“If I hear one more person in our camp say they’re just rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic,” a supporter of Keir Starmer told the Daily Mail, “I’ll scream.” No need for screams. The prime minister’s reshuffle on Monday wasn’t so much about moving deck chairs as it was about restructuring the crew and announcing that new faces will help the team refocus on their ultimate goal—which, it turns out, is more reshuffling. Don’t be surprised if the first strategy session happens somewhere far off the coast of Newfoundland.
For now, keep your drinks close and stick to dressing for dinner, because Darren Jones, formerly chief secretary to the Treasury, is now something called chief secretary to the prime minister. To Starmer, Darren is a problem-solver; to many in the cabinet, he’s more of a problem-maker. Downing Street isn’t going with that angle, of course, insisting instead that this latest reset shows Starmer is all about “relentless delivery.” Delivery of what? They’ve hardly passed any laws. And honestly, I’m not sure “relentless” means what Starmer thinks it does. All he seems to do is relent—on staff, on policy. His communications chief’s role, for instance, has basically become a gig economy job, and the only thing he hasn’t backtracked on is his habit of doing a U-turn every month. It’s like watching a movie where you can’t tell what the main character actually wants. Unsurprisingly, it’s turning out to be a box-office flop.
But hey, maybe it just needs a better slogan! On Monday, the Starmer administration was cycling through new official and unofficial mottos. There’s “delivering growth people can feel in their pockets,” which sounds self-congratulatory, and “just fucking do it,” which sounds utterly devoid of strategy. Both are still better than how one insider described this latest reboot to the Times: “this is about bringing the grownups in.” Oh no—not the dreaded grownups. Just as every Batman reboot promises to be darker and grittier, every Starmer reboot promises more adults in the room. He’s been saying the grownups are coming since 2017. Doing it again now suggests his first 14 months in government were run by kids.
Then again, there was other inspiration available. “We’re not pitching you a new Netflix series,” Jonathan Reynolds, then shadow business secretary, said before last year’s election. “We’re not treating politics as entertainment.” Finally, a promise the government has kept. Unfortunately, as I pointed out at the time, it would’ve been better if they’d taken one cue from Netflix: when it greenlights a show, it usually knows the cost and how to pay for it. Starmer’s government is still “on a journey” in that department, and that’s what will ultimately undo him—or already has.
It was only nine months ago that Rachel Reeves defended last year’s budget to the CBI, saying, “I’m very clear: I won’t come back with more borrowing or taxes. That’s why we wiped the slate clean to put public finances on a firm footing, and as a result, we won’t have to do a budget like this ever again.” Spoiler: they’re going to have to do a much worse one. Yes, in a turn of events that was both predictable and predicted, the promise not to raise the three biggest taxes—while giving Britain a better standard of living than the one it’s grown bitterly used to—has fallen flat. In related news, Britain is angrier now. And it’s going to get a whole lot angrier.The budget. People will be perfectly justified in saying they never voted for the measures Rachel Reeves will have to implement. It’s hard to see how she survives that.
During the last election campaign, Rishi Sunak’s claim that Labour would raise taxes was treated as a huge exaggeration. Keir Starmer called it “absolute garbage” and insisted Sunak had broken the ministerial code by suggesting Labour would impose a £2,000 tax hike per person over the parliament to fill a £22 billion funding gap. “He knew very well what he was doing,” Starmer said. “He lied about our plans. And that is a true test of character. As we go to the polls, it’s important for voters to know the character of the two individuals who want to be prime minister.”
Quite. And yet, it’s genuinely hard to believe the current economic situation could come as a surprise to Starmer. He must have known his pre-election promises—made when victory was all but certain—didn’t add up. If he didn’t, he and his chancellor are even more incompetent than they’ve seemed so far. Their lofty pledges amount to a form of populism almost as damaging as the kind they claim to oppose—and may even pave the way for it.
Deceptions on this scale should simply be called lies. Unfortunately, every major party’s manifesto was full of them last time around. During the Brexit years, “cakeism” became a popular term to describe the widespread belief that benefits could be had without costs. Boris Johnson famously said he was “pro having it and pro eating it.” Yet despite seeing how that turned out for leaders from Theresa May to Johnson himself, Starmer and Reeves made economic promises that were pure cakeism. These days, Reform is doing the same. Nigel Farage has already pledged £80 billion in new spending without any credible plan to pay for it. “Mr. Honest” is lying to the British people, just as he did before the EU referendum. If he ever makes it to Number 10, we’ll see once again where kicking the can down the road leads.
Except by then, we may have run out of road. Sooner or later, someone will have to be honest with the public—but given the appetite for self-delusion, that honesty is unlikely to be a winning strategy anytime soon. Until then, we’ll remain stuck, trapped in a never-ending episode of The Great British Cakeism-Off.
Marina Hyde is a Guardian columnist.
Frequently Asked Questions
Of course Here is a list of FAQs about the article Now showing Keir Starmers march of the grownups the disaster movie were all being forced to watch by Marina Hyde
General Beginner Questions
Q What is this article about
A Its a satirical opinion piece by columnist Marina Hyde that criticizes the current state of UK politics specifically targeting the leadership style of Keir Starmer and the Labour Party
Q Who is Marina Hyde
A She is a wellknown British journalist and columnist for The Guardian famous for her sharp witty and often sarcastic political commentary
Q What does the march of the grownups refer to
A Its a sarcastic phrase mocking the selfpresentation of Keir Starmer and his team as serious responsible adults cleaning up politics which Hyde implies is boring uninspiring or even a disaster
Q Why is it called a disaster movie
A Hyde uses this metaphor to suggest that the current political situation feels like a bad predictable film that we cant turn off where the supposed heroes are not saving the day
Intermediate ContentBased Questions
Q What is the main criticism of Keir Starmer in this piece
A The main criticism is that his approach is overly cautious technocratic lacking in bold vision or charisma and ultimately not compelling or effective enough to be a real alternative
Q Is this article supportive of the Conservative government
A No not at all The piece is critical of the entire political landscape It paints the Conservatives as one disaster and Labours current offering as an equally unappealing alternative
Q What is the tone of the article
A The tone is heavily satirical sarcastic and cynical Hyde uses humor and exaggeration to make her points about the failures of the political class
Q Does the article offer any solutions or alternatives
A As an opinion piece its primary purpose is critique rather than providing policy solutions It highlights a problem but doesnt prescribe a specific fix
Advanced Analytical Questions
Q What is the significance of the grownups label in modern politics
A Its often used
