Yana farawa ranar Kirsimeti, 1996: "Rana ce mai daɗi … na gane yadda nake ƙaunar iyalina." Yana ƙarewa bayan shekaru uku: "Ina kwance a ƙasa cikin hawaye da yawa kuma abin da nake so kawai shi ne in mutu." Faɗi abin da kuke so game da samartaka, amma ba komai ba ne face tafiya mai cike da motsin rai. "Idan da na sani tun ina matashi," in ji ɗan wasan barkwanci Jon Richardson cikin baƙin ciki, "cewa wata rana zan rubuta littafi game da su, da ba zan iya rufe littattafan tarihin rayuwata na samartaka da mafi kyawun kalmomi don nuna irin guguwar ɓarna da waɗannan shekarun za su iya kasancewa ba." Littafin shi ne The Teenage Diaries of a Stand-Up Comedian, kuma an ɗauki shekaru biyu ana yinsa. Shekaru biyu waɗanda, idan ba su kasance tafiya mai cike da motsin homoni da littafin da kansa ke rubutawa ba, sun kasance tafiya mai ban mamaki. Aikin ya fito ne daga wani lokaci na tsaka-tsaki a rayuwar wannan mutumin na Lancashire, bayan ya fuskanci rashin mutuwa, rashin lafiya mai tsanani tsakanin iyali da abokai, da rushewar aurensa da abokiyar wasan barkwanci Lucy Beaumont. Na ƙarshe ya kasance ƙarewa ta jama'a da babu makawa, wanda aka watsa a kan jaridun tabloid, ga dangantakar da ita kanta ta kasance a fili, godiya ga shirin mockumentary da ma'auratan suka yi game da tsarin rayuwarsu na gida, Meet the Richardsons. "Akwai abubuwa da yawa da ke faruwa," in ji shi, "wasu daga cikinsu suna buƙatar yin tunani kan kai, wasu kuma sun fi ƙarfin iko na – dangane da isa wani matsayi na shekaru, lokacin da mutanen da ke kewaye da ku suka tsufa, kuma kun fara kallon dangantakarku da iyayenku da kuruciyarku daban. Don haka na kasance cikin lokaci na tunani sosai." Amma a yanayin Richardson, akwai takamaiman abin da aka mayar da hankali kan wannan tunani. "Na tattara adadi mai ban tsoro na kayan tarihi daga tarihin rayuwata," in ji shi. Mai tara kaya sosai, ɗan shekaru 44 yana da kabad cike da tarkace (tikitin tikiti, hotuna, takardun shaida, bidiyon VHS, wasiƙu da imel – kuma ba shakka, littattafan tarihin rayuwarsa na samartaka) da aka ceto daga farkon shekarun rayuwarsa. Duba hoto a cikakken allo Dangantakar da ta kasance a fili … Richardson da matarsa a lokacin, Lucy Beaumont, a 2019. Hoto: Murdo MacLeod/The Guardian "Na ji kamar dole ne akwai dalilin da ya sa na adana shi," in ji Richardson. "Kuma wataƙila dalilin shi ne cewa, wata rana, idan kun yi sa'a ku sami lokaci, za ku iya gano: menene ma'ana, me ya sa kuka adana wasu abubuwa, me za ku iya kashewa? Wannan ita ce tafiyar littafin da gaske. Yana cikin lokacin yanzu saboda yana rubuta ni ina yin tunani da sharewa. Amma game da waɗannan shekaru 20 na farko ne da nawa ɗauka." Yayin rubutu, ɗan wasan barkwanci ya shiga cikin tarihin rayuwar samartaka daga My Fat, Mad Teenage Diary na Rae Earl, ta ayyukan wanda ya lashe kyautar Nobel Annie Ernaux (wanda Richardson ya yi godiya a cikin godiyoyi), zuwa Coming of Age: How Adolescence Shapes Us na masanin ilimin halayyar ɗan adam Lucy Foulkes. Littafin da ya fito bazai zama wanda kuke tsammani daga ɗan wasan barkwanci mai damuwa wanda aka taɓa yiwa lakabi da "wanda ƙasar ta fi so mai damuwa" ba, ko daga kyaftin ɗin ƙungiyar a 8 Out of 10 Cats na Channel 4, ko ma daga mai gabatar da shirye-shiryen shahara game da OCD. Wannan ba littafi ba ne da zai zauna cikin kwanciyar hankali a sashin barkwanci na Waterstones, kuma ba ɗaya ba ne da ke yin watsi da damuwar samartaka cikin fara'a. "Kullum ina sane da cewa aikina shi ne in sa mutane su yi dariya," in ji Richardson, "kuma ina fata akwai barkwanci da yawa a cikin littafin." Akwai. Tsarinsa – ɓangarorin tarihin rayuwa da manya Jon ke yin tunani a kansu ba tare da tausayi ba – yana ba Richardson dama mara iyaka don nuna rashin kunya mai nishadantarwa. Kuma akwai jin daɗin nostalgia a cikin cikakken bayanin lokaci: "Blockbuster video, Tupperware parties da Ann Summers." Kuma akwai baƙin dariya na ban mamaki, kamar yadda Richardson ya fi so, yana ɗan shekaru 14, ba tare da wani dalili ba: "Na yanke shawarar cewa ko da yake wataƙila zan zama malami, zan so in zama ɗan wasan barkwanci."
"Yara da yawa suna buƙatar a gaya musu cewa ba laifi ba ne su yi baƙin ciki ko su sha wahala."
Ya ce yanzu: "Amma game da motsin rai, ba zan iya ɗanɗana abin da waɗannan shekarun suka kasance ba. Mutane kaɗan ne ke zama ƴan wasan barkwanci saboda suna da kwanciyar hankali kuma suna so kawai su yada farin ciki a duniya. Komawa zuwa shekarun 60 da 70, da waɗannan mutanen da yanzu ake yin shirye-shiryen BBC Four game da su, mutane sukan zo wasan barkwanci ta hanyar samun ƙaiƙayi da ba a taɓa ba, ko don gyara wani gazawa a cikin kansu. Kuma ni ba bambanci ba ne."
A cikin littafin, muna bin matashin Richardson daga 14 zuwa 17. "Ina tsammanin na kalli Zack Morris a [shirin barkwanci] Saved By the Bell," in ji shi, "kuma na yi tunani, 'Oh, ya kamata matasa su riƙe tarihin rayuwa na sirri.' Amma waɗannan farkon shigarwar ba su da abin da za su faɗa. Ina cikin ɗakina ina wasa Mario Kart mafi yawan lokaci." Da farko, matashi Jon ya bayyana a matsayin mai kirki, mai haske, mai ɗan farin ciki. Amma yayin da lokaci ya wuce, littafin tarihin rayuwarsa yana ƙara rubuta jin kaɗaici, takaici da ƙarancin kima. Yana zuwa makarantar maza kawai. Yana jin mummuna. Yana girma a wani gari – Morecambe, Lancashire – wanda a gare shi yake kama da ƙarshen hanya. Iyayensa sun rabu kuma, a cikin littafin da ke da ƙwarewa kan talauci da aji, kuɗi yana da wahala.
Duba hoto a cikakken allo A cikin tashin hankali … Richardson a The Great Celebrity Bake Off a watan Maris. Hoto: Laura Palmer/Channel 4
Waɗannan duk abubuwa ne a cikin karkatar Richardson zuwa wani wuri mai duhu. "Akwai lokuta masu farin ciki da yawa da ban taɓa rubuta game da su ba," in ji shi. Amma "da sauri littafin tarihin rayuwa ya zama wurin ajiye motsin rai da ba kuke so ku ɗora wa wasu ba, wurin da kuke magana kawai game da gwagwarmaya. Yana iya zama mara lafiya sosai." A cikin babi na ƙarshe na littafin – wanda aka keɓe daga kayan da suka gabata, in ji Richardson, saboda yana da wahala a yi dariya game da shi – shigarwar tarihin rayuwa suna nuna matashi Jon yana tunanin kashe kansa.
A cikin 2023, tare da tsohon ɗan wasa Jessica Ennis-Hill da mai watsa shirye-shirye Dan Walker, Richardson ya ƙaddamar da Bright Young Dreams, yaƙin neman kuɗi don tallafawa lafiyar kwakwalwar matasa – wanda zai "sanya ƙarin ƙarfina a cikin shekaru masu zuwa fiye da kowane abu." Lokacin da na tambaye shi abin da zai iya sa rayuwa ta fi sauƙi ga ƙaramin Jon, ya amsa cewa da ba zai canza wani yanayi na abin da yaron ke rayuwa ba. Abin da zai taimaka, in ji shi, shi ne "wani fahimta cewa ba laifi ba ne a sha wahala kuma a yi baƙin ciki. Yara da yawa suna buƙatar a gaya musu cewa, i, yana da wahala sosai, waɗannan shekaru ne masu wahala."
A matsayina na iyaye ga wani yaro da ke gab da samartaka, littafin ya ba ni tsoro game da abin da ke jira – yayin da yake ƙarfafa ni in kula da shi cikin hakan. "Idan ba komai ba," in ji ɗan wasan barkwanci, "ku ɗauki wannan a matsayin jagora ga iyaye don tabbatar da cewa 'ya'yansu ba su juya zuwa Jon Richardson ba! Wannan babbar kyauta ce da nake bayarwa ga ƙasar." Amma idan littafinsa yana ba da tunatarwa mai tsanani game da gwajin samartaka, yana kuma da tasiri sosai kan ƙaunar iyali. Jaruman sa, tare da matashin da ke tsakiya, su ne mahaifiyar Richardson, mahaifinsa da 'yar'uwarsa.
"Ba za ku iya magana game da waɗannan shekarun ba tare da kawo rayuwar wasu ba," in ji shi. "Babban damuwata ita ce kare sirrin mutanen da ba su zaɓi rubuta littafi ba." Amma ƙaunatattunsa, a waje da shafi kamar yadda suke a ciki, sun ba da goyon baya mara iyaka. "Na rubuta game da baƙin cikin mahaifina a cikin littafin, kuma dole ne in ce masa, 'Kuna da damuwa idan na faɗi wannan labarin?' Kuma ya ce: 'Yi abin da kuke so ku yi.'" Wannan tattaunawar, in ji Richardson, ta kasance mai sauƙi. Mafi wahala ga wannan namijin arewa mai aiki shi ne ya yi magana da iyalinsa game da – ugh – ƙaunar da suke yi wa juna. Kusa da ƙarshen littafin, ya sake buga imel daga 'yar'uwarsa. An aika shi a wani lokaci mai rauni a rayuwar Jon, kuma yana da kaifi da ƙauna wajen tallafa wa ƙanenta har ba zan iya karanta shi ba tare da hawaye ba.
Duba hoto a cikakken allo
'Yanzu ina ɗaukar motsin rai mai wahala kuma, maimakon in faɗa shi a shafi, ina mai da shi cikin kalmomin dariya' … Richardson yana yin wasa a 2015. Hoto: Hoton talla
"Ya yi tasiri iri ɗaya a kaina," in ji Richardson. "Amma 'yar'uwata ba ta sani ba tukuna cewa yana cikin littafin. Ban iya yin wannan tattaunawar ba. Yana da sauƙi kawai in saka shi ba tare da magana game da shi ba. 'Ina ƙaunarka. Yana cikin littafi, don haka gaskiya ne. Bye!'"
Yanzu yana rayuwar da matashinsa ba zai iya mafarkin ta ba, shin Richardson har yanzu yana riƙe da littafin tarihin rayuwa? Ba ya – ban da bayanan gaskiya kawai da yake riƙewa, a cikin jerin mujallu a bayan kansa a kan kiran Zoom ɗinmu, na kowane wasan da ya yi tun lokacin da ya fara wasan barkwanci a 2003. Abota na manya da shawarwari sun maye gurbin rawar da littattafan tarihin rayuwa suka taka a rayuwarsa. "Sun ƙare," in ji shi, saboda "na fara zuwa mashaya da yin hira da mutane." Sannan ya gano wasan barkwanci, wanda ya kasance "mai canza rayuwa".
"Tsarina game da wasan barkwanci koyaushe shi ne: 'Yaya nake ji a wannan lokacin, kuma yaya zan tattara shi a hanyar da ke da ban sha'awa da nishadi?' Yana kama da gyaran gida, kamar shiga cikin rugujewar gida da mai da shi wani abu mai kyau. Ina ɗaukar motsin rai mai wahala kuma, maimakon in faɗa shi a shafi, ina magana da mutane kowace dare waɗanda suka sami irin wannan abubuwan, kuma in mai da shi cikin kalmomin dariya. Kuma ina iya ganin mutane suna dariya da samun dare mai daɗi saboda na fuskanci wannan motsin rai. Kuma wannan," in ji matashin da ke cikin damuwa, malamin da bai cika ba wanda ya juya zuwa ɗan wasan barkwanci kuma yanzu marubucin tarihin rayuwa, "ya yi abubuwan al'ajabi ga lafiyar kwakwalwata."
The Teenage Diaries of a Stand-Up Comedian: One Man's Journey Into His Embarrassing Past an buga shi ranar 22 ga Oktoba
A Burtaniya da Ireland ana iya tuntuɓar Samaritans a lambar kyauta 116 123. A Amurka, 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline yana a 988 ko chat don tallafi. A Ostiraliya, sabis ɗin tallafin rikici Lifeline shine 13 11 14. Ana iya samun sauran layukan taimako na duniya a befrienders.org
Tambayoyin da ake yawan yi
Ga tambayoyin da ake yawan yi game da Jon Richardson ya mai da littattafan tarihin rayuwarsa na samartaka zuwa tarihin rayuwa
1 Menene tarihin rayuwar Jon Richardson game da shi
Ya dogara ne akan littattafan tarihin rayuwa da ya riƙe tun yana matashi Littafin yana bincika waɗannan shekarun duhu masu wahala cikin gaskiya ba tare da tausasa ko ɗanɗana su ba
2 Me ya sa ya yanke shawarar mai da littattafan tarihin rayuwarsa na samartaka zuwa littafi
Ya ji littattafan tarihin rayuwa sun ɗauki rikodin gaskiya na wani lokaci mai wahala a rayuwarsa kuma yana so ya raba wannan ƙwarewar maimakon ya ɓoye ta
3 Me yake nufi da ba zan iya ɗanɗana waɗannan shekarun ba
Yana nufin bai tsaftace ko ya sa labarin ya fi kyau fiye da yadda yake ba Ya ajiye sassan masu zafi da na rashin jin daɗi saboda haka ne yake ji da gaske
4 Me ya sa aka kwatanta tarihin rayuwar a matsayin mai karya zuciya
Saboda littattafan tarihin rayuwa suna nuna matashi da ke gwagwarmaya da kaɗaici rashin tabbas da tunani mai duhu Karanta shi na iya motsa zuciya
5 Littafin yana da dariya ko yana da tsanani
Yawanci yana da tsanani da tunani Richardson ɗan wasan barkwanci ne amma a nan yana mai da hankali kan gaskiya game da wani lokaci mai wahala maimakon barkwanci
6 Wanene Jon Richardson
Shi ɗan wasan barkwanci ne na Burtaniya wanda aka sani da shirye-shiryen panel kamar 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown da salon sa na bushewar raha da rage kai
7 Me ya sa ɗan wasan barkwanci zai rubuta game da shekarun samartaka masu duhu
Barkwanci sau da yawa yana zuwa daga gwagwarmayar mutum Rubuta tarihin rayuwa ya ba shi damar duba baya cikin gaskiya inda wasu daga cikin barkwancinsa da ra'ayinsa suka fito
8 Me masu karatu za su iya koya daga littafin
Cewa shekarun samartaka masu wahala sun zama ruwan dare cewa gaskiya game da su na taimakawa kuma cewa riƙe littafin tarihin rayuwa na iya zama hanya mai amfani don sarrafa motsin rai mai wahala
9 Shin riƙe littafin tarihin rayuwa yana da amfani da gaske
I ga mutane da yawa Rubuta abubuwa na iya taimaka muku fahimtar yadda kuke ji sakin damuwa kuma daga baya ganin yadda kuka girma
10 Menene matsala ta gama gari wajen mai da tsoffin littattafan tarihin rayuwa zuwa tarihin rayuwa
Yana da wahala a kasance mai zaman kansa Mutane ko suna so su kare kansu ko su ƙara gishiri Hanyar Richardson ita ce ta kasance da gaskiya maimakon cire zafi
11 Yaya kuke yanke shawarar abin da za ku saka daga tsoffin littattafan tarihin rayuwa
Ajiye shigarwar da ke nuna ainihin motsin rai ko lokutan canji Yanke maimaitawa amma kar ku cire sassan rashin jin daɗi kawai don kamar kun fi kyau
