Tasks that need to be done around a home. It’s not just chores; it also includes things like self-care, adult friendships, and “unicorn space,” which is your creative outlet. The first thing to do as a couple is to reduce those 100 cards as much as you can, deciding what is important to you as a family. One of the cards, for example, is potty training. About 40 cards only apply to households with children, so if you don’t have kids you can ignore them. Then the idea is to divide cards and responsibilities, so it is clear who is in charge. Cards can be redealt at any point. “One of the biggest myths around sharing the domestic and mental load is that it needs to be 50-50. That is not the goal. The goal is fair,” says Mason, because, as we all know, some jobs are bigger than others. “If either partner is feeling resentment in some way, the balance probably isn’t right, and something needs addressing within the dealing of the cards.” Draw on your strengths to divide out tasks. “Our skillsets and our personalities are excellent determinants of what it is that is most appropriate to tackle in the home,” says Page, “and it’s not always lined up perfectly with gender expectations.” Establish boundaries and don’t breach them. This can be easier said than done, says Rodsky, because of ingrained “toxic time messages” that suggest our time isn’t as important as someone else’s. Women will say they won’t pick up their phone today, and then the school calls and they do; the call is to say the child forgot their lunchbox and the woman will stop everything to take it in. “We boundary breach because women have been taught that we’re better multitaskers than men, which is fundamentally completely erroneous,” says Rodsky. As in the common misconception: “In the time it would take me to tell my husband to pick up the phone from the school, I could just do it myself.” View image in fullscreenWhat’s important to you as a family? Photograph: SolStock/Getty Images (posed by models) In actual fact, no one is good at multitasking, says Ruppanner. “Our brains are terrible at multitasking. What we are good at is switching between tasks, which makes us feel like we’re multitasking, but that is just task switching. And every time we switch between tasks, what we’re doing is a cognitive turn.” This “fragments your thinking and it makes you tired.” Find a calm moment to discuss potential changes. “Set aside time to talk when you’re both calm,” says Mason. “If this topic rises to the surface in a heated moment, and somebody attacks and somebody else defends, it descends quickly into an argument and nothing gets resolved.” Mangino recommends a technique devised by the Gottman Institute, where you take it in turns to talk for 10 minutes. “The other person is not allowed to respond, just listen. And you talk about all the things that are on your mind. Often, both partners are surprised at how much the other person is thinking about. If it is dramatically imbalanced, that will come to light.” What can actually work best, says Ruppanner, is to start any such conversations by focusing on your goals and dreams, rather than merely who does what. Agree on a minimum standard of care. For each household, this standard will be different, but you need to decide on what is non-negotiable to you for each task. Rodsky gives the example of serving the kids’ dinner, which of the people she surveyed came out as having two priorities: “Relatively healthy and timing. So the minimum standard of care is that they have something healthy on the plate and do not try to feed the kids at eight o’clock. It’s not rocket science – that’s the system.” Furthermore, what “done” looks like to one person can look entirely different to another, says Page. If you are in charge of the dishes, says Mason, “does that mean it is all washed up? Is it fine to leaveDoes it go on the draining board, or does everything need to be put away? What can go in the dishwasher? Whose turn is it to empty it?”
Have a weekly check-in
“Let’s say you have a meeting every Sunday,” says Page. “It might only take 15 or 20 minutes, but you go through the week and decide who is responsible for A, B and C.” Maybe you have a big work presentation and need to focus on that, or you have to travel somewhere – this is the time to mention it, not when you are in the middle of it and feeling stressed and overwhelmed.
View image in fullscreenInclude children in household tasks. Photograph: Andie Mills/Getty Images/Tetra images RF (posed by models)
Get tech help
It has never been easier to synchronise diaries, set alarms, or use apps to help manage domestic life. Mason says that she and her husband sit down with their electronic calendars. “If there is anything that affects the other person, we send invites to each other, so it is blocked in each other’s diaries.” Mason also suggests apps like Nipto, which you can use to split household chores and give points to jobs depending on how difficult they are. Embracing this kind of tech can particularly help household members who struggle with organisational tasks.
Ensure all household members are involved
Mason puts jobs on Post-it notes on the wall, which also includes her six-year-old son, who puts his clothes away, feeds the dogs in the morning, and sets the table. She says: “We hope that making the domestic and mental load visible means he grows up knowing that a home runs on shared effort.” Do you have an opinion on the issues raised in this article? If you would like to submit a response of up to 300 words by email to be considered for publication in our letters section, please click here
Frequently Asked Questions
FAQs Whose Job Is It to Empty the Dishwasher
Beginner Questions
1 Whose job is it to empty the dishwasher
Theres no universal rule It should be whoever the couple agrees onbased on time schedule and fairness not gender or habit
2 Why does this question cause so many arguments
Because its not really about dishes Its about feeling appreciated pulling your weight and whether chores feel fairly shared
3 Isnt it the job of whoever loaded it
Thats one option but not a rule Some couples split it one loads one unloads What matters is that you both agree
4 Cant we just take turns
Yes Alternating days or weeks is one of the simplest and fairest systems Just make the schedule clear so no one has to guess
5 What if one of us is home more
Then it often makes sense for that person to do it more oftenbut only if theyre genuinely okay with it Never assume ask
6 Why cant we just leave the dishes until someone needs something
You can but it usually creates stress Someone ends up doing it resentfully and that resentment builds over time
Advanced Questions
7 Whats the real issue behind whose job is it
Usually its about invisible laborwho notices the task remembers it and makes sure it gets done The mental load matters as much as the physical work
8 How do we decide fairly instead of just guessing
Talk about it directly Compare schedules energy levels and which tasks you each dislike Then assign it clearly or rotate it
9 What if my partner says theyll do it later and never does
Agree on a specific deadlinelike before bed or within an hour of dinner Vague promises are where resentment starts
10 Should we keep score
No Scorekeeping turns partnership into competition Aim for overall balance not a perfect 5050 every single day
11 What if we both hate doing it
Then rotate it or trade it for a chore your partner dislikes more You can also run the dishwasher at night and unload together in the morningit takes five minutes as a team
