Last year, after a breakup, I dove headfirst into online dating. I began experimenting with mirror selfies and spent entire evenings trying to take artistic photos of my own backside. I agonized over my three-line bio. I even kept a notebook by my bed with the Hinge prompt “most spontaneous thing I’ve done” written on the first page, so if inspiration struck in a dream, I’d have a pen and paper ready.
Throughout my early thirties, I’d clung to a failing relationship, which left me feeling stuck in a loop—as if I were destined to have a slightly different version of the same argument every night until I died. When I first started dating, the thrill of scrolling through Hinge felt like shopping for an alternate future. I’d pore over pictures of men cradling small dogs or swinging tennis rackets, getting high on the thought of all the tiny dogs and tennis games we’d enjoy together. I began hiding my phone in a kitchen cupboard before bed because when I kept it in my room, I could feel all my potential new lives calling to me. Sometimes, when I got up to hide it, I felt motion sickness from scrolling so hard and fast.
In-person dates weren’t always as fun as my fantasies. The flesh-and-blood men I met in pubs usually seemed smaller and less substantial than their 2D profile photos. I often felt I didn’t quite live up to the Hinge version of me, either. My real voice always sounded much louder and less sultry than my voice notes. Once, I asked a man if I could kiss him, and he replied, “I’m good, thanks,” as if I’d offered him a crisp.
Another man asked me who else I had on my “roster” for the week—implying we both had our own private harems of partners we wined and dined on rotation. In a sense, I did have my own private phone-harem. Maybe if I’d been more relaxed and carefree, more like my Hinge persona, I could have casually spent time with lots of different partners without compulsively mapping out our entire lives together. But there’s a voice in my head that talks about house deposits and declining egg counts. I’m embarrassed by this voice, but I can’t seem to drown it out.
It’s become a cliché to say dating apps aren’t working. Almost 1.4 million people left the UK’s top 10 dating apps between 2023 and 2024, with Hinge alone losing 131,000 users. I organize the Guardian’s Blind Date column, and every month I receive hundreds of emails saying dating apps are broken. Interestingly, many applicants frame the crisis as a peculiarly British problem. Recently, a woman wrote to me saying she couldn’t swipe anymore because she had “completed the whole of England on Hinge.”
Perhaps part of the issue is that here in the UK, we still place so much emphasis on finding a life partner. In England and Wales, more than 70% of people aged 30-64 are in committed relationships, so as a single person, I feel abnormal. Finding a partner is also a financial necessity—the average person can’t afford rent, let alone a mortgage deposit, on their own. Since Tinder exploded in 2013, it’s been possible to swipe through hundreds of potential partners in a single hour. Faced with so much choice, the rational thing would be to pursue many short-lived love affairs in one lifetime. But finding lasting commitment is still so central to what constitutes a worthwhile life in the UK that I keep swiping, convinced my husband is hiding from me in the next Hinge drop—just one more click away.
In the interest of broadening my horizons, I’ve spent three months investigating whether other cultures might be doing love more successfully. In the UK, we talk about the hopelessness of dating as if it’s a foregone conclusion. But what if it doesn’t have to be this way? Curious about wTo explore whether other European cultures might have a more sophisticated or clear-eyed approach to romance, I spoke with anthropologists, sex therapists, and dating specialists in Berlin, Paris, Oslo, and Rome. The dating styles described below aren’t meant to represent entire cities, but by speaking to people from different countries, I gained insight into how things are done outside of Britain, which gave me a much-needed fresh perspective.
‘Everyone is polyamorous here’ – Berlin
A friend recently told me that if she ever wanted a monogamous relationship again, she would have to leave Berlin, “because everyone is polyamorous here.” Intrigued, I contacted anthropologist Dr. Fabian Broeker, who published a 2023 study on dating app users in the German capital. Broeker, a fellow at the London School of Economics, explained that his research suggests dating in Berlin is no longer “necessarily tied to the traditional understanding of finding a long-term partner.” Instead, it has evolved into a kind of “leisure activity”—something done purely for fun, like taking an afternoon stroll. You might have sex with three different people in one week with no expectation of seeing any of them again, and this wouldn’t be considered abnormal.
Since the fall of the Berlin Wall, the city has been associated with sexual freedom. Former mayor Klaus Wowereit famously called Berlin “poor but sexy” in 2003. More than half of Berliners live alone, according to 2024 data, meaning being single puts you in the majority—unlike in London, where being in a couple is the norm. Maxi Wallenhorst, a Berlin-based cultural critic, told me that Berlin’s hedonistic approach to intimacy is partly enabled by its rental market. “Even though the housing crisis is escalating here, too, there is less pressure to fall in love in order to save on rent.”
Some, like my friend, find the city’s determinedly casual approach to dating frustrating. TikTok is filled with (mostly British) expats complaining about how impossible it is to find a committed boyfriend. But Wallenhorst points out that even though Berlin is a “capital of non-monogamy,” it “doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s impossible to find commitment.” Commitment just has a different meaning in Berlin. When you want to have a baby, you might decide to do so with a best friend rather than a partner. Or you could become part of a “power quadruple” with three equally devoted boyfriends. In Berlin, you don’t need a partner to feel complete or to achieve financial stability—romance is more like a nice addition to an already fully functioning life.
‘The most romantic thing you can have? Great sex and intellectual connection’ – Paris
While Berlin might be the capital of non-monogamy, in Paris, “polyamory” is a dirty word. I called author Alice Pfeiffer to ask whether her city’s reputation as the home of the ménage à trois is justified. She told me that using the word “polyamory” is considered gauche—not because Parisians are faithful, but because it robs infidelity of its transgressive thrill. “People cheat; they just don’t talk about it,” Pfeiffer explained. “Cheating is a national sport.”
Journalist Barbara Krief told me the Parisian attitude toward monogamy is part of a larger cultural emphasis on passion. She says that among the 30- to 40-year-old Parisians she encounters, many see infidelity as something that can improve a marriage. “I can’t speak for the whole of Paris, but the people I know wait until the kids have grown up a bit, and then they seek passion outside their relationship.” You don’t stop having sex with your spouse when you start an affair—your marriage continues as usual. It’s simply understood, without needing to be explicitly stated, “that you can have flings or crushes and it doesn’t jeopardise the relationship.”
UK statistics suggest that men cheat more often than women, but in Paris, Krief says, the gender gap is less pronounced. “Women cheat just as much as men,” she notes. “The difference is that women are better at keeping it secret.”Men often initiate sex more frequently than women, but Krief explains that Parisian women pursue romantic pleasure in a way typically associated with male desire. In my experience, women in London still tend to wait until the second or third date before having sex. Honestly, I sometimes wonder if I still subconsciously feel that by sleeping with a man, I’m giving away something valuable and making myself vulnerable to getting hurt. Krief says that among her friends, no woman denies herself sex if she wants it. “They’d say that not sleeping with a man they’re attracted to just because it’s the first date is a waste of time—they enjoy sex and want their pleasure.” Krief, who is queer, adds that all the lesbians she knows also have no hesitation about sex on a first date. “We often see British women in Paris wearing tiny dresses and think, ‘Aren’t they cold?’ But I bet they’re not as promiscuous as French women. A French woman might be in sweatpants, but she’ll go down on you on the first date.”
Perhaps Parisian dating can be understood through French art and culture, where marriage isn’t necessarily seen as a happy ending. “Our movies and books don’t end with marriage,” Krief says. Marriage and partnership are viewed as part of an ongoing story, not a final achievement. “French films give us the sense that the most romantic thing isn’t marriage—it’s great sex and an intellectual connection. And not just with one person. You can have that with more than one!”
‘You try to keep an exit door open’
In Oslo, sex tends to happen sooner. According to cross-cultural expert Julien S. Bourrelle, author of The Social Guidebook to Norway, sex is seen as less intimate than going for dinner or even coffee with someone you’re interested in. “You meet at a bar, go home together, then meet again the next weekend and have sex again.” Only after casual sex a few times might people consider going on an actual date. “It’s the opposite of the romantic American or Italian approach, where a man would court a woman with coffees and dinners.”
Bourrelle attributes Oslo’s dating culture to a strong emphasis on independence. To avoid making anyone feel indebted, people try to “keep an exit door open” for themselves and their partner early on. “If I paid for your coffee, you might subconsciously feel you owe me something—so to preserve independence, we avoid paying for others,” he explains.
He doesn’t see this “exit door” mindset as fear of commitment, but rather as a sign of Norwegians’ deep empathy. They are reluctant to “inflict pain,” so they avoid making partners feel trapped and try not to lead anyone on to spare them the “pain of rejection.”
Norwegian culture is fiercely egalitarian. Men and women receive equal pay and share similar roles at home and in society, but interestingly, women seem to hold more power in dating. Bourrelle notes that it’s usually the woman, not the man, who keeps her partner at a distance until she’s “100% sure she wants to commit.” Women also tend to hold back emotionally at the beginning of a sexual relationship, not wanting to hurt the man’s feelings if they change their mind later. I still expect men to make the first move or send the first text after a date. Digging deeper, I suppose I assume that, as a man, he’s inherently stronger and less hurt by rejection—but in Oslo’s dating culture, it’s the man’s feelings that are seen as needing protection.
In Norway, they even…In some cultures, there’s a specific mating ritual to keep an easy “exit strategy” available. As Bourrelle explains, it’s common for a woman to spot an attractive man in a bar and then pretend to accidentally bump into him. Rather than directly saying hello or offering to buy him a drink, she’ll give a gentle shoulder nudge to get his attention. If there’s no mutual attraction up close, you simply apologize for the accidental bump and walk away. The idea of a shoulder nudge in a London pub sounds quite appealing—it allows the woman to make the first move while giving both people an easy way out without anyone facing outright rejection.
‘Couples on a first date always look elegant’ – Rome
In Rome, dating culture is much more formal. Psychologist and clinical sexologist Donatella Fiacchino explains that it’s still common for a woman to get her hair done and possibly buy a new outfit before a date. “I can usually spot a couple on a first date not just by their nerves, but because they look very elegant, with the woman wearing full makeup,” she says. Often, the woman will even get a wax before the big day—”sometimes even her forearms.”
Fiacchino notes that “Rome is like an onion; it has layers,” so dating attitudes can vary widely between neighborhoods. The southern parts of the city are less conservative, while in the north, “very stereotypical gender roles” are common in straight couples. The man is expected to pay, or at least offer, and to make the first move.
In London, it’s rare for a stranger to ask you out in public—we’ve largely outsourced the search for love to apps. Intimacy is something we seek privately, often frantically, on our phones late at night. But in Rome, Fiacchino says it’s still common for singles to ask each other out in person, though the expectation usually falls on the man.
Men are also expected to take the lead when it comes to sex, Fiacchino adds. However, since many singles in Rome live in multigenerational households, finding a private place can be tricky. Nearly 70% of Italians aged 18–34 live with their parents, and rising rents in Rome make independent living difficult. Fiacchino treats many patients from such households who have developed sexual issues, like difficulty reaching orgasm, partly due to a lack of privacy.
Despite these constraints, Romans seem better than the British at savoring romantic moments. Marina Iakovleva, who runs the YouTube channel Dating Beyond Borders, says Romans emphasize choosing a “romantic place” and creating a “beautiful environment” on dates. While Londoners might down pints to cope with first-date nerves, Romans meet for an “aperitivo” and drink moderately. Stefano Petrella, a gay journalist from Rome, notes that in other European cities, men often suggest meeting directly at a hotel for sex, but that “would never happen in Rome; you would always have aperitivo first.” Even casual encounters feel like an occasion.
Lately, I’ve been seeing someone I like, and I notice myself falling into what feels like very British habits. I wait for him to text first because I’m afraid of putting myself out there. Early on, I’d have at least four drinks every time we met just to calm my nerves. I also struggle to stop myself from projecting decades into the future—fantasizing and panicking about the next 25 years instead of just living in the moment.
It’s probably not fair to blame my problems on my nationality, and I should take responsibility for my own anxieties. But there’s also something to be said for how culture shapes our approach to love and dating.It’s freeing to realize that my dating habits are shaped by culture, not just by my own nature. If the way I pursue love isn’t some fixed part of who I am, then maybe I can change it. If I could borrow from other European dating styles, I’d want to feel as empowered as women in Oslo, and to savor the moment like Romans do. Above all, I’d like to be more French—to stop seeing marriage as a perfect happy ending.
It will never work. I think I’m too set in my ways. But it feels good to imagine.
Frequently Asked Questions
Of course Here is a list of FAQs about the dating insights from singles in Oslo Berlin Paris and Rome framed in a natural conversational tone
General Concept Premise
Q What is the main idea behind Sex first dinner later
A Its about exploring how cultural attitudes in different European cities shape modern datinglooking at everything from direct communication to views on romance commitment and casual relationships
Q Is this a rulebook telling me to have sex first
A Not at all The title is a provocative hook to highlight contrasting approaches The real lesson is about understanding different dating languages and finding what aligns with your own values
CitySpecific Insights
Q What can I learn from dating culture in Oslo
A Expect directness and equality Norwegians tend to be upfront about their intentions value lowkey first dates and often split the bill Its efficient and minimizes gameplaying
Q Whats the key takeaway from Berlins dating scene
A Berlin is known for its open nonjudgmental and experimental approach Labels are often avoided communication about nonmonogamy is common and theres a strong emphasis on personal freedom and authenticity over traditional romance
Q How is dating in Paris different from the cliché
A While romance is alive modern Parisian dating can be surprisingly discreet and slowburning Theres a nuanced art to flirtation and the line between friendship and romance can be blurrier than outsiders expect with less overt discussion of the talk
Q What defines the dating approach in Rome
A Romance charm and a more traditional courtship style are emphasized Gestures compliments and a sense of theatricality are common However modern Romans also navigate the complexities of family expectations and changing gender roles
Practical Application Comparisons
Q As a beginner which citys style is easiest to navigate
A For clarity Oslos directness can be easiestyou often know where you stand For those who dislike pressure Berlins labelfree zone can feel liberating
Q Which style is the most challenging for foreigners
A Paris and Rome can be tricky The unspoken rules and subtle social cues in Paris and the performative
