Are you truly sorry, or deeply remorseful? Do you see your actions as wrong, or do you recognize them as completely unacceptable? If this sounds exaggerated, it’s because the words we choose when apologizing really do matter. That’s the finding of a recent study on how sincere apologies are perceived, which showed that people tend to view an apology as more meaningful when the person uses longer words.
Researchers concluded this is because longer words suggest the person is putting in extra effort—even if that effort only involves choosing a slightly fancier term.
But whether the language is elaborate or not, saying sorry is still difficult for a reason, according to Dr. Tara Quinn-Cirillo, a registered psychologist and associate fellow of the British Psychological Society. “Even when we know what we did or said was wrong, apologizing is hard because it means admitting vulnerability, and we’re not good at being vulnerable. Historically, showing weakness didn’t keep us safe, so we tend to stay guarded.”
So how do you apologize effectively? There are plenty of examples that show what works and what doesn’t.
The Over-Scripted Apology
When actors Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis wrote letters asking for a lighter sentence for their former co-star Danny Masterson, who was convicted of rape, it backfired. Their follow-up video apology, where they took turns reading carefully worded lines, only made things worse. Kutcher began, “We are aware of the pain that has been caused…” and Kunis continued, “We support victims…” Many felt their apology didn’t seem genuine.
The Over-the-Top Apology
While people in the past might have gone to extreme lengths to atone for their sins, former Labour Treasury chief secretary Liam Byrne settled for writing a column in the Guardian. In it, he apologized profusely for leaving a joking note for his successor in 2010 that said, “I’m sorry there is no money left.” He called his actions “stupid,” “crass,” and “bloody offensive,” and wrote that he “burned with shame” every day after the note was used by then-Prime Minister David Cameron to blame Labour for austerity measures. (Some readers were more forgiving, with one commenting, “Dude, don’t beat yourself up. It made no real difference.”)
The Nobody’s-Buying-It Apology
As Quinn-Cirillo points out, “Some people say ‘sorry’ over and over just to get out of trouble, but it’s insincere and they never change their behavior. I’m sure you can think of people like that.” A prime example is Boris Johnson, who repeatedly apologized for his conduct during Covid lockdowns but never sounded convincing. Unsurprisingly, he later retracted those apologies in his memoir, calling them “pathetic” and a “mistake.” According to Quinn-Cirillo, a real apology requires three things: insight, reflection, and a change in behavior—which, in this case, were clearly missing.
The Sorry-Not-Sorry Apology
Just because the word “sorry” is used doesn’t mean the apology is sincere. Take Harvey Weinstein’s statement after sexual assault accusations were published in the New York Times: “I appreciate the way I’ve behaved with colleagues in the past has caused a lot of pain, and I sincerely apologize for it.” He then justified his behavior by saying he came of age in the 1960s and 70s when “all the rules about behavior and workplaces were different.” Meanwhile, his attorney announced plans to sue over what he called false and defamatory statements. Weinstein has since been convicted.Convicted of rape and sexual assault in both California and New York, he may still face additional legal proceedings.
Better Late Than Never Apologies
Should Florence have exiled Dante in 1302 for his political beliefs, forcing him to spend his final 19 years in banishment? It took the city 706 years to decide, in 2008, that they might have been wrong. Is it better to apologize late than never? Perhaps, though Dante’s descendant, Count Pieralvise Serego Alighieri, refused to attend the “apology ceremony,” calling it insincere and not a genuine collective apology. A publicity stunt, perhaps?
At least they made an effort. When the Catholic Church finally admitted in 1996 that Galileo was correct about the Earth orbiting the sun, there was no real remorse—just a reluctant acknowledgment that the church’s “regrettable misunderstanding is now behind us.”
Galileo was forced to renounce his views under threat of torture, but he still hasn’t received an apology. Too bad.
Frequently Asked Questions
Of course Here is a list of helpful FAQs about the power of a sincere apology
General Beginner Questions
Q What makes an apology sincere
A A sincere apology shows you truly understand how your actions hurt someone you take full responsibility without excuses and you genuinely want to make things right
Q Why is just saying Im sorry often not enough
A A simple sorry can feel dismissive A meaningful apology explains what youre sorry for and acknowledges the specific impact of your actions on the other person
Q What are the key parts of a good apology
A A strong apology includes 1 A clear Im sorry statement 2 Naming what you did wrong 3 Acknowledging the hurt it caused 4 Taking responsibility and 5 A plan to make it right or not do it again
Q Whats the benefit of giving a good apology
A A genuine apology can repair trust heal emotional wounds resolve conflict and often strengthen a relationship more than it was before the mistake happened
Common Problems Pitfalls
Q Whats the biggest mistake people make when apologizing
A Using the word but This immediately shifts blame and invalidates the entire apology making it about you not them
Q Should I apologize if the other person is also partly to blame
A Yes but only for your part A good apology focuses solely on your actions and their impact You can say I am sorry for my role in this without getting into what they did wrong
Q What if the person doesnt accept my apology
A You cant control their reaction The goal of an apology is to express your remorse sincerely not to force forgiveness Respect their feelings and give them space
Q Is an apology over text or email okay
A For minor issues it can be fine For serious matters a facetoface conversation or phone call is always better It shows more effort and allows for a real human connection
Advanced Practical Application
Q How can my body language affect my apology
A Greatly Maintain eye contact have
