In 2000, I had been living in London for just over ten years and working at EMI Records for five. I had moved to Brixton from Surrey—where space and quiet were usually easy to come by—in the late 80s, and I started to notice that I was becoming more and more anxious and claustrophobic, especially on public transport.
As things got worse, I began having a series of distressing panic attacks. Each time, it felt like the world was closing in around me. Then, in July 2003, during my usual commute between Brixton and the South Bank, I had a panic attack so severe that I tried to climb out of the tube carriage doors. Luckily, other passengers held me back until we reached the next platform—but I knew then that I couldn’t ignore the problem any longer.
The following year, my GP referred me to a hypnotherapist. During regression hypnotherapy sessions, I would sit in a chair, close my eyes, and feel as though I was falling back through time to different moments in my life. After three months of revisiting old memories, my therapist asked me directly if I had ever been in a train crash. “No, I think I’d know if I’d been in a train crash,” I said, a bit taken aback. Even so, she asked if I would check with my parents the next time I saw them, in case I had been too young to remember.
When I went back to my family home the following weekend, I did as my therapist suggested. To my surprise, my parents looked at each other for a moment before admitting that I had, in fact, been in a train accident as a child.
It happened on 4 September 1965. At four years old, I was returning home from a summer trip to Ireland with my grandmother, where we had stayed with relatives. We took the ferry from Dublin to Holyhead in Wales, then boarded a train to London. As we sat waiting to leave, another passenger train came into the platform and crashed into us. Our train was pushed back a few feet, lifting the carriage off its frame and trapping us inside. My grandmother and I were not hurt, but we were crushed together in the September heat as panic rose around us, with other passengers seriously injured nearby.
My parents said they had tried to talk to me about what happened afterwards, but I would only scream and run away. Not wanting to upset me further, they stopped bringing it up altogether.
That conversation with my mum and dad changed everything. I finally understood where more than a decade of fear and panic had come from. It explained why I had struggled with trains, planes, and sometimes even cars. Whenever I found myself in a situation where I felt trapped or stuck, my brain was subconsciously taking me back to the crash, even though I had no conscious memory of it. Finding out the truth meant I could work with my therapist to build the tools I needed to stop living in fear.
Not long after finishing my hypnotherapy, in 2006, I went on a work trip to Vancouver. We had a team meeting at the top of Whistler Mountain—and the only way up was a 30-minute cable car ride. My colleagues told the cable car staff that I had claustrophobia, and they reassured me there was a halfway point where I could get out if I couldn’t make it to the top. But as the ride began, I felt surprisingly calm, even though I knew I would be trapped for at least 15 minutes. When the cable car reached the midpoint, I saw that the venue staff had come out to applaud me. I knew then that I could make it all the way up. Instead of getting off, I called my hypnotherapist and said, “You’ll never guess where I am—halfway up Whistler Mountain!”
Not feeling so terrified all the time meant I could finally live the life I had always wanted.This became even more important after my daughter was born, six years later. I wanted to be the best version of myself for her — and that wouldn’t have been possible while I was constantly living in fear. Now that she’s 14, our shared love of music means we’re always travelling across London by train or tube, heading to packed concerts together. If it hadn’t been for that unexpected discovery, I might never have been able to share those moments with her.
Frequently Asked Questions
Here is a list of FAQs based on the article title written in a natural tone with clear concise answers
General Background Questions
1 What is this article about
Its a firstperson essay about a person who has a sudden severe panic attack while riding public transport In the aftermath while trying to figure out why it happened they uncover a deeply buried and horrifying secret from their past The story is about trauma memory and how our bodies react to things weve suppressed
2 Is this a true story
Its written as a personal essay which usually means its a true story from the authors life However sometimes these columns are anonymized or have details changed for privacy But generally you should read it as a real lived experience
3 What kind of horrifying secret is it
The article doesnt reveal the specific secret in the title and the details are the core of the story Typically in these narratives the secret is related to childhood trauma abuse or a repressed memory that the panic attack unlocks The horrifying part is the realization of something that happened long ago that they had forgotten
4 Why would a panic attack lead to a hidden memory
Panic attacks are often triggered by the bodys fight or flight response When a person experiences a situation that subconsciously reminds them of a past trauma their body can react with panic even if their conscious mind doesnt know why This intense physical and emotional state can break down the psychological walls that were hiding the memory
Questions About Panic Attacks
5 What does a panic attack actually feel like
It feels like a sudden wave of intense fear or dread Physically you might feel your heart racing have trouble breathing feel dizzy sweat or feel like youre choking It can also feel like youre detached from reality or like youre dying even though youre not in actual physical danger
6 Can a panic attack just happen out of nowhere
Yes they can While they are often triggered by stress or a specific situation a panic attack can also seem to come out of the blue This is because the trigger might be subconscioussomething youre not consciously aware of is setting off your bodys alarm
