The US embassy in London has issued a notice on behalf of the American government, advising the UK not to ban social media for under-16s. Thanks, but… we didn’t ask for that advice? Maybe that’s unfair. It’s quite something to get child protection tips from a country where the leading cause of death for children and teens is gunshot wounds. Can we suggest an obvious way to tackle that ongoing tragedy—or does international advice only go one way?
Either way, we’ve had no shortage of lectures from Donald Trump’s administration lately. The US defense secretary decided a D-day commemoration speech was the right place to criticize Europe. It’s always painful to be reminded of Pete Hegseth, with his extreme tattoos and soft-serve hair—mostly because it takes the edge off how much we dislike JD Vance. (You probably noticed he was also giving international lectures last week.) Standing at the podium in Normandy, Hegseth had just rattled off some thoughts on winning wars when he shifted to the topic you could tell he’d crossed the Atlantic for. “Sadly,” he began, signaling the big moment, “today, different European beaches are stormed by different, dangerous ideologies. Beaches in Spain, Italy, Greece, and Bulgaria—boats and men arrive.”
Bring back Nazis to fight them off, please! Reverse Operation Dragoon! Build the wall—the South Wall! Sorry, I’m being unfair again. Pete couldn’t have paid a more moving tribute to the last surviving WWII veterans in Normandy than by using a commemorative speech to make awkward mistakes about one of his pet issues, then trying to cover it with pointed remarks about allies showing up for each other “when it matters.” Or as we call it in Europe, 1939-1941.
Back in Washington, Pete and JD’s boss has finally almost finished a political construction project. It’s a 4,500-seat UFC arena now completely blocking the front of the White House. At its center is an octagon where “the most historic sporting event of all time” will celebrate the Declaration of Independence this Sunday. Yes, it’s a big, beautiful state cage fight. One of the fighters has already set the tone by promising another guy he’s not even facing that he’ll give him “a golden shower.” “I’m not just going to win,” Josh Hokit explained about Alex Pereira, “I’m going to piss on him.” Go on. “This guy’s the baddest guy on the planet. Look at how I speak to him. Like my dog, like my bitch. Fuck you!” These are promises you’ll recognize from many British state occasions. In fact, one of Hokit’s pledges—“I’m going to chama on your mama”—seems to be a direct copy of something King Charles said to Trump during the president’s last visit to Windsor.
So, there’s a lot to look forward to on Sunday. Other details are still under wraps, but since the event also happens to celebrate Trump’s 80th birthday, you’d hope there’d be some military element. Just a thought: how about giving Trump a Purple Heart for not getting syphilis (as far as we know) in 1980s Manhattan? That’s a period the president has called “my personal Vietnam.”
But what about after Sunday? Well, Trump loves his new testosterone-filled arena so much that…He’s thinking about keeping it on the White House lawn after UFC Freedom 250, as the event is called. He’s pointed out that the French set that precedent with the Eiffel Tower, which was originally supposed to be taken down after the 1889 World’s Fair. “We’re building something in front of the White House that a lot of people find quite attractive,” the president said last week. “And I’m looking at it, and maybe we’ll never, ever take it down.”
Since we’re apparently taking suggestions from across the Atlantic, can I offer one? This US administration is so deeply stuck in what pro wrestling calls “heel” mode that it seems a waste not to get the most out of such a grand arena. Surely—surely!—the various tough guys in Trump’s circle of appointees should be made to fight each other in the White House octagon. They could battle for Treasury resources, for glory, or simply for the right to laugh the loudest in the Oval Office backdrop the next time the president cracks a joke at a press conference.
Why not? Think of the ratings. If Trump can make them stumble around the world stage in shoes that don’t fit, he can certainly order the likes of Hegseth and Vance to fight—or at least wrestle—in his “Craposseum.” What’s stopping him? It’s not morals, that’s for sure, or a lack of total obedience from his henchmen. Maybe the president is dealing with a case of ringmaster’s stage fright. Let’s hope he gets over it. One day, ideally, this could expand into a dual competition where cabinet members have to dance competitively in Trump’s planned ballroom before finishing off in the octagon. Quite the biathlon. Nothing could feel more fitting for this administration, or more in line with its relationship with dignity. Just a suggestion, of course—but if friends can’t make them, who can?
Marina Hyde is a Guardian columnist.
Frequently Asked Questions
Here is a list of FAQs generated in the style and tone of Marina Hydes satirical article focusing on the hypothetical White House cagefighting ring
BeginnerLevel Questions
Q Wait is there actually a cagefighting ring in the White House lawn
A No This is a satirical idea from columnist Marina Hyde suggesting that the chaotic brutal and performative nature of modern politics would be more honestly represented by an actual fight club
Q Whats the cagefighting ring supposed to represent
A Its a metaphor for the White House under Trump Hyde argues that the administration was already a spectacle of verbal brawls personal attacks and zerosum conflictso why not just admit it and put it in a cage
Q So its just a joke about politics being violent
A Yes but its a pointed joke It satirizes how political discourse has become less about policy and more about dominance humiliation and owning your opponent just like in a real cage match
Advanced Practical Questions
Q How would you actually put it to use as Hyde suggests
A Hydes idea is to turn the endless pointless political feuds into a transparent ticketed event Instead of pretending the daily Twitter wars and briefing room brawls are governing you sell tickets get a referee and let the public watch the carnage theyre already paying for with their attention
Q Who would be the main fighters in this cage
A The obvious main event would be Trump vs any perceived rival Undercards would feature Kellyanne Conway vs a factchecker or Sean Spicer vs a podium
Q Would this actually solve any problems in the White House
A No but thats the joke It wouldnt solve anythingit would just be more honest Hydes point is that the current system already functions like a blood sport so calling it a cage fight at least removes the hypocrisy of pretending its a serious democracy
Q Whats the missing element Hyde is talking about
A Shes saying the Trump White House was
