My boyfriend of eight years is 44, has ADHD, and runs his own business. He’s always struggled with administrative and mundane tasks, but AI has transformed how he works. Now, I’m concerned that he can’t seem to do anything without it. He uses ChatGPT heavily, even when there are better non-AI alternatives—like asking it for train times instead of using the more accurate Trainline app. He recently received his ChatGPT Wrapped and is in the top 0.3% of users worldwide. I worry about his ability to think independently, as well as the environmental impact. I know it’s a useful tool for him at work, but he uses it for everything in life.
I’m aware I might come across as nagging, and his ADHD can make him obsessive. I’d love advice on how to approach this with him.
Running a business can be stressful, and while your boyfriend’s ADHD may play a role, I wonder if he’s generally anxious and if his AI use is a symptom rather than the cause.
I shared your letter with consultant clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst Dr. Stephen Blumenthal and Henry Shelford, CEO of ADHD UK.
Blumenthal suggested we might be “on the verge of a new diagnostic category of ‘chatbot overdependence syndrome’ as we become increasingly reliant on AI. When used wisely, AI can help us, but it could have disastrous consequences if we become dependent on it and lose the capacity for ordinary functioning.”
He added, “Someone with ADHD has a shorter attention span, difficulty focusing, and a reduced capacity to plan and think ahead, so AI is a perfect fit, which is why it can be so helpful. The downside is that there is a greater tendency to become overdependent on it.”
Shelford wondered if your boyfriend was already struggling and if AI provided a useful “flotation aid.” He said, “AI can take you down a rabbit hole, but it can also support you and help you structure your thoughts, schedule things, and get things done.”
Your boyfriend’s use of AI seems to go beyond this. It’s as if he’s doubting himself, which can be harmful.
Blumenthal explains, “Problems arise when your use of AI goes beyond solving the issue at hand. It feels like a relationship with it has started to develop, and you give it human qualities—a projection of our own wishes and desires for validation and care.”
What should you do? You’re right not to nag, as it rarely solves anything and just becomes background noise. As with any sensitive and difficult conversation, choose a moment when you’re both calm.
Shelford recommended asking your boyfriend, “What are you getting out of it? Why is this tool such a big deal, and what gaps is it filling?” Then, look for better solutions or ways to use it.
Blumenthal thought, “As with any overdependence syndrome, there first needs to be recognition that there is a problem. It’s easy to criticize the person who’s struggling, but that will likely make them withdraw further into dependency. The case must be made compassionately, recognizing that being without the support of ChatGPT probably feels threatening.”
The good news is that, unlike the generation growing up with AI, your boyfriend has a history of functioning well without it. Hopefully, he can be reminded of that and find a balance where AI enhances the abilities he already has. But it sounds like he’s anxious, and I think the root cause needs to be addressed so you can both move forward.You can contact Lisa at lisa@theguardian.com. Please note that Annalisa is unable to respond to personal messages. All submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest season of Annalisa’s podcast is available here. To keep the conversation focused on the article’s topics, comments are reviewed before publication. There may be a brief delay before your comment appears on the site.
Frequently Asked Questions
FAQs Concerns About a Partners Reliance on AI
Understanding the Issue
What does it mean when someone relies on AI for thinking
It means they frequently turn to AI tools to get answers make choices or form opinions instead of first trying to reason through things themselves or seeking diverse human perspectives
Is using AI for help always bad
No not at all AI can be a fantastic tool for gathering information brainstorming or handling repetitive tasks The concern arises when it becomes the primary or default method for processing information and making decisions potentially sidelining a persons own judgment
How can I tell if his AI use is becoming a problem
Look for signs like he cites an AI as his sole source for important opinions gets defensive when its suggestions are questioned avoids debates or deep conversations by deferring to an AIs answer or seems to outsource everyday personal decisions to it
Common Concerns and Problems
Could this affect our relationship
Yes it potentially could If hes prioritizing an AIs generated responses over genuine empathetic connection and problemsolving with you it might lead to feelings of distance frustration or that youre not being heard Shared decisionmaking can suffer
Isnt he just being efficient Whats the harm
Efficiency is great but critical thinking is like a muscleit weakens if not used Overreliance can lead to a loss of personal judgment reduced ability to evaluate information from multiple sources and vulnerability to AI biases or errors It might also stifle creativity and personal growth
What are some specific examples of concerning AI reliance
Opinion Formation I dont know what I think about that political issue let me ask the AI
Conflict Resolution Using an AI to draft personal apologies or relationship messages without genuine personal reflection
Decision Paralysis Being unable to choose a restaurant movie or gift without first consulting an AI
Learning Dependence Using AI to summarize or explain complex topics but not engaging with the material to form independent understanding
Does this mean hes lazy or unintelligent
Not necessarily It often reflects a habit formed for convenience or a desire for quick confident answers
