Margaret Atwood recently made waves with a clip from an interview about her book, “Book of Lives: A Memoir of Sorts.” She remarked, “Many people have passed away, so I can speak freely without ruining anyone’s life—except for those I’d like to ruin.” She added, “They deserve it,” referring to those she didn’t portray kindly. When asked if she enjoys holding grudges, she quipped, “I don’t have a choice. I’m a Scorpio.”
Part of the clip’s charm lies in Atwood’s cool, sarcastic tone. It’s no wonder a recent review called her “a literary mafia don,” hinting that she remembers everyone who’s crossed her, even if they’re not named or may no longer be alive. This brings to mind a writer who once told me, “If you wait by the river long enough, your enemies’ bodies will float by.” Clearly, that’s not a Buddhist saying.
This same dry admission of the supposed wrongness of holding grudges makes “Book of Lives” so amusing. From her classic retort to a harsh critic—”Piss up a rope, wanker”—to hiring an exorcist to rid her home of her husband’s ex-wife’s ghost (the woman who unfairly called her a “homewrecker”), her revenge is too funny to be seen as entirely cold-hearted.
But is it really revenge to call out those who’ve wronged us in our own stories? Some think holding a grudge is petty, and it’s partly the public’s enjoyment of that pettiness that made Atwood’s clip go viral. There’s a thrill in discovering that even celebrated authors harbor a mental “enemies list,” just like the rest of us.
I believe it’s more than that. In today’s culture, which emphasizes therapy, forgiveness, and moving on, holding a grudge is frowned upon. We’re told to process our hurts and free ourselves from resentment’s toxicity, to meditate and send “loving kindness” even to those who’ve been cruel. Supposedly, resentment is unhealthy and makes us bitter; we’re urged to “let it go.” But what if we can’t? Or don’t want to? What if the pressure to forgive becomes another burden? A friend recently said of her narcissistic mother, “I’m trying so hard, but I just can’t forgive her.” I replied, “Why do you have to?”
Maybe I’m far from enlightened. I don’t think holding a grudge—which does weigh on the mind—is the same as acknowledging that some things still hurt. And for memoirists, it’s death, not forgiveness, that brings liberation. Once people can’t sue you, you can finally speak your truth without disguising it as fiction, as Atwood did in “Cat’s Eye,” her powerful novel about the lasting effects of girlhood bullying. She now writes, “Parts of the novel were autobiographical, but I didn’t admit it because the main perpetrator was still alive. We’d been teenage friends and stayed in touch. Now, she and her immediate family are all dead.” That bully’s name was Sandra.
In “Cat’s Eye,” the bully is Cordelia, and women who’ve had their own Cordelias often tear up when they meet Atwood. That’s the legacy of female cruelty and the recognition the book evokes. My mother gave me a copy during my own struggles with bullies. To this day, thinking of my first year of secondary school brings back images of the dark, freezing toilet block where I’d hide during breaks, with its blue walls (I’ve always hated blue walls). I’ve had years of therapy. Like Atwood, I…I understand that the person who bullied me was damaged. But understanding isn’t the same as forgiveness, and it doesn’t surprise me that many people struggle to forgive when their bullies later reach out seeking absolution.
Atwood may play up the revenge angle—it’s entertaining and makes for good marketing. She admits that holding a grudge isn’t a particularly appealing trait (“I struggle against it, but not very hard”). Yet, when she names Sandra, it doesn’t come across as petty or triumphant. She had avoided doing so earlier to prevent causing harm.
Being bullied as a child brings deep shame, and I believe telling the truth is a powerful antidote. As someone who has written a memoir, I know that the process, when done right, involves constant self-reflection: Why am I sharing this story? It’s always obvious when a writer is just settling scores. In the Book of Lives, something more profound is at work, grounded in the realization that a long life, even a very successful one, will always include moments of pain. That doesn’t mean the pain can’t be funny. Laughter, after all, is part of the healing process.
Rhiannon Lucy Cosslett is a Guardian columnist.
Frequently Asked Questions
Of course Here is a list of FAQs about why holding a grudge can feel satisfying inspired by Rhiannon Lucy Cossletts reference to Margaret Atwood
General Understanding
Q1 What does holding a grudge actually mean
A It means holding onto feelings of anger resentment or bitterness toward someone because of a past wrong they committed against you
Q2 Why does Rhiannon Lucy Cosslett mention Margaret Atwood in relation to grudges
A Cosslett points to Atwoods idea that we often confuse forgiveness with forgetting Holding a grudge can feel like a way to actively remember the wrong and honor your own pain rather than just letting it go
Q3 If holding a grudge is wrong why does it feel so good sometimes
A It can feel satisfying because it gives you a sense of moral superiority validates your feelings of being wronged and creates a psychological boundary between you and the person who hurt you
The Psychology Benefits
Q4 What are the perceived benefits of holding a grudge
A It can make you feel in control righteous and safe It can also feel like a form of justicea way of punishing the other person in your mind since you cant always do so in reality
Q5 How does a grudge act as a form of selfprotection
A By holding a grudge you are reminding yourself not to trust that person again It functions as an emotional shield to prevent future hurt
Q6 Does holding a grudge give me power
A It can create an illusion of power You feel like you are the one holding the moral high ground and refusing to let the offender off the hook However this power is often internal and doesnt change the past event
The Downsides Problems
Q7 Whats the main problem with holding onto a grudge longterm
A The main problem is that it harms you more than the other person It keeps you stuck in a cycle of negative emotions which can lead to stress anxiety and even health issues
Q8 How can a grudge end up controlling me
