t do what I did—I became so preoccupied that I messed up exams and almost entered a marriage that wasn’t right, mostly just to feel validated.
For the past 15 years, I’ve loved a series of men who didn’t feel the same. Each time, I had to work through the pain of rejection so it didn’t consume me. I’ve been in regular therapy for nearly a year, focusing on my self-esteem. Next time, I want to love someone who loves me back.
Frequently Asked Questions
FAQs Growing from Unrequited Love
BeginnerLevel Questions
What exactly is unrequited love
Unrequited love is when you have strong romantic feelings for someone who does not feel the same way about you The affection is onesided and not reciprocated
Is it normal to feel this way
Yes its very common Almost everyone experiences unrequited love at some point Its a painful but normal part of human relationships and emotional growth
How do I know if my love is truly unrequited
If the person has clearly stated theyre not interested consistently avoids romantic commitment or only engages with you platonically despite knowing your feelings its likely unrequited Trust their actions and words over your hopes
Why does it hurt so much
It hurts because it involves rejection loss of a hopedfor future and a blow to your selfesteem Your brain processes social rejection similarly to physical pain making the feeling intensely real
Whats the first thing I should do
Acknowledge your feelings without judgment Give yourself permission to grieve the loss of the possibility Its okay to be sad suppressing emotions often prolongs the pain
IntermediateLevel Questions
How can I stop obsessing over this person
Create healthy distance Mute or unfollow them on social media limit contact and redirect your mental energy When thoughts arise consciously shift your focus to a hobby goal or another activity
Can we still be friends
Its possible but not immediately You need time and space to let your romantic feelings fade first Attempting friendship too soon often leads to more pain and false hope Be honest with yourself about your motives
How do I rebuild my selfesteem after rejection
Focus on selfcompassion List your strengths and values unrelated to the relationship Engage in activities that make you feel competent and confident Treat yourself as kindly as you would a close friend in the same situation
What can I learn from this experience
Unrequited love can teach you about your own desires boundaries and resilience It can clarify what you truly want in a partner and highlight areas for personal growth like communication or emotional independence
Is there a risk of becoming bitter or closed off
Yes if you dont process the experience healthily To
