I consider myself very fortunate, with so much in my life to be happy and grateful for. While I have many wonderful friendships, I’ve had few romantic relationships. Now at 36, after a decade of actively trying to date, I’ve made the positive decision to become a single mother by choice, and I’m excited about this journey.
During a pre-screening counseling session, the psychologist mentioned that many women in my situation grieve not having the family they envisioned. Although I was aware of this and have worked on self-acceptance with my therapist, I now feel a deep sadness and regret that I haven’t found a partner who wanted to have children with me. This sets me apart from most women my age in my social circles, and I sometimes envy the companionship and support my peers receive from their partners.
Recently, a colleague shared her pregnancy news. While I was happy for her, I spent the rest of the day wanting to cry, feeling completely alone. I’ve worked hard to overcome feelings of being unlovable, but this seems more challenging. I still plan to move forward with becoming a mother and want guidance on living with these emotions while ensuring I can be a psychologically healthy parent to my future child.
The psychotherapist Julia Bueno noted that this might be a reactivation of core feelings of being “unlovable,” often stemming from childhood experiences that resurface when considering parenthood. She referenced psychologist Janet Jaffe’s work on reproductive stories—how we all grow up with ideas about our future families, and when those plans don’t unfold as expected, it can feel like a loss.
Bueno emphasized that your psychologist was wise to address these feelings of loss, as they’re common among solo mothers-to-be but sometimes suppressed in an effort to stay positive. While gratitude is beneficial, it’s okay to acknowledge difficult emotions alongside it.
Your reaction to your colleague’s news suggests there are significant, perhaps repressed, feelings—like wondering “why them and not me?”—which are completely valid. Sharing these honest emotions with someone you trust can be incredibly freeing and alleviate the isolation that trauma can bring.
Bueno recommended writing a compassionate letter to yourself, acknowledging your grief and losses while highlighting your strengths and the potential for happiness in a different family structure. She also suggested seeking support from other solo mothers to find strength and connection.For support and understanding, your clinic can often connect you with relevant groups. You can also visit gingerbread.org.uk and the Donor Conception Network. Additionally, Susan Golombok’s book, “We Are Family,” comes highly recommended.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri responds to a reader’s personal dilemma. If you’d like her advice, email your question to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Please note that Annalisa cannot reply to messages personally. All submissions must adhere to our terms and conditions.
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Frequently Asked Questions
Of course Here is a list of FAQs based on your query with answers from the perspective of an advice columnist like Annalisa Barbieri
FAQs for Considering Single Motherhood
BeginnerLevel Questions
1 Is it normal to feel envious of my friends with partners while I consider this path
Absolutely Its a very human and normal emotion Youre looking at their shared load and support system which is a real benefit Acknowledging this envy without judgment is the first step to managing it
2 What are the biggest advantages of becoming a single mother by choice
You have the freedom to make all parenting decisions according to your own values Theres no compromising on your childrearing philosophy and the bond you build with your child can be incredibly strong and unique
3 What are the main challenges I should prepare for
The practical challenges are significant financial pressure sole responsibility for all decisions and potential burnout from a lack of breaks Emotionally it can feel lonely at times and the workload is constant
4 How can I build a support system if I dont have a partner
Start building your village now This includes family close friends other single parents and paid help like babysitters Be specific in your asks for help whether its a meal train or someone to watch the baby for an hour
5 Do I need to be financially rich to do this
You dont need to be rich but you do need a stable and realistic financial plan Budget for a loss of income during maternity leave ongoing childcare costs health insurance and an emergency fund Financial stability is crucial
Advanced Practical Questions
6 How do I handle the loneliness that might come with single parenting
Proactively schedule adult time Join parenting groups maintain your hobbies and dont isolate yourself Remember that loneliness can also occur within a partnership what youre building is a different but fulfilling family structure
7 Whats the best way to deal with judgment or questions from others
Have a simple rehearsed response ready like This is the right path for me to build my family You dont owe anyone a lengthy explanation Surround yourself with people who support your decision and their opinions will matter more than those of critics
