“I can’t explain it. He’s a sweetheart—a beautiful boy inside and out, and so brilliant.” That’s how a session began years ago with N, a longtime patient of mine. Her son, A, was a young teenager. Despite coming from a warm, loving family with attentive parents, he had started having social difficulties.
He wasn’t being bullied or left out at school. He wasn’t depressed, moody, or anxious. In fact, he was popular, well-liked, and constantly invited to parties, basketball games, and group hangouts. The problem was, he turned all these invitations down, and N couldn’t understand why.
Three weeks later, I sat with A in my office. I asked him to describe what it was like for him to attend parties and other social events. “I just feel weird,” he said, “like I’m not part of it, which is odd because these are all my friends. I know they like me and are happy I’m there, but I still don’t feel connected. I only feel lonely or bored when I’m with many people, not when I’m with one or two close friends or when I’m alone.” Then he added, “I don’t like to say those things because it makes me sound like an alien. Do you think there’s something wrong with me?”
I didn’t. In my 40-plus years as a practicing physician and psychiatrist, I’ve worked with world leaders, performing artists, and top professionals. It often turns out that they’ve gone through life feeling just as A described.
These are people who always prefer one-on-one dinners with a friend over dinner parties. At large gatherings, they’re the ones standing off to the side, deep in conversation with one person, rather than “working the room.” They’d rather work on assignments alone than in a group, they dislike team sports, and they find shared traditions—like office parties, graduation ceremonies, even religious holidays—difficult and even baffling. They are soloists who can’t play in an orchestra. And I count myself among them.
At school, teachers are trained to notice students who seem “socially maladjusted.” But the vast majority of these people have no psychiatric diagnosis. They aren’t socially maladjusted or even socially anxious. After many years of observing and researching these traits, I’ve come to understand that they stem from a characteristic found in people of every ethnicity, culture, and gender: a lack of communal impulse—in other words, non-belonging.
As I began writing about my findings, I searched for a word to describe this deeply misunderstood personality type. Most people are familiar with Carl Jung’s concepts of extrovert (“one who faces outward”) and introvert (“one who faces inward”). But the fundamental orientation of a non-belonger is defined by the fact that they rarely face the same direction as everyone else. That’s how I came up with the term “otrovert” (in Spanish, “otro” means “other”).
Many otroverts have gone through life assuming their lack of interest in parties and similar activities means they’re introverts. But otroverts differ from introverts in key ways: while introverts tend to be quiet and reserved, otroverts, like my patient A, can be quite gregarious and outgoing. An introvert wouldn’t typically be the first to speak up assertively in a work meeting, but otroverts have no trouble standing up and confidently stating their views. Unlike introverts, who might feel drained after hours talking quietly with a close friend, otroverts tend to gain energy from these deep conversations. Otroverts enjoy solitude just like introverts, but not out of a need to detach or recharge; rather, to avoid the lo…Many people feel lonely and disconnected even when they’re surrounded by others. For parents, children like A can be a source of confusion and worry. Since most parents have been raised to believe that fitting into groups is essential for a successful life, they often encourage their children to be more “social.” At school, teachers are trained to watch for students who seem “socially maladjusted.” A child who doesn’t join others on the playground may prompt phone calls home, meetings with school counselors, or even therapy referrals.
Our culture places a high value on belonging. This emphasis starts early—we’re taught to share, play nicely with others, and match our behavior to those around us. If others form a line, we’re told to join it. If people are speaking quietly, we’re asked to lower our voices. Throughout life, social conditioning reinforces the idea that group membership is necessary for a rich and fulfilling life. While this holds true for many, it doesn’t for introverts.
We value community so much that any deviation is often seen as a problem. Introverts are viewed as strange or wrong for preferring solitude over socializing. They face pressure from well-meaning peers who want to include them or worry they’re “missing out.” What these people don’t realize is that introverts often find freedom and fulfillment in stepping back.
With this understanding, we can give ourselves permission to skip activities that cause discomfort and embrace who we truly are.
In recent years, there has been growing concern about record levels of loneliness, alienation, and division in society. Writers, thinkers, policymakers, and even the U.S. Surgeon General have pointed to the decline of community life as a major cause of poor mental health. Proposed solutions range from reducing social media use to expanding support networks. While these ideas have merit in theory, in practice we talk more about the importance of community yet grow lonelier and more divided.
Introverts are not only well-suited to thrive in our fractured world but can also show others the way. The reason is simple: they see people—including themselves—as individuals, not just members of a group. It’s easy to dislike a faceless crowd you’ve been taught to see as different or threatening. It’s much harder to generalize hostility when you see people for who they really are.
Because introverts don’t feel compelled to adopt group opinions, they tend to be independent, creative thinkers who approach problems from new angles. This often leads to innovative discoveries and unique contributions. And since they measure success by personal achievement rather than comparison to others, they often find greater fulfillment in their creative and professional lives.
For introverts, accepting the idea that “it’s okay to be you” can be life-changing. Many introverts have spent their lives feeling misunderstood. Realizing there’s nothing wrong with who they are can be deeply liberating.
With this insight, we can allow ourselves to avoid uncomfortable situations, build deeper relationships with those we care about, and fully embrace our true selves. As Friedrich Nietzsche, a classic introvert, wrote: “No one can build you the bridge upon which you, and only you, must cross the river of life.”
Today, A has truly flourished. Now 24, he is pursuing a PhD in psychology.Chology recently got engaged to his college girlfriend and remains close with his childhood best friends. In some ways, he will always be more of an observer within the group rather than a full participant. Yet, he is fully engaged in his own life, finding deep satisfaction in the activities he chooses and the people he surrounds himself with. In a world that often encourages conformity, this represents the ideal path for the introvert.
Dr. Rami Kaminski, a psychiatrist and author of The Gift of Not Belonging (Scribe), offers further insights on this topic.
Further reading:
– Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect by Matthew Lieberman (Oxford, £15.49)
– The Good Life: Lessons from the World’s Longest Study on Happiness by Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz (Rider, £12.99)
– Insight: How to Succeed by Seeing Yourself Clearly by Tasha Eurich (Pan, £12.99)
Frequently Asked Questions
Of course Here is a list of FAQs about the idea that not enjoying joining in can be a superpower with clear and concise answers
General Understanding
Q What does not enjoying joining in mean
A It means you naturally prefer solitude quiet reflection or oneonone interactions over large noisy group activities and social gatherings
Q How can this possibly be a superpower
A Because the traits that come with itlike deep thinking keen observation and independenceare incredibly valuable for creativity problemsolving and making thoughtful decisions
Q Is this the same as being an introvert
A Its closely related While introversion is the broader personality trait not joining in is a common behavioral expression of it The superpower lies in the strengths that often accompany introversion
Q Does this mean Im antisocial or shy
A Not necessarily Antisocial is a clinical term and shy implies anxiety Many people who dont enjoy joining in are perfectly confident they simply find group settings draining and prefer to recharge alone
Benefits Strengths
Q What are the specific benefits of not always joining in
A Key benefits include stronger independent thinking higher creativity better focus for deep work and the ability to observe details and patterns that others miss in a crowd
Q How does this trait help with problemsolving
A By stepping back you can analyze a situation from all angles without the pressure of groupthink You often develop more innovative and wellconsidered solutions
Q Can it make me a better leader
A Absolutely Leaders who dont always need to be the center of attention often listen more empower their team members and make calm strategic decisions rather than impulsive ones
Q Why are observers often more insightful
A When youre not busy talking and performing you have the mental space to notice nonverbal cues underlying dynamics and subtle details that reveal whats really going on
Common Challenges Problems
Q Whats the biggest downside to this
A The main challenge can be feeling pressured to conform to societal expectations that value constant socializing which can lead to feeling misunderstood or out of place
