A TikTok comedian recently set up a fake ICE tip line and received dozens of calls—including one from a teacher who suggested agents investigate a kindergartener in her class. While governments and companies are the main architects of surveillance culture, ordinary people are increasingly eager to join in. And it’s not just our perceived political enemies we’re willing to monitor. We’re also watching our friends, neighbors, partners, and children.
As corporations and governments dig deeper into our digital lives—collecting details about where we shop, who we know, and what we believe—we’ve grown more comfortable demanding the same level of access in our personal relationships. While apps constantly log our locations, we expect friends to share their real-time movements through features like Apple’s Find My. While OpenAI uses our chat logs to train its models, we peek at our partners’ text messages. And while Palantir analyzes social media data to help ICE identify targets, we record strangers in public without their consent.
In fact, invasive behaviors that would have shocked us a decade ago now barely register. I think of the young man who told me about a new coworker asking to share his location indefinitely because the coworker “just liked to know where people are.” Or the young woman who parked outside her boyfriend’s house to hack into his texts using her car’s Bluetooth.
These oversteps might seem like personal failures, but they can’t be separated from their broader social context. When companies collect digital clues about your HIV status and share them with advertisers, it becomes hard to know what’s appropriate. People have grown desensitized to mass data collection. In a 2023 Pew Research report, 73% of American adults said they feel they have little to no control over what companies do with their data. When asked about the government, that number rose to 79%. Is it any surprise, then, that people are also more tolerant of surveillance in their personal lives? Call it trickle-down surveillance.
Some of the clearest examples of eroding privacy norms come from romantic relationships, where tracking and monitoring have become widely accepted substitutes for direct communication. A 2021 study published in Children and Youth Services Review found that almost 60% of young adults surveyed had experienced “digital monitoring or control” while dating—defined as using technology to track, invade the privacy of, or control a partner’s activities. It’s now normal to scan a partner’s social media for small signs of disloyalty, like an Instagram “like” on someone else’s photo or a tagged location that seems off. Some even pay amateur online sleuths to conduct a full audit of their partner’s digital footprint.
Interpersonal surveillance has also become a routine part of family life. Many young people today will grow from children to teens to adults without the increasing privacy that typically comes with those stages. Parents now regularly track their kids’ locations, read their messages, and monitor their social media accounts well into young adulthood. The idea that these habits might undermine a young person’s self-respect and autonomy may not occur to parents—especially if they’re busy digitally snooping on each other.
Step outside the home into neighborhoods and communities, and it’s more of the same. Commit a public misstep—or worse, experience a moment of humiliation or a health crisis—and you might find your name and face broadcast to millions on TikTok. Talking to another adult on a plane while wearing a wedding ring? Dancing freely at a party? Complaining to a restaurant employee? These can all be treated as offenses that turn you into the internet’s villain of the day, with onlookers rushing to ruin your reputation.Perhaps all this tracking and recording would be worth it if it strengthened our relationships, but it doesn’t. Instead of building trust with our friends, partners, and children over time, we’re cutting corners and relying on technology to fill the gaps. At best, our connections grow more shallow. At worst, the desire for constant visibility turns into control and abuse. Organizations that support victims of domestic violence have repeatedly urged tech companies to reconsider tracking features like Apple’s AirTags, which make it easy for abusers to monitor their victims. Attorneys note that many cases of sextortion and non-consensual sharing of intimate images begin when young people feel pressured to share online logins with controlling partners.
Despite our growing numbness to a culture of surveillance, there are still moments that jolt us awake. Last month, when Ring—an Amazon-owned smart doorbell company—ran a Super Bowl ad saying it uses AI to scan front yards for lost dogs, it sparked a public outcry. Soon after, Ring announced it was ending its partnership with surveillance tech firm Flock Safety to build a system that would link neighborhood cameras and share footage with police.
The Ring controversy is an exception. More often, invasive new technology is met with apathy or resignation. In a recently leaked internal document outlining Meta’s plans to add facial recognition to its Ray-Ban smart glasses, the company suggested that the chaotic political environment in the U.S. could serve as a useful distraction, since critics would be too overwhelmed by other news to push back.
Political turmoil may distract from privacy concerns, as Meta hopes, but it could also bring them into sharper focus. As government agencies—from ICE to the UK’s NHS—deepen their ties with surveillance tech companies, people may find a renewed appetite for resistance, both in public and in private. We didn’t ask for the digital panopticon we live in, but we don’t have to lend it our eyes and ears. When we choose not to monitor and not to be monitored, we take back a piece of the sovereignty that tech companies have taken from us. And in time, we might rediscover the quiet, private space where love and trust can grow.
Tatum Hunter is a technology journalist based in Brooklyn. She writes on Substack at Bytatumhunter.
Frequently Asked Questions
FAQs Checking Exs Social Media Tracking Friends Locations
Beginner Questions
What is interpersonal surveillance
Its the act of constantly monitoring someones digital lifelike checking an exs social media profiles or using apps to track a friends locationwithout their explicit ongoing consent
Why do people check their exs social media
Common reasons include curiosity unresolved feelings loneliness jealousy or the hope of seeing if theyve moved on or regret the breakup
Is it normal to occasionally check an exs profile
Many people do it out of curiosity especially soon after a breakup However when it becomes a frequent compulsive habit it can hinder emotional healing
What apps do people use to track friends locations
Common apps include Find My Friends Google Maps location sharing Life360 and Snapchats Snap Map These require initial consent to share location
Is it okay to track a friends location if they agreed once
Not necessarily Consent should be clear ongoing and can be revoked at any time Assuming permanent access because they agreed once can violate trust
Advanced Practical Questions
What are the psychological effects of constantly checking an exs social media
It can lead to increased anxiety depression and rumination It often creates a false narrative about their life and prevents you from processing the breakup and moving forward
How can I tell if my location tracking of friends has become unhealthy
Signs include checking locations anxiously or compulsively feeling upset when you cant see someone using it to monitor or control their actions or doing it secretly without their knowledge
Whats the difference between sharing locations for safety and surveillance
Safety Mutual consensual sharing for specific purposes Surveillance Nonconsensual constant monitoring to satisfy personal anxiety or control often without a practical need
Can someone tell if Im constantly viewing their social media stories or profile
On most platforms users cannot see exactly who views their profile regularly However on stories some users in Close Friends lists or with certain settings might see viewer history The bigger risk is digital footprints or accidental likes on old posts
