If you believe you’re never too far gone to pick up a new catchphrase, Keir Starmer has been warning us all week that we’re in a “battle for the soul of our nation.” I wish he’d stop saying it. The idea of your soul being fought over by Nigel Farage, Keir Starmer, Zack Polanski, Kemi Badenoch, and the rest feels like something from a locked section of Dante’s Inferno. If it were on a hellish menu, I’d probably pick the Satanic Flaying instead. Anyway, here comes Andy Burnham.
Plus, we now have the location. The battle for the nation’s soul won’t take place in the tenth circle of hell, but in Makerfield. Local MP and minor footnote Josh Simons has stepped down so that the King in the North has a path to King’s Landing, where—I think?—he has to kill his aunt after accidentally sleeping with her. Labour party rules are very obscure.
This entire by-election is just as strange, with dynamics so chaotic they could tear open some kind of portal to a political upside-down that only a uniquely talented person could close, and probably not for a decade. Voters who can’t stand Starmer will have to vote Labour to give Burnham a chance against him—along with voters who are happy with Starmer’s performance or at least don’t want a change of prime minister. Or would those latter voters be better off voting Reform? And what about the voters who can’t stand Starmer but for completely different reasons? Even these factors are arguably less unpredictable than the possible outcomes. The simplest scenario would be a coronation once a victorious Burnham arrives in Westminster, meaning the country’s prime minister was effectively chosen by that small, oddly motivated group of voters. Then again, if Burnham loses, Wes Streeting might finally put his money where his mouth is, sparking a fight between himself, Angela Rayner, Ed Miliband, and urban legend Al Carns. The main winners here would probably be Nigel Farage and the black market for benzodiazepines.
Streeting backs Burnham for return to Westminster, saying he is Labour’s best chance of winning byelection – UK politics live
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More legitimate markets, like the bond market, aren’t thrilled about any of this, but apparently there are easy fixes. Burnham supporter Paula Barker—an actual MP—explained this week that “the markets will have to fall into line.” You tell ’em, Paula! Can you also have a word with gravity? I’m sure it would behave differently if you just told it to, because of “progressive policies that speak to our communities.”
Speaking of things that won’t stay still, let’s look at the wild swings in the Nigel Farage excuses market. The Reform leader is trying to become a full-time resident of the swamp he’s supposed to be draining, by just owning up to the fact that he accepted a £5m secret gift from a Thai-based crypto billionaire weeks before announcing he was running in the 2024 election, and shortly before buying his fourth current property for £1.4m in cash. When the Guardian first reported this, Farage insisted the money was specifically for his personal security. But on Thursday, Nigel told the Sun that it was “given to me as a reward” for campaigning for Brexit, adding self-importantly, “it’s very unusual for someone to give up 27 years of their life to campaign for something.” That’s a pretty twisted view of public service. It’s not like Farage lacked other income. As an MEP, he once bragged about claiming £2m in expenses alone in just over 10 years—though now he’s keen to stress that he hasn’t claimed expenses since becoming an MP. Expenses for what? Not to suggest the people of Clacton aren’t generous—I’m sure they’d be honored to pay for 40 bottles of claret and a load of steaks from the Mar-a-Lago patio menu.
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Nigel Farage with Reform supporters aftFollowing the 2026 local election results, 8 May 2026. Photograph: Dan Kitwood/Getty Images
“I can’t be bought,” Farage insisted yesterday. “I can’t be bought by anybody.” Strong words from a guy who spent years saying pretty much anything on Cameo for about £85 a pop. He then hinted that Elon Musk tried to buy him, offering money in exchange for what Farage vaguely called “this and that.” Musk quickly accused Farage of “lying” about this, so it’s not clear exactly why they fell out. Though I suppose you could say Musk and Farage have very different views on middle-aged British men who move to Thailand.
A few weeks ago, I saw an American online laughing about what he saw as the small-scale nature of British political scandals. They’re always bad, sure, but they tend to involve things like a too-fancy holiday choice or a prime minister using a helicopter during a general election campaign. Even Boris Johnson’s gold wallpaper feels low-rent compared to the hardcore corruption you see in some other countries. But the £5 million gift to Farage is on a different level. Finally, an amount of money everyone can agree is a lot—and yet, Nigel huffed yesterday: “NO ONE CARES!”
And maybe he’s partly right. Green supporters don’t care that Zack Polanski was oddly evasive about where he lived (and apparently didn’t pay council tax). Starmer’s defenders had some nonsense zealotry about all his freebies—the list goes on. This pathetic tribalism, of which this is just one example, could be the biggest cancer in our politics. Not caring about this stuff at all is a sign that a country is truly beaten. But only caring when it’s not your own side doing it is a sign that a country is well on its way there.
Marina Hyde is a Guardian columnist.
Frequently Asked Questions
Here is a list of FAQs reflecting the chaotic political week you described covering Keir Starmer Andy Burnham Nigel Farage and Roman Polanski
FAQs on Starmer Burnham Farage Polanski
1 Why is everyone talking about Keir Starmer and grey suits
A Critics say Starmers government is too cautious and boring filled with safe middleoftheroad advisors instead of bold thinkers After a week of scandals and bad headlines people are asking if his safe approach is actually making things worse
2 What did Andy Burnham do this week that made him look so good compared to Starmer
A Burnham openly clashed with the government over cuts to bus services and the winter fuel allowance He positioned himself as the real voice of the North which made Starmer look out of touch and weak in contrast
3 Is Nigel Farage actually going to win a seat in Parliament next time
A Its possible but not certain The recent chaos in the main parties has given Reform UK a boost in the polls However winning a specific seat depends on local candidates and the tactical voting against him Right now his chances are better than theyve ever been
4 Why is Roman Polanski being dragged into British politics this week
A Because a major film award Polanski won was reinstated by a UKbased committee sparking outrage Critics are using it to attack the government for not doing more on womens safety while supporters say its an art issue not a political one Its become a symbol of a tonedeaf cultural moment
5 Is this the worst week for Starmers government so far
A Yes many political commentators say this is the most chaotic and damaging week since he became Prime Minister A combination of internal leaks a bad economic forecast and the Polanski controversy made the government look amateurish and divided
6 Whats the hell part about Is it really that bad
