Priscilla:
I really dislike being called Prissy. My cousins used to call me that as a child, and it always upset me.
My best friend Chioma and I are both writers. We’ve been friends for seven years, ever since I reached out to her on Twitter and we started talking. Since then, we often meet up to work together and share meals.
The issue is that Chioma has always shortened my name to “Pris” or even just “P.” I put up with it because I care about her, but I recently mentioned that I actually prefer to be called by my full name, Priscilla.
I’m certain I’ve told Chioma this multiple times over the years, but it never seems to stick. I got especially frustrated recently when Chioma and her new friend Mary—who I don’t know well—started calling me “Prissy.” I hate that name because of my childhood experiences. When I told them I didn’t like any of my nicknames, Chioma seemed surprised and claimed she hadn’t realized.
She explained that nicknames come from a place of love and that shortening my name was her way of showing affection. I replied that while that might work for others, I still prefer my full name. It felt like she wasn’t taking my preference seriously and was making excuses in front of Mary.
There’s also the issue of white people sometimes shortening the names of people of color because they can’t be bothered to pronounce them correctly. That’s not the case with Chioma and me since we’re both Black, but when Mary, who is white, joined in, it did feel similar. I don’t believe either of them meant any harm, but good intentions don’t always prevent hurt.
There’s a subtle power dynamic in deciding what to call someone, even among friends. Everyone deserves to be called by their preferred name. Being called something you don’t identify with can be triggering at best and, at worst, a racist microaggression.
Chioma:
I honestly had no idea Priscilla felt so strongly about nicknames. For years, I’ve called her “P” or “Pris” naturally. We’re close—we know each other’s families and spend a lot of time together—so I never thought much about it. The nickname came from a place of love and felt like something special between us, as nicknames often do among friends.
I thought it was a term of endearment that showed our closeness. So when she said in front of Mary that she didn’t like her nicknames, I was taken aback. It wasn’t that I disrespect her wishes; I genuinely believed she knew my intentions were good. I wasn’t making fun of her. “Prissy” was something Mary and I said light-heartedly, and it never crossed my mind that she might find it insulting.
She explained that it reminds her of being scolded as a child, which I understand. But I worry she feels I dismissed her by insisting the nicknames were given out of love.
I wish she had spoken up sooner, since “P” or “Pris” is how I’ve always known her. She’s even saved in my phone as “Pris,” and I’ve called her that since we met. I never meant to embarrass her in front of Mary.
It hurts that she’s now framing this as though I’ve been disrespecting her for years.I had no clue she didn’t like it. I also don’t recall her mentioning this before, even though she says she has.
To me, nicknames show that we’re really close and comfortable with each other. Using full names can sometimes feel too formal. I think it might be hard to break the habit, but I’ll try.
The jury of Guardian readers
Should Chioma start using Priscilla’s full name?
I agree with Priscilla; giving someone a nickname without their consent isn’t a sign of closeness—it’s ignoring your friend’s wishes. Chioma says, “I think it might be difficult to retrain my brain” to use her full name. Maybe saving her contact as Priscilla in your phone could help.
Andrea, 58
Calling this “triggering” and a “racist microaggression” is an overreaction. It’s fine to ask Chioma to stop using an annoying nickname, but making it into a bigger issue just creates conflict where there was once warmth.
Frank, 39
Priscilla has every right to be called by the name she prefers. Chioma may not have meant to upset her, but that’s what happened. Saying it was done with love or that Priscilla should have spoken up sooner shifts blame away from causing hurt.
Rachel, 53
Chioma was showing her affection and closeness to Priscilla and clearly didn’t mean to mock or belittle her. Priscilla should focus on the love Chioma clearly feels and not take it so seriously. In this case, she’s being a bit prissy.
Daral, 27
A nickname might be a friendly shorthand, but both people need to agree to it. Priscilla put up with it for a while but has now expressed her feelings, and that should be respected. Continuing to use the nickname is unfair and unreasonable.
Gareth, 60
Now you be the judge
In our online poll, tell us: should Chioma stop using nicknames?
The poll closes on Wednesday, November 12 at 9am GMT.
Last week’s results
We asked whether Axel should wear the clothes his girlfriend buys for him:
– 4% of you said yes – Axel is guilty
– 96% of you said no – Axel is innocent
Join Guardian journalists at You be the judge – live!
As part of a special Guardian Live event on Wednesday, November 26, Georgina Lawton will host an in-person version of this column. The evening of Guardian culture will take place in London and be livestreamed, hosted by Nish Kumar with writers including Tim Dowling and Meera Sodha. Book tickets here.
Frequently Asked Questions
Of course Here is a list of FAQs from the perspective of someone judging whether their best friend should stop using a nickname for them
BeginnerLevel Questions
1 Whats the big deal Its just a nickname from my best friend
Its a big deal because nicknames carry emotional weight Even from a best friend a name that feels disrespectful or annoying can negatively impact your friendship and how you feel about yourself
2 How do I know if a nickname is actually bothering me
Pay attention to your gut feeling Do you cringe feel embarrassed or get a little irritated every time you hear it If so its likely bothering you more than you think
3 Isnt it too sensitive to ask them to stop
No its not too sensitive Your feelings about your own name and identity are always valid A true friend will want you to feel comfortable and respected
4 What if the nickname started as a fun inside joke
Context can change over time What was once a funny joke can become stale or even hurtful Its okay for your feelings about the nickname to evolve
5 Will asking them to stop hurt their feelings or damage our friendship
It might initially surprise or disappoint them but a clear kind conversation is much less likely to damage a strong friendship than letting silent resentment build up
AdvancedLevel Questions
6 How can I distinguish between a nickname Im just tired of and one that feels genuinely disrespectful
A nickname youre just tired of is mildly annoying A disrespectful one makes you feel belittled mocked or like it undermines your identity The latter requires immediate action
7 Whats the best way to bring this up without making it a big confrontation
Choose a calm private moment Use I statements like I know you dont mean any harm but when you call me it makes me feel Id really prefer it if you just called me
8 What if my friend gets defensive and says Ive always called you that
Acknowledge the history but reaffirm your feelings You could say I know and maybe it was fine before but my feelings have changed As my friend I need you to hear me on this
