"Carefree," in ji Ryan Caldwell lokacin da na tambaye shi abin da kalmar da aka yi wa tattoo a yatsunsu ke nufi. Ya ɗaga kai daga hannuwansa a safiyar ruwan sama a Belfast. Tsohon ɗan wasan Ireland, wanda ya taka leda a matsayin mai tilastawa ga Ulster, Bath, da Exeter, sai ya yi dariya a hankali, yana yarda da yadda wannan kalmar ta zama abin ban mamaki.
Mun shafe kusan sa'o'i biyu muna magana game da abubuwa masu nauyi da duhu da yawa – daga gwagwarmayarsa da jaraba da zaman kurkuku, zuwa aikinsa na rugby wanda ya cika da raunuka, da kuma mummunar raunin kwakwalwa ta ƙarshe da ta kawo ƙarshen wasansa kuma ta sa shi nutsewa cikin baƙin ciki mai zurfi.
Caldwell kuma ya gaya mani yadda ya warkar da kansa a hankali bayan ya shiga dajin Amazon kuma ya sha kashi na farko na ayahuasca, wani magani mai haifar da ruɗi daga tsirrai. Yanzu yana taimaka wa wasu ta hanyar sauraron matsalolinsu yayin da yake koyar da numfashi da tunani.
"Na sani, na sani," in ji Caldwell cikin raha lokacin da na nuna cewa "carefree" ba ita ce kalmar da ta fi dacewa ga wani mai irin wannan labari mai wahala ba, ko da yake yana da kyakkyawan ƙarshe.
Caldwell yana da tsayi ƙafa 6 da inci 7 kuma jikinsa ya cika da tattoo, amma babban mutumin, wanda zai cika shekara 42 ranar Talata, mutum ne mai tausasawa kuma sau da yawa yana ba da nishaɗi. Tsohon ɗan wasan baya kuma zai buga littafi, White Lines: A Rugby Life Broken and Rebuilt, wanda watakila zai zama tarihin rayuwar wasanni na shekara. Labari ne mai jan hankali, cike da fahimta mai zurfi game da rugby na ƙwararru da rayuwa.
Amma a ƙarshen hirarmu mai ban sha'awa, ina so in ji ƙarin game da shuɗin tawada da ya rufe mafi yawan fuskarsa da jikinsa. "Tattoo na farko ta zo lokacin da nake 18," in ji Caldwell. "Sanskrit ce don 'ƙarfi'. Mahaifiyata ta yi kuka kuma na ce: 'Och, Mummy, kawai fata ne.'"
Duba hoto cikin cikakken allo: Ryan Caldwell ya ce game da tattoo ɗinsa: 'Sun kasance kusan abu ɗaya. Mafi yawan jikina an yi masa tattoo … sun kasance wani ɓangare na.' Hoton: Paul Faith/The Guardian
Tattoo nawa yake da su? "Sun kasance kusan abu ɗaya. Ƙananan wurare a nan da can, amma mafi yawan jikina an yi masa tattoo. Ba na son ƙarin yanzu kuma ban yi ba tun shekaru da yawa. Amma sun kasance wani ɓangare na."
Kalmomin "babu soyayya" an yi su a sama da gira ɗaya, wanda ke da ban mamaki domin rayuwar Caldwell ta cika da soyayya daga danginsa. "Lokacin da na yi wannan tattoo, na ji ƙasƙanci sosai kuma ba ni da soyayya ga kaina. A cikin wannan yanayin, yana da wuya ka ga soyayyar da wasu suke maka."
A matsayinsa na yaro, Caldwell ya kamu da rugby union domin yana "jin daji da rai, ni ma haka nake". Ya ƙaunaci ƙarfin jiki na wasan da kuma 'yancin da yake ba shi na buga sauran 'yan wasa.
Amma a lokacin da yake tashi a matsayin gwarzon ɗan makaranta, sannan kuma yayin da yake taka leda a ƙwararru ga Ulster, rugby ya sa Caldwell ya gaskata cewa ba daidai ba ne ya nuna rashin tsaro ko rauni. Mutum ne mai taurin kai wanda kawai ya rasa kunyarsa lokacin da yake yin duk irin buguwa da abubuwan ban dariya, inda ƙoƙarin yin surutu da ban dariya tare da abokan wasansa ya fi muhimmanci fiye da zama na gaskiya.
Caldwell ya rubuta cewa, "duk da taurin kai na waje, ni mutum ne mai hankali. Ina jin abubuwa sosai. Sai da na waiwaya baya na ga cewa ba ni da harshen ji."
Ya sami ƙananan kofuna biyu na ƙasa da ƙasa – ba yawan da aka yi hasashen ba lokacin da yake ƙarfi a rugby na matasa. Caldwell watakila an fi saninsa da wani abin da ya faru a lokacin horo a shirye-shiryen gasar cin kofin duniya ta 2007, lokacin da ya fusata Paul O'Connell kuma tsohon kyaftin na Ireland da Lions ya buge shi da ƙarfi har, kamar yadda ya faɗa a littafinsa, "na kusan mutuwa … na suma. Buga ya fashe kumatuna – ɗaya daga cikin haƙorana na baya ya huda ta. Ina haɗiye jini, ina gurguwa, sannan na fara faɗuwa a filin. Na daina numfashi. Na kusan ƙarewa. Dole ne su farfado da ni a can a kan ciyawa. Gary O'Driscoll, likitan ƙungiyar, ya yi gudu ya zo ya yanke rigar. Ina tunawa da fuskarsa – tsoro a idanunsa – hannuwansa suna danna… Na farka da gwiwar wani a ƙirjina. Wani yana kukan motar asibiti. Ya kasance cikakken hargitsi."
Caldwell ba ya riƙe fushi ga O'Connell, wanda ya girgiza sosai da abin da ya yi kuma daga baya ya kira shi mafi munin lokacin aikinsa na rugby. Amma a lokacin, Caldwell ya yi ƙoƙari ya watsar da shi kamar ba kome ba.
Littafinsa kuma yana magana game da wasu abubuwa masu raɗaɗi tare da ƙungiyar ƙasa. Ya kwatanta yadda ya yi farin ciki lokacin da babban kocin Declan Kidney ya gaya masa an zaɓe shi don buga wa New Zealand a Nuwamba 2008. Caldwell yana murƙushe fuska yanzu yayin da yake tunawa cewa, kwana biyu bayan haka, Kidney ya kira shi ya ce an sanar da sunansa bisa kuskure. An cire shi daga ƙungiyar.
Caldwell ya ɓaci amma ya ce: "Har yanzu ban ƙware ba, don haka ban tambaye shi ba."
Ya ƙaura daga Ulster zuwa Bath a 2011 kuma ya taka leda sosai har Kidney ya kira ya ce ya dawo cikin zaɓe. Bayan ƴan kwanaki, a cewar Caldwell, Kidney ya sake yin waya ya ce a zahiri ba za a iya zaɓe shi ba domin yana wasa a wajen Ireland.
Caldwell, yana jin "fushi sosai," an zaɓe shi a matsayin ɗan wasan gaba na shekara a Bath – amma sai rauni ya buge shi. Ba da daɗewa ba, yayin da yake fama da rushewar aurensa da raunukan da ke ci gaba, "komai ya fara faɗuwa a Bath." Caldwell ya fara amfani da cocaine kuma ba da daɗewa ba ya riƙa amfani da shi har ya sami dillalin nasa.
Duba hoto cikin cikakken allo
Ryan Caldwell yana buga wa Bath wasa da Worcester a 2012. "Ba ni iya sa safa da safe. Kuma ina gudu a ranar Asabar, ina yin tackles, ina buga rucks," in ji shi. Hoton: David Rogers/Getty Images
Idan rauni bai hana shi ba, shin zai iya guje wa duhun da ya mamaye shi? "Ban sani ba," in ji shi. "A gaskiya, ina rayuwa a kan aro. Lokacin da na isa Bath, kwatangwalo na na ci gaba da zafi. A kakar wasa ta biyu na yi tiyata kuma likitan ya ce: 'Ban san yadda kake buga wasan ƙwararru ba.' A cikin shekaru biyu na ƙarshe, ba ni iya sa safa da safe. Kuma har yanzu ina gudu a ranar Asabar, ina yin tackles, ina buga rucks."
A Bath sannan Exeter, ya ci gaba da tura ta cikin zafi, kuma allura sun ba shi damar ci gaba da wasa. "Koyaushe ina son yin wasa – kuma wannan al'adun rugby ne. Na tuna da likita daga farkon kwanakina. Na ce: 'Likita, ina fama sosai. Gwiwa na na kashe ni.' Ya ce: 'Ga magungunan taurin kai.'"
Yayin da raunukansa ke ƙara muni, amfani da ƙwayoyinsa – cocaine da sauransu – ya ƙara girma. Caldwell mai kunya ya gaya mani yadda Rob Baxter, kocinsa na Exeter, watakila ya gan shi yana shan coke a cikin ɗakin bayan gida. "Na yi tunani: 'Allah, shin ya lura? Dole ya lura.' Na tuna ina zubar da ruwa kuma Rob yana tsaye a can. Na ce: 'Lafiya, Rob?' Ya ce: 'Lafiya?' Na fita kawai."
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Baxter ya kasance mai fahimta da kirki lokacin da Caldwell ya yi ritaya a ƙarshe a 2014, yana da shekara 30, bayan raunin kwakwalwa da ya kasa jurewa. Caldwell ya dakata lokacin da na tambaye shi raunin kwakwalwa nawa ya samu. "Yana da wuya a faɗa. Akwai lokutan da na suma gaba ɗaya, amma kuma akwai bugu da yawa a kai. Raunin kwakwalwa na ƙarshe, lokacin da na yi ritaya, ya bambanta. Baƙin ciki mai nauyi ya shigo. Na je wurin ƙwararre a Belfast, ya yi mini gwaje-gwaje kuma ya ce mini: 'Bai kamata ka buga rugby ba.' Na san an ƙare."
Har yaushe tasirin wannan raunin ya daɗe? "Na ji wannan hazo na tsawon watanni. Har yanzu, ƙwaƙwalwata ba ta da kyau."
Caldwell ya san game da matakin shari'a da ƴan wasa da yawa suka ɗauka a kan hukumomin rugby, amma "na mai da hankali kan abubuwan da nake yi yanzu. Neman diyya yana ɗaukar ƙarfin tunani mai yawa, kuma yana da ɗan rashin jituwa da rayuwata ta yanzu.
Ryan Caldwell a lokacin da yake Exeter a 2014. Yana tsoron Rob Baxter ya kama shi yana shan cocaine a lokacin da yake Chiefs. Hoton: David Rogers/Getty Images
Ya yi nisa daga kwanakin da yake gaya wa mahaifiyarsa mai haƙuri, hawaye na gangarowa a fuskarsa, "Ina fata da ban taɓa zama ɗan wasan rugby ba. Da na yi rayuwa ta yau da kullun."
Caldwell ba ya zargin rugby da cewa ya ƙare da "kwatangwalo sun lalace, kwakwalwa ta girgiza saboda yawan bugu a kai" kuma an aika shi sau biyu zuwa kurkukun Maghaberry kusa da Lisburn saboda an kama shi da ƙwayoyi da kuma lalata dukiya yayin da bai dace da tuƙi ba. Ya kusa kashe kansa, a karo na biyu, a cikin ɗakinsa kuma an cece shi ne kawai da wani ma'aikacin kurkuku ya zo ya duba shi. Idan mutumin ya bi tsarinsa na yau da kullun, Caldwell zai mutu kafin ya isa.
Paddy Johns, tsohon ɗan wasan Ireland wanda Caldwell ya girmama a matsayin yaro, shi ne likitan haƙori na kurkuku wanda ya taimaka masa. Amma sai lokacin da wani mai shan ƙwayoyi ya yi ƙoƙarin gabatar da shi ga heroin ne Caldwell ya yanke shawarar "isa da isa". Ya ɗauki matakin ƙarshe na zuwa dajin Amazon kuma ya fuskanci duk abin da ya zama ta hanyar ayahuasca.
Ya ɗauki shekaru, amma a ƙarshe, Caldwell ya sami kwanciyar hankali da sabon manufa a aikinsa. "A cikin ƴan watannin da suka gabata, alal misali, na yi aiki da mata masu shiga menopause, mutanen da ke fama da baƙin ciki, damuwa da tashin hankali. Ina taimaka wa mutane da magungunan halitta da numfashi, tunani kuma ina ba su wurin da suke jin aminci don yin magana. Amma babban abin da nake yi shi ne gudanar da zaman kwana uku da huɗu inda suke rabuwa da rayuwarsu ta yau da kullun, da wayarsu, kuma muna magana game da duk abubuwan da muke magana a nan."
Caldwell kuma ya gyara dangantakarsa da iyayensa. Kwanan nan sun zo cin abinci tare da shi da abokin tarayyarsa, Tara, da ƴaƴansu biyu. Ya ba kowannensu kwafin littafinsa kuma, kamar yadda Caldwell ya ce yanzu, "Lokacin da yake tafiya mahaifina ya ce: 'Ina sonka!' Ba zai taɓa faɗa ba yayin girma. Shi da mahaifiyata sun fi annashuwa yanzu domin sun damu da ni koyaushe."
Ryan Caldwell a Giant's Ring a Belfast. 'Dangantakata da iyayena ta fi kyau fiye da kowane lokaci,' in ji shi. Hoton: Paul Faith/The Guardian
Ya yi murmushi cikin raha. "Mahaifina yana da shekara 73 kuma mahaifiyata 70. Mun kasance a hutu a Portugal kuma na kawo wasu namomin kaji masu sihiri. Ina buɗe musu sosai kuma lokacin da mahaifiyata ta ce: 'Me zai yi mini idan na ɗauki ɗaya?' Na gaya mata: 'Zai rage tunaninka, ya ba ka damar samun annashuwa.' Ta ce: 'Zan iya ɗaukar ɗaya. Mu tambayi mahaifinka.' Sai ta ce: 'Cyril!' Mahaifina ya shigo kuma ta ce: 'Za mu ɗauki ɗaya daga cikin waɗannan?'"
Caldwell yana rawa cikin nishaɗi. Iyayensa koyaushe masu ra'ayin mazan jiya ne kuma masu aiki tuƙuru don haka ya ba su "ƙaramin ƙashi kawai. Suna kwance a can, mahaifina yana kallon Formula One kuma mahaifiyata ta ba ni alamar godiya biyu a kan gado a sama. Ban taɓa ganin su cikin annashuwa haka ba. Dangantakarmu yanzu ta fi kyau fiye da kowane lokaci."
Dangantakarsa da rugby kuma ta fara warkewa. A watan Disamba na shekarar da ta gabata ya tafi kallon Ulster suna buga Racing a Ravenhill kuma ya gano cewa "har yanzu ina cikin wannan. Kuma har yanzu yana cikina. Eh. Ƙaunar tana nan."
Caldwell watakila ya taɓa jin rauni amma yanzu ya ce, yana jin kamar ba shi da damuwa: "Ina da wannan kwanciyar hankali na asali ko da akwai ƙalubale a rayuwa. Ba ni da abubuwa masu yawa na duniya amma ban taɓa jin arziki kamar yanzu ba. Ina iya ganin cewa duk abin da na shiga ya ƙasƙantar da ni gaba ɗaya. Dole ya faru don in sami rayuwar da nake da ita yanzu."
A Burtaniya da Ireland, ana iya tuntuɓar Samaritans ta wayar kyauta 116 123. A Amurka, za ka iya kira ko aika saƙo zuwa National Suicide Prevention Lifeline a 988. Kira ko taɗi da 988lifeline.org, ko aika saƙo HOME zuwa 741741 don isa ga mai ba da shawara. A Ostiraliya, za ka iya tuntuɓar Lifeline a 13 11 14. Don layukan taimako a wasu ƙasashe, ziyarci befrienders.org.
