Oh dear. It’s such a shame to see the US lose at football after their incredibly embarrassing president cheated for them. Still, it really brought the world together. The last time this many people cheered for a Belgian resistance was in 1914, when the Germans had just crossed the Meuse. As you probably know, the USA were knocked out of their own World Cup on Monday night by a clearly superior Belgium, after Donald Trump boasted that he personally made three phone calls to FIFA president Gianni Infantino to get the red card against US striker Folarin Balogun overturned. Yes, the US cheats at football. Spread the word.
You’ve heard a lot about “shithousery” during this tournament. We’ve even, painfully, seen a few American commentators try to use the word in conversation. Guys, please, just don’t. It’s not for you. You have “herbs,” “a couple things,” and “a ways to go.” But let’s call what’s happened over the past few days by the name it deserves in every language: Whitehousery.
Some absolute Whitehousery has been on display, and the world certainly has a way (singular) to go before we forget it. As he made very clear, Trump really wet his Depends over Balogun’s ban, and spent Monday babbling to news cameras that he’d acted horribly inappropriately over the weekend by interfering because “I’m good at this stuff.” Right then. It’s somehow especially striking that Trump genuinely thought he was stepping up to bat for the national team. After all, the only humane sporting response to that is: oh my god, don’t let him bat! Look at the state of him! He can’t bat to save his life! It’s weird that Trump supposedly knows so much about sports, but doesn’t get that if you do something outrageously unfair, your opponents will often use that injustice to fire themselves up and beat you. But maybe those aren’t the dynamics in the dead golf games Lindsey Graham lets him cheat in. (“Some people say you may outdrive him, but you’re not going to outdrive his caddie,” Graham told a grand jury in Trump’s election interference case in 2022. “It is what it is.”)
A lot of people rightly feel sorry for Balogun, who never asked to have the president’s malevolently gelatinous form supposedly in his corner. In fact, presumably the London-raised Balogun especially didn’t, given he’s exactly the kind of guy whose birthright citizenship Trump would have done anything to limit, until the Supreme Court finally struck down his attempts to do so last week. But, to quote a phrase, it is what it is.
No one, however, feels remotely sorry for FIFA president Infantino, on whom the focus must now decisively shift. Infantino came up with some extreme bullshit explanation for why FIFA’s supposedly independent judicial bodies triggered the vague article 27 and overturned the ban. I saw it ran in one US publication under a headline that included the words “Infantino defends FIFA’s integrity.” Sorry, FIFA’s what?
I can’t believe it’s come to this, but we’re now officially in the nihilistic “Bring back Blatter” era. Former FIFA president Sepp Blatter—last seen looking like he was sleeping in his car yet somehow finally managing to be cleared of corruption charges on appeal last year—yesterday launched a two-footed attack on his successor over the whole business. “Red cards are not overturned by political phone calls,” he stated. By what then? Sacks of cash and luxury watches? Apparently not. “They are overturned by rules, evidence, and independent bodies,” Blatter thundered. Wow, who knew, etc.
If it seemed like UEFA couldn’t hate Infantino more, meanwhile, it turned out it definitely could. European football’s governing body issued its own lengthy statement criticizing the call. “When the certainty of rules is no longer guaranteed by its guardians, the integrity of the game is at stake,” it said.The credibility of a competition is being undermined,” it read. “We can’t believe such an unprecedented, incomprehensible, and unjustifiable decision.” UEFA declared it had “crossed a red line.” A red line? A red line?! Call me obsessed with maps, but I think we crossed that line a few moral galaxies ago. Maybe it was when Infantino was posing for photos at Trump’s Gaza Peace Summit for Ghoulishly Greedy Businessmen (not the official title). Definitely when Gianni started the self-mocking FIFA peace prize and gave it to Trump, just a couple of months before the president decided to truly live by its values and launch a war on Iran.
Anyway, here’s what’s new: a growing number of European Parliament members have called for an ethics investigation into FIFA because of the Balogun affair. So, the European Parliament calling for an ethics investigation, and Sepp Blatter suggesting you’re corrupt—if irony could kill, we’d be looking at a bloodbath.
Unfortunately, it can’t. No football match could be as rigged as Infantino’s hold on the FIFA presidency—not even if Trump’s USA played the bribe-fueled 1993 Marseille team, overseen by corrupt German referee Robert Hoyzer. Infantino is simply unbeatable—for now—within the organization he leads, because he’s won over member associations outside Europe with favors and development money. Eventually, that will change—at FIFA, there’s always someone more awful and desperate waiting for their chance. But for now, Trump and Infantino are free to poison their own tournament. Let’s just hope the eventual champions realize their final tactical move will be doing everything they can to stop these two villains from stealing the glory.
Frequently Asked Questions
Here is a list of FAQs based on the article title and theme So its Trump 1 Belgium 4 and the world is celebrating Nothing brings people together like a failed trick right by Marina Hyde
BeginnerLevel Questions
Q What does the title Trump 1 Belgium 4 mean
A Its a sportsstyle scoreline It means that in a recent political or diplomatic match Donald Trump scored 1 point but Belgium scored 4 Its a metaphor for Trump losing badly to a small European country
Q Is this about a real soccer game
A No Its a joke Marina Hyde is using the language of a soccer score to describe a political or diplomatic defeat The world is celebrating because people are happy to see a powerful figure get outsmarted
Q Who is Marina Hyde
A She is a British journalist and columnist for The Guardian newspaper She is famous for writing sharp funny and sarcastic opinion pieces about politics celebrities and current events
Q What is the failed trick in the title
A The failed trick is likely a political move bluff or negotiation tactic by Donald Trump that backfired The article suggests he tried to pull something clever or strongarmed but it didnt work and everyone laughed at him
Intermediate Questions
Q Why is the world celebrating a failed trick
A Because the trick was seen as unfair bullying or selfserving When a powerful persons plan fails in a humiliating way it creates a sense of global relief and unity People enjoy seeing arrogance punished even for a moment
Q What does nothing brings people together like a failed trick mean
A It means that schadenfreude is a powerful unifier Even countries or groups that usually disagree can bond over watching a disliked leaders plan blow up in their face
Q Why Belgium Why is Belgium specifically mentioned
