Yamma ta yi, kuma Lucy ta aika sako ga budurwar mijinta. A cikin falo, ana kunna zane-zane, kuma tana goge ɗigon jam daga kan counter ba tare da ta yi tunani sosai ba.
Bayan 'yan mintoci kaɗan, wayar Lucy ta yi ƙara da imel daga makaranta game da taron iyaye da malamai a ranar Alhamis da yamma. Ta kan je waɗannan abubuwa ita kaɗai, amma wannan lokacin ta dakata. Tana son mijinta, Oliver, ya zo.
Lokacin da ta duba kalandar Google ɗin su ta gama, ta ga ranar Alhamis an riga an ɗauke ta. Oliver yana da kwanan wata da Cecilia.
Lucy ta buɗe WhatsApp. Ba ta aika wa mijinta sako ba. Ta aika wa Cecilia sako. Cecilia ta amsa da sauri—suna iya samun wani dare. Bayan 'yan mintoci kaɗan, kalandar da aka yi wa launi ta ɗaukaka.
Daga baya, Cecilia ta bayyana shi a sauƙaƙe: "Bangaren tsari yana da alaƙa da jinsi sosai."
A cikin tattaunawar rukuni tsakanin ma'auratan biyu, ta ce, saƙonnin yawanci suna zuwa daga ita da Lucy—tsarawa, daidaitawa, tabbatarwa. Maza, kamar yadda ta lura, ba safai suke fara waɗannan tattaunawar ba.
Lokacin da aka tambayi Oliver game da wannan, ya faɗi shi a sarari.
"Zan fara yarda cewa abokina na ɗaukar nauyin aikin gida da bai dace ba," ya yi tunani. "Wato ... maza suna zama marasa kyau," ya faɗi a sauƙaƙe.
Oliver, mai shekaru 38, da Lucy, mai shekaru 40, suna zaune a London tare da 'ya'yansu biyu. A cikin 'yan shekarun da suka gabata, Oliver yana cikin dangantaka mai sadaukarwa ba kawai da matarsa, Lucy ba, har ma da wata mata mai aure, Cecilia—wanda mijinta, James, yana saduwa da Lucy a madadin.
Kamar yawancin ma'auratan da ke bincika rashin aure na yarda—wani babban lokaci don tsarin dangantaka da ke wuce keɓantawar jima'i—da farko sun ga kansu a matsayin masu buɗaɗɗen aure. Hakan yana nufin barin saduwa ta jiki da dangantaka ta yau da kullun a wajen aure, amma har yanzu suna kiyaye kusancin zuciya da soyayya a tsakanin su biyun.
A tsawon lokaci, duk da haka, iyakokin sun canza. Abin da ya fara a matsayin buɗaɗɗe ya zama wani abu mafi kusa da polyamory: ba kawai yin jima'i da mutane da yawa ba, amma kiyaye dangantaka mai ƙauna da yawa a lokaci guda.
Irin waɗannan dangantaka ba su da wuya kamar yadda za su iya zama. Bincike na baya-bayan nan ya nuna cewa aƙalla kashi 5% na Amurkawa yanzu suna cikin dangantaka ta rashin aure na yarda, kuma kusan ɗaya cikin biyar sun gwada shi a wani lokaci. Duk da haka, rubutun al'ada ya kasance mai kunkuntar sosai.
Ana yawan ganin buɗaɗɗen aure a matsayin abin da maza ke so—wanda sha'awar maza ke tafiyar da shi, an tsara shi don 'yancin maza, kuma mata suna jurewa da rashin so. Amma wannan ba duka labarin ba ne. Mata ma suna son wannan, kuma dalilansu ba safai suke da sauƙi ba. Suna da siffa ta gajiya, son sani, da sha'awar 'yancin kai, kamar yadda rashin gamsuwa yake.
A aikace, canjin zuwa rashin aure—kuma wani lokacin zuwa polyamory—na iya zama abin damuwa ga maza kuma, a wasu lokuta, 'yanci ga mata, kodayake gaskiyar motsin rai da aiki ba safai suke da wannan bayyananniyar ba.
Lucy ta kasance tana sha'awar rashin aure tun lokacin da ta iya tunawa.
"Tunanina ne," ta ce game da buɗe auren. "Gaskiya abu ne da na taɓa so tun ina shekara 18."
"Saboda muna da wannan tushe na soyayya a tsakaninmu, muna iya fita mu fuskanci waɗannan abubuwa daga wurin aminci," Oliver ya ce.
Bayan 'yan shekaru suna zaune a California, Lucy ta fara ganin rashin aure a matsayin "al'ada" da yawa. Ƙungiyar zamantakewarsu ta kasance wani ɓangare na babbar al'umma da ke tambayar rubutun dangantaka na gargajiya—buɗaɗɗen dangantaka, polyamory, layukan da ba su da tabbas tsakanin abota da soyayya, da kuma ruhin gwaji gabaɗaya a wurare kamar Burning Man. A lokacin da ita da Oliver suka yanke shawarar buɗe dangantakarsu, yawancin abokansu sun riga sun yi hakan. "Yana cikin ruwan rukunin abokanmu," ta ce.
Oliver ya yi tsayayya da ra'ayin cewa rashin aure wani yunƙuri ne na ƙarshe don ceton wani abu da ya lalace, ko kuma "Don haka kana riƙe da abubuwa biyu a lokaci guda," in ji ta.
Abin da take bayyanawa ba kawai tausayi ba ne—yana da wani nau'i na sake rarrabawa. Rashin daidaiton da ya fara a kasuwar saduwa ba ya tsayawa a waje. Yana zama na motsin rai. Maza waɗanda ke da ƙananan zaɓuɓɓuka galibi ana sa ran su magance wannan tazarar: su sarrafa kishi, su kasance a buɗe, kuma su yi duk wannan yayin da suke samun ƙarancin tabbaci na waje wanda zai iya sa waɗannan buƙatun su zama masu jurewa.
**Ma'auratan da suka gwada polyamory – sannan suka canza ra'ayinsu: 'Ban taɓa tsammanin mijina zai ƙauna ba'**
**Kara karantawa**
Ga James da Lucy, wannan ya zo a wani lokacin da ba su shirya ba.
Yamma ta yi, kuma su huɗun suna zaune tare a falo. Yaran sun fita tare da masu kula da yara. Da farko, ya ji kamar wani bincike ne kawai—har sai Oliver da Cecilia suka gaya mata da James cewa suna soyayya.
"Wannan bai kasance a cikin yarjejeniyoyin ba. Amma ba za ka iya sarrafa ji da gaske ba," in ji Lucy lokacin da aka tambaye ta game da wannan lokacin.
Yarjejeniyoyin, kamar yadda ta bayyana su, ba a taɓa nufin su rufe komai ba. Maimakon ƙa'idodi masu tsauri, Lucy ta ce suna ƙoƙarin yin aiki daga wurin aminci. Ba ta da sha'awar zana layukan tsauri game da abin da aka yarda. Tana son kare mutuncin dangantakar.
A cikin wannan tsari, soyayya ba a hana ta a fili ba. Ba a yi la'akari da ita ba. Kuma da zarar ta faru, komai ya canza. Abin da ya ji a buɗe kuma mai yawa ya fara ji, a cikin kalmominta, kamar "daji, daji na yamma."
Amma ba haka Oliver ke bayyana yanayin a mafi kyawunsa ba. Ya yi magana game da wani abu da ake yawan gani a matsayin ginshiƙin polyamory: compersion—ikon jin daɗi da gaske don haɗin abokin tarayya da wani.
"Na yi imani compersion yana yiwuwa saboda na fuskanci shi," ya ce. "Jin farin ciki cewa abokin tarayya yana samun wannan haɗin da wani, kuma godiya cewa suna tallafa maka don samun ɗaya."
Amma wannan sigar tsarin—mai faɗi, na juna, wanda ya dogara da godiya—ya dogara da iya kasancewa a cikin wannan tunanin ko da lokacin da abubuwa suka canza. Don ɗaukar lokutan kishi ba tare da barin su su taurare ba.
Bincike ya nuna cewa yayin da mutane a cikin dangantaka marasa aure sukan ba da rahoton ƙananan kishi na jima'i, suna fuskantar manyan buƙatu game da sarrafa motsin rai.
"Rashin aure wata dama ce ta wargaza abin da ka sani," in ji Lucy.
A tsawon lokaci, aikin ya zama ƙasa da amsawa kuma ƙari game da tsammani. Rashin aure yana nufin bin diddigin ba kawai dangantaka ɗaya ba, amma da yawa—da yadda suke haɗuwa.
Thouin ya bayyana wannan a matsayin ƙalubalen sake gina tsarin dangantakar. Lokacin da aka cire keɓantawa, ma'aurata dole ne su "sake ƙirƙira abin da aminci yake kama." Abin da ya fito ba maye gurbin ba ne, amma ƙari. Rashin daidaiton asali a cikin dangantakar maza da mata ya rage: kula da yara, aikin gida, kula da motsin rai—tare da wasu matakan da aka ƙara a saman: ƙarin mutane, ƙarin dabaru, ƙarin ji don sarrafawa.
Abin da ke biyo baya ba kawai faɗaɗa 'yanci ba ne, amma sake rarraba wahala: buƙatun buɗaɗɗen motsin rai, juriya, da sarrafa dangantaka sun faɗi ba daidai ba, kamar yadda ladan kasuwar saduwa yake.
A cikin matan da na yi magana da su, batun ba shine cewa buɗaɗɗen aure yana ba da tserewa daga waɗannan rikice-rikice ba. Yana kawo su kusa da saman.
Lokacin da aka tambayi ta ta taƙaita buɗaɗɗen aurenta a cikin jimla ɗaya, Lucy ta dakata.
"Wata dama ce ta wargaza abin da ka sani," ta ce, "a matsayin dama don haɗin kai marar iyaka."
Wannan haɗin, duk da haka, ba ya faruwa ta atomatik. Dole ne a tsara shi, a yi shawarwari, a faɗi shi da ƙarfi, kuma a ɗauke shi—sau da yawa ta matan da suka fara yin 'yancin kai mai yiwuwa.
Don haka tambayar ba ita ce ko buɗaɗɗen aure yana aiki ba, amma abin da yake bayyanawa—kuma, da zarar an bayyana, abin da mata suka rage don riƙewa.
An canza sunayen mutanen da aka yi hira da su don wannan labarin don kare sirrinsu.
Tambayoyin da Aka Yi Yawa
Anan akwai jerin tambayoyin da aka yi yawa dangane da jigon mata da ke zaɓar rashin aure don zurfafa haɗi da aka rubuta cikin yanayi na halitta tare da amsoshi bayyanannu
Tambayoyin Matakin Farko
1 Menene ainihin rashin aure
Wani babban lokaci ne na kowane salon dangantaka inda mutane ke da fiye da ɗaya abokin soyayya ko jima'i tare da cikakken sani da yardar kowa Ya bambanta da yaudara
2 Shin rashin aure game da yin jima'i ne kawai
Ba lallai ba ne Ga mata da yawa, 'yanci ne don ƙirƙirar nau'ikan haɗin zuciya mai zurfi Ba shi da yawa game da yawa kuma ƙari game da ingancin kowane haɗi na musamman
3 Yaya rashin aure ya bambanta da buɗaɗɗen dangantaka
Buɗaɗɗen dangantaka nau'i ne ɗaya na rashin aure, yawanci yana mai da hankali kan jima'i na yau da kullun a wajen dangantaka ta farko Rashin aure na iya haɗawa da polyamory ko rashin tsarin dangantaka
4 Me yasa mace za ta zaɓi wannan idan tana cikin dangantaka mai farin ciki
Mata da yawa suna ganin yana ba su damar bincika sassa daban-daban na kansu Suna gaskanta mutum ɗaya ba zai iya biyan duk buƙatunsu ba kuma cewa ƙaunar fiye da mutum ɗaya ba ya cire daga abokin tarayya na farko—yana iya zurfafa wayewar kansu da gaskiyarsu
5 Shin wannan ba yana nufin dangantakar tana kasawa ba
Ga mutane da yawa akasin haka ne Zaɓin yawanci yana zuwa daga wurin aminci ba rikici ba Yana buƙatar matakan amana da sadarwa masu girma waɗanda zasu iya ƙarfafa tushe mai ƙarfi
Tambayoyi Masu Ci Gaba da Aiki
6 Yaya ake guje wa kishi
Ba ka guje shi ba—ka yi aiki da shi Kishi sigina ce, ba alamar tsayawa ba Yawanci yana nuna rashin tsaro ko buƙata Rashin aure yana tilasta maka ka sanya sunan wannan ji kuma ka yi magana game da shi, wanda zai iya kaiwa ga zurfafa haɗi da abokin tarayya
7 Menene babban ƙalubale ga mata a wannan salon rayuwa
Kyamar al'umma tana da girma Mata sukan fuskanci hukunci don zama masu lalata ko rashin gaske yayin da maza a cikin yanayi ɗaya za a iya yabon su Neman al'umma mai tallafi da kuma kawar da kunya na ciki gwagwarmaya ce ta gaske
8 Yaya ake samun abokan hulɗa waɗanda suka yarda da wannan
Gaskiya ita ce mabuɗin Kana bayyana tsarin dangantakarka da wuri
