I was with my ex-partner for over 20 years. We were mostly happy, and I expected us to be together for life. For well over half of the relationship, I was the sole earner and, at my ex’s request, managed our finances. We were fairly well off, with savings and no mortgage. We even had a holiday home—though it was just a static caravan.
I retired early, and the problems in our relationship grew. We had both loved to travel, but I was repeatedly told we couldn’t afford it, which I knew was nonsense. I went back to work in a demanding new field, but my ex showed no interest. I spent more time away from home and started therapy (my suggestion of couples’ therapy was rejected). After a year of therapy, I said I was leaving. My ex said we couldn’t afford to split up. So I gave them the house and more than half the savings, and moved to the caravan.
In the last six years I’ve bought a new house, have a wonderful new partner, and have travelled. I’m successful in my work and doing things I dreamed about for years. But I can’t let go of my resentment toward my ex. The many material things I brought to the relationship and left behind. The fact that my ex is living in a house worth twice my own. That I bent over backwards to provide for someone but never got any credit.
These things are petty. I look for a book I paid for and realise my ex took it, and I can’t stop thinking about it. I want to let it go, but how?
You didn’t say whose name the assets were in—joint names, their name, or only yours. You didn’t mention children either. This would substantially change things. I’m working on the assumption that you voluntarily gave all this to them with no legal guidance to do so and that no children were involved. If so, then I don’t think how you feel is at all unreasonable, and I am astounded.
I went to UKCP-registered psychotherapist Hazel Hyslop, who also wanted to “acknowledge your courage and resourcefulness. You have shown that you can make difficult decisions and create a different life for yourself.”
But it’s understandable, Hyslop said, “that you feel confused by your resentment. From the outside, it appears you’ve moved on. Yet emotionally, part of you may still be living with the unfairness of what happened. Accept and acknowledge your feelings and give yourself permission to feel them. You might find that makes it easier to move forward.”
I don’t think you realise just how resourceful you are. But isn’t it exhausting having to be that person?
It’s not petty to be annoyed that a book, or anything else, is with your ex. Because it’s not just about the book, is it?
Hyslop said: “The book may represent everything you feel you contributed and left behind. Your money, possessions, labour, care and responsibility. Your resentful feelings may be saying: ‘What I gave mattered. I mattered. Why was this never recognised?’ These feelings are not petty. They may be signals that an important part of your experience still needs to be acknowledged.”
Resentment alerts us that a line has been breached. It’s an important emotion, often aligned with anger. Maybe you could put your energies into naming the line that’s been crossed and how it makes you feel. If you can tune into it, I really think a lot may lighten.
You could also try writing it all down; that may make you furious, but it can really help (you don’t need to do anything with the letter). I don’t think you realise just how resourceful you are. But isn’t it exhausting having to be that person? I hope your new partner can lighten some of this for you going forward.After you. Every week, Annalisa Barbieri answers a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets that she cannot respond to personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here. Comments on this piece are pre-moderated to keep the discussion focused on the topics raised in the article. Please note that there may be a short delay before comments appear on the site.
Frequently Asked Questions
FAQs I gave my ex our house and half my savings but now I feel resentful
1 Is it normal to feel resentful after giving my ex the house and half my savings
Yes Resentment is a common emotion after a settlement especially if you felt pressured rushed or gave up more than you wanted It doesnt mean you made a mistakeit means the situation was unfair or painful
2 What does resentment actually mean in this context
Resentment is bottledup anger about being treated unfairly Here its the feeling that you sacrificed a lot and got little in return and that the imbalance is still affecting you
3 Why do I feel resentful now and not at the time
Often the pressure of the split keeps you in coping mode Once life settles the reality of what you lostmoney security a homesinks in and the anger surfaces
4 Did I do something wrong by agreeing to that settlement
Not necessarily Many people agree to generous terms to end conflict quickly protect children or avoid legal costs The problem isnt always the decisionits whether you felt you had a real choice
5 Whats the difference between a fair settlement and being taken advantage of
A fair settlement is one you understood and freely agreed to Being taken advantage of means you were pressured misinformed or didnt have proper legal advice
6 Should I have gotten legal advice before agreeing
Ideally yes A solicitor can check whether a deal is reasonable and explain what youre entitled to If you didnt its not too late to get advice about your options now
7 Can I change the agreement if I feel it was unfair
Sometimes If there was pressure dishonesty or you didnt get proper legal advice a court may reconsider it But this is difficult and timelimitedspeak to a solicitor quickly
8 How do I stop the resentment from taking over my life
Name it accept it and stop replaying the what ifs Focus on what you can control nowyour budget your boundaries and your future Talking to a counsellor or therapist helps
9 Should I tell my ex I feel resentful
Only if its useful
