There were seven men in total, and it lasted nearly seven hours. According to the woman at the center of the Cornell University case that has gripped campuses worldwide, what followed was less a sexual encounter than a brutal pack-bonding exercise fueled by alcohol and ketamine, in which she was passed around like a blow-up doll. Twenty years old and drunk at a college fraternity party, she had reportedly agreed to a threesome with a student she liked, though her lawyer maintains she was too intoxicated to consent. But it is what allegedly came next—including a crude message sent to a group chat of more than 50 of the men’s friends, advertising “free pussy” upstairs if they wanted to join—that truly infuriates. Could so many men really see nothing wrong? One reportedly texted back “Shop still open?” in the early hours. By then, she felt there was “no way for her to escape” a room full of predatory men, according to the lawsuit filed by the alleged victim against both the students she accuses of pressuring her into drugs and raping her in autumn 2024, and Cornell University, which she argues failed to protect her. (All deny wrongdoing.) Though two of the seven were reportedly expelled after she went to campus police, none were arrested; five were free to continue their education after writing essays about what they’d done, serving short suspensions, and attending workshops. It was the alleged victim who lost her future, dropping out of university and struggling with her mental health to the point that her lawyer says she is “barely hanging on.” Her story, emerging just as this year’s freshers were settling into halls in Britain, has left young women understandably furious but also struck a deep nerve with older ones. All over social media, mothers are posting and swapping advice on how to raise sons who don’t just refrain from rape but who would, if they ever got such a message, realize something was wrong and be brave enough to intervene. Some of that advice is excellent, and I completely understand the urge to do something—anything—rather than let another generation of young women go through the same ordeal. Raising our own boys to do better feels like the one practical step any mother can take. Yet it makes me angry all the same; angry and exhausted. How has rape prevention become yet another item on mothers’ to-do lists? Where are all the men—the celebrity dads, the sports coaches and role models, the male politicians who are usually only too eager to talk about sexual assault if the perpetrators are immigrants—with ideas for countering the warped, pornified messages boys receive? I understand why good men might hesitate to speak over women. But this is a job for all parents, not just half of them. The University of Bath this week announced an investigation into claims that members of a student sports club had supposedly been overheard talking about spiking freshers’ drinks. Even if it was just a tasteless joke, it’s not funny: the Office for Students found that one in seven British students finishing university reported suffering sexual violence, with men as well as women becoming victims. Though freshers at many universities are now routinely made to sit through mandatory lessons on sexual consent and healthy relationships, those can’t undo in an hour everything they’ve absorbed over the previous 18 years, including sometimes in their own homes. It’s hard to talk about this without alienating what is still a majority of teenage boys who don’t want to hurt anyone, feel vulnerable themselves at times, and need help resisting aggressive peer pressure. That’s precisely why they need to hear about consent from grown men who understand exactly what it was like to be 14, horny, and confused. Yet in too many homes it’s mothers who end up shouldering the burden of conversations about consent, perhaps in part because they start not with an awkWe usually think of this talk as something to have right before dropping a child off at university, but it actually starts way back in the nursery years. Obviously, you don’t talk to a three-year-old about sex. But you can teach them to respect other people’s feelings, to stop playing if someone clearly isn’t enjoying it, and not to take what they want by force. Consent, above all, is a social skill.
If fathers don’t know how to bring up these subjects, well, mothers are just as embarrassed, but we muddle through because we don’t want our sons to be a danger to other people’s daughters or to themselves. What male role models do may matter most of all. Boys learn by watching how the men they look up to treat their partners, female colleagues, and women on the street. They notice how you react to sexual assault allegations against a favourite celebrity, or indeed a wannabe president. As always with parenting, sometimes you try your best and it isn’t enough. But that doesn’t make trying optional.
I suspect there are more than enough men out there eager to do the right thing, even if some aren’t sure what that is. At the Labour party conference in Liverpool this week, a fringe meeting hosted by More in Common, aimed at building bridges between women and men on tackling male violence, was so packed that a crowd of both men and women stood outside the door, straining to hear the speakers from a noisy corridor.
There’s something uplifting, too, about the social media campaign launched this autumn by the gen-Z anti-rape movement Enough, which has enlisted male student rugby players to spread the message on campus that this isn’t just a women’s issue. Though Enough has been criticised in the past by survivor organisations for promoting self-swab kits for rape victims, it’s right that boys’ culture is formed among their peers.
Across the Atlantic, it is now for the courts to decide whether what happened at Cornell meets New York’s threshold for prosecution, with the local district attorney – who decided in 2024 not to press charges – reopening an investigation into what he now calls allegations of “heinous and despicable acts”. But it’s already clear that lives were ruined that night; that it was a tragedy, and a preventable one. Precisely the kind, in other words, that parenting exists to stop.
Gaby Hinsliff is a Guardian columnist
In the UK, the Rape Crisis national freephone helpline is on 0808 802 9999 (12-2.30pm and 7-9.30pm every day of the year). Rape Crisis also operate a live chat helpline, open Monday: 2pm-4.30pm, 6pm-9pm; Tuesday: 2-4.30pm, 6pm-9pm; Wednesday: 12pm-2.30pm, 6pm-9pm; Thursday: 12pm-2.30pm, 6pm-9pm; Friday: 9am-11.30am, 2pm-4.30pm. In the UK and Ireland, Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123 and also by email in Ireland jo@samaritans.ie. You can contact the mental health charity Mind by calling 0300 123 3393 or visiting mind.org.uk. The 24-hour freephone National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge, is on 0808 2000 247. In the US, Rainn offers support on 800-656-4673. In Australia, support is available at 1800Respect (1800 737 732). Other international helplines can be found at ibiblio.org/rcip/internl.html
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Frequently Asked Questions
Here is a list of FAQs based on Gaby Hinsliffs article regarding rape allegations at Cornell University and the talk to your sons discourse
1 What happened at Cornell University that sparked this discussion
A female student reported that she was sexually assaulted by a male student The case gained attention because the accused man was a wellknown campus activist for womens rights leading to widespread debate about performative allyship versus actual behavior
2 What does the phrase talk to your sons mean in this context
It refers to the common advice given to parents to educate their boys about consent and respect to prevent sexual violence The phrase implies that the responsibility for stopping rape lies with how we raise men
3 Why are women being told to talk to their sons instead of men
This is the central criticism of the article Society often places the burden of fixing social problems on women even when the problem is caused by male behavior It suggests that women are responsible for policing men rather than men holding themselves and each other accountable
4 Why not just talk to men directly
The article argues that men are often absent from these conversations By focusing on sons society implies that the behavior is only a problem for the next generation to fix absolving adult men of the responsibility to change their behavior or call out their peers right now
5 What is performative allyship
This is when someone publicly supports a cause to gain social approval or status but does not actually act on those beliefs in their private life The Cornell case is often cited as an example of this disconnect
6 Does this mean mothers are to blame for rape
No The article argues the opposite it is unfair to blame mothers Blaming women for the actions of men is a form of victimblaming The responsibility for sexual violence lies solely with the perpetrator
7 Why is it a problem to focus only on raising good sons
Focusing only on the next generation ignores the current reality It suggests that men currently in power or men currently committing these acts dont need to change It also puts the emotional labor of educating men onto women
8 What is the missing stair theory mentioned in similar discussions
This is a concept where a community knows a specific person is dangerous a
