I’ve always struggled with small talk. At best, it bored me; at worst, it made me anxious. Why would a colleague point out the rain when I could see it myself? How could I possibly answer the postman’s “How are you today?” in just a few words?
During my years in book publishing, networking was crucial. I could easily talk about authors, print runs, or marketing budgets. But asking how someone traveled to an event or where they parked? I had no interest in those topics. Yet, those were the conversations everyone seemed to have. While others appeared comfortable, I felt tense and out of place.
Every interaction felt like a test I was failing. I didn’t know the rules—how long should small talk last? Should I be honest or entertaining? I feared my replies were either dull or overly intense, and my questions came out like an interrogation.
When I started freelancing, I practiced small talk like an actor learning lines, striving to seem calm and confident. Gradually, I grew more comfortable with the act, accepting that this discomfort was just part of adult life.
Then came lockdown. For two years, I didn’t have to perform. With everyone feeling more vulnerable, conversations felt deeper and more genuine. I rarely spoke to strangers and didn’t even have to wear pants!
But when things reopened, returning to chats about traffic and weather felt like psychological torture. My social skills were rusty, and after wearing masks for so long, I’d forgotten how to put on my social one.
Everything changed this May at a friend’s art show. Inspired, I decided to try a new approach, remembering Wayne Dyer’s advice: “Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at change.” Instead of forcing myself into a mold I resented, I created a new one.
I asked the first person I met, a freelance photographer, “What’s your star sign?” She blinked, looked pleasantly surprised, and said, “Aquarius.” We chatted comfortably for ten minutes. With the next person, I asked about their school art teacher. By the end of the night, I’d had several fun, engaging conversations.
There were 27 days left in May, so I continued my experiment. My rules were simple: politely steer conversations away from well-being, weather, travel, or kids’ grades, and introduce topics I genuinely cared about.
When a barista asked how I was enjoying the sun, I shifted to, “I like spring, but autumn is my favorite season. What about you?” At a writer’s event, when someone mentioned their kids were out of school, I asked about their favorite subject in school.
The results were surprising. Most people not only played along but seemed relieved. I wasn’t the only one who found small talk awkward and forced. Conversations became unpredictable and, more importantly, authentic. I learned about a bartender’s drag artist side gig, a graduate’s passion for beekeeping, and a mental health nurse’s novel.
Of course, there were a few awkward moments. Some people didn’t get it, giving me puzzled looks before leaving. A few were suspicious. But I didn’t take it personally—most welcomed the change.Sign up for Well Actually
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As the month drew to a close, I realized that small talk, despite its annoyances, serves a purpose. It’s a gateway to the interaction and connection that humans are naturally driven to seek.
Now, small talk doesn’t make me anxious anymore. Instead of feeling intimidated, I decide how to approach it without stressing over doing it perfectly. Taking a break from it for a month helped me see how we all follow a similar script to build common ground. But that doesn’t mean you can’t rewrite that script to be more genuine and have more engaging conversations.
“Fk, I Think I’m Dying” by Claire Eastham is published by Penguin and costs £9.99.
Frequently Asked Questions
Of course Here is a list of helpful and concise FAQs about the experience of giving up small talk designed to answer questions from someone just curious to someone ready to try it themselves
Beginner Definition Questions
1 What exactly is small talk
Small talk is light casual conversation about unimportant or uncontroversial topics like the weather sports or generic comments about your day Its often used to fill silence or be polite
2 What do you mean by stopping small talk Does that mean you just stopped talking to people
No not at all It means you stop initiating or engaging in superficial automatic conversations Instead you either embrace comfortable silence or steer the conversation toward more meaningful genuine topics
3 What kind of conversations did you have instead
Instead of asking How are you and expecting a Fine in return you might ask Whats been the most interesting part of your week or share a genuine observation or a personal curiosity
Benefits Outcomes
4 Why would the world feel more vibrant from not making small talk
When you stop using mental energy on automatic chatter you become more present and observant You start noticing details in your environment listening more intently and engaging with people and the world on a deeper level
5 What are the main benefits you experienced
Deeper Connections Conversations became more authentic and led to stronger bonds
Less Social Anxiety The pressure to constantly perform or fill silence vanished
Increased SelfAwareness I learned more about what I truly think and feel
Better Listening I became a much more engaged and present listener
6 Did people think you were being rude or standoffish
Sometimes at first People who were used to the old pattern of chatter were occasionally caught off guard However when they realized I was more present and asked more thoughtful questions they usually appreciated the shift
Common Problems Challenges
7 What was the hardest part about doing this
The initial awkwardness in social situations where small talk is the default like in an elevator or at the beginning of a work meeting It takes practice to be comfortable with silence
8 Isnt small talk necessary to break the ice
It can be but its not the only
