I had a friend who always made me feel uneasy, but I tried to look past it and give them a chance. They had been through childhood trauma and struggled with mental health issues. I told myself my discomfort was just because I needed to be more understanding.
They seemed unable to keep friendships and often played the victim, saying people kept ghosting them. Not long ago, I experienced their outburst for the first time. They had been through a few stressful situations, and I tried to support them. A year later, I had my own priorities and stresses to deal with, so I had to focus on my own life. They snapped at me, dismissed what I was going through, and threw a tantrum. When they realized they were wrong, they blamed it on their trauma and mental health issues.
I looked back on the friendship and felt foolish for going along with it when my gut had always told me something was off. I accepted their apology and slowly stopped replying as often, hoping they’d get the hint, but eventually I had to ghost them. I feel bad, but at the same time, it’s like a weight has been lifted. How do I move on from this feeling?
I wonder when we started calling “having enough of someone” “ghosting.” It shifts the focus entirely onto the person doing it, rather than the reason behind it. I think you feel bad because you’re sensitive. But just as we wouldn’t keep putting ourselves in situations that harm us, we should be cautious of people who do the same.
UKCP-accredited psychotherapist Noel Bell thought you were “very self-aware and emotionally honest to reflect on that ‘on-edge feeling’ and to acknowledge it for what it really was. When we experience such a strong negative physical reaction to someone, it could be our intuition trying to tell us something. Could it be that your empathy and compassion ended up overriding your worries? Compassionate people can often confuse healthy concern for others with tolerating toxic behavior.”
Anger is a healthy emotion. It’s there to tell us a boundary has been crossed.
I feel for your friend and anyone who has had childhood trauma and mental health issues, but as adults, we have to take responsibility for our behavior. “Having issues,” says Bell, “does not give people a free pass to mistreat or abuse others. When your friend said their outburst was ‘not personal,’ they were trying to erase the impact of their actions on you.”
I think you gave this friend a really good chance, but as Bell explains: “Remember that a friendship effectively becomes an unsustainable caretaking role when one person is required to neglect their own emotional needs, life priorities, and wellbeing just to keep the other person stable.”
Bell felt – and I agree – that you had no other choice but to walk away. “Ultimately,” he said, “you ghosted them because the compassionate approach had failed.”
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Anger is a healthy emotion. We often see it as a failure, but it’s there to tell us a boundary has been crossed. It is, says Bell, “a sign of healthy self-esteem. It’s the resilient part of you that recognizes you were treated unfairly and says ‘I deserve better.’”
“You didn’t leave the friendship out of cruelty,” Bell wants you to remember, “but out of exhaustion. Choosing your own peace of mind over someone else’s emotional demands is not selfish, it’s self-care.”
Think: “What else could I have practically done?” Once you realize the answer is “nothing without sacrificing my own mental health,” I think you’ll find more peace. Every week, Annalisa BarBieri responds to a personal problem submitted by a reader. If you’d like advice from Annalisa, send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa is sorry, but she cannot reply personally. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here. Comments on this piece are reviewed before they are published to keep the discussion focused on the topics in the article. Please note that there may be a short delay before your comment appears on the site.
Frequently Asked Questions
Here is a list of FAQs based on your situation written in a natural tone with direct answers
Frequently Asked Questions Ghosting a Problematic Friend
1 I ghosted a friend who was causing problems Why do I feel both awful and relieved
Thats totally normal You feel awful because ending a friendship is painful and you might feel guilty for disappearing You feel relieved because you removed a source of stress and drama from your life Both feelings can be true at the same time
2 Is ghosting ever the right thing to do
Its not ideal but sometimes its the safest or healthiest option If the friend was toxic manipulative or you felt unsafe having a final conversation ghosting can be a form of selfprotection Its rarely the best choice but it can be a necessary one
3 Should I send them a message now to explain why I disappeared
Only if you genuinely want to and if you can handle their reaction A simple direct message like I needed space because our friendship was unhealthy for me can give you closure But be prepared they might get angry try to argue or ignore you If youre not ready for that its okay to stay silent
4 How do I stop feeling guilty about ghosting
Remind yourself why you did it Write down the specific problems they caused Guilt is often a sign you care but it doesnt mean you made the wrong choice Focus on the relief you feelthats your gut telling you it was the right move
5 What if I run into them in public What do I say
Keep it brief and polite You can say a simple Hey hope youre doing well and then move on If they ask why you stopped talking you can say Ive been dealing with some personal stuff or I think we needed some space You dont owe them a long explanation
6 Will I ever stop thinking about them
Probably not completely but the thoughts will become less frequent and less painful over time Its like a breakupthe first few weeks are the hardest As you fill your life with healthier people
